|
August 28, 2007
Question: I have been dating this girl for about 5 weeks now. We really connect and have a lot in common but she has a million health
problems. It started with sleep issues, then a problem with her ovary, then an ear infection, then some sore muscles in her neck, then her back.
She has been to doctors, psychiatrists, an acupuncturist, chiropractors, gynecologists, and even a psychic. She is full of energy and fun in
between these health problems. I thought that maybe it was just bad luck and would pass but now I don't know. I am starting to lose patience.
Should I wait it out a couple more weeks or is it time to move on?
ANSWER: Do you know whether her symptoms are physically related? If they are, you should wait another two or three weeks. The ovary and ear
infection are physical. The sleeplessness, sore muscles, and back problems should improve if caused by a physical condition, unless she suffers
from a more general pathology like fibromyalgia, where the cause is unknown and results in physical pain and tenderness all over.
She might be suffering from a nerve dysfunction. Though physically caused, it requires treatment to resolve completely and the success rate
for complete resolution of back pain caused by spinal nerve dysfunction is low.
The fact that she has visited doctors and psychiatrists without a diagnosis suggests that her problems may not have physical causes.
If she suffers from fibromyalgia, a nerve dysfunction in her spine, or if her symptoms are psychosomatic (i.e., caused by emotions), her
problem is not likely to improve soon, and you will need to decide whether you are able and willing to tolerate the recurring condition.
The wise old wizard is not a physician and cannot give medical advice. If your girlfriend reads this opinion she should not accept it as
medical advice. This advice is, however, based on over thirty years of tried and true experience with people trying to cope with recurring
physical pain – along with, of course, the trauma of getting dumped.
Wizard
August 27, 2007
Question: my girlfriend and i have baby! the reason is that she doesn’t respect my mother and me! i admit that i’m really bored
of her.
NSWER: How does having your baby translate into no respect for you and your mother? That’s got to be one of the greatest leaps of
logic witnessed in at least the last three centuries. No, actually, we need to go way back like eleven centuries ago, well before the
Inquisition.
Get interested. She is the mother of your child.
Wizard
August 26, 2007
Question: Been together for almost one year. Moved away from home together and every time I'm at work (I work nights, three nights per
week), he's constantly looking at porn. I feel like this is only the beginning of something that will grow to destroy our relationship
anyway.
ANSWER: Maybe she’s not satisfied and needs more attention. If that doesn’t solve it, she could be headed down a dead end
road.
Wizard
August 26, 2007
Question: hey, i've been seeing my former best friend’s ex. i know, not a good situation to begin with. the justification i used to
clear my own conscience was “she's an individual, regardless of her past experiences.” blah blah blah. but my former friend was such
a jerk after he went out with her and now i see myself becoming the same way.
the relationship began under the pretext of “openness” which to me meant, “casual” as in, i could see other girls.
but more and more i feel locked in, like it’s an actual serious relationship. the worst part of it is that i tried to break it off with her
before, simply stating that “i'd rather not be in a relationship right now.” her response was “you should let this relationship
come to an amicable end.” much in my life has changed in the past little while and i NEED some free [expletive] time and space. she's
practically living with me and i can't get away. i could be sitting around on the computer or playing guitar and it always seems like she's
trying to grab my (missing text). searched for 'how to dump a girl' on the internet for Pete’s [edited] sake. obviously, i'm desperate.
ANSWER: If you want to end the relationship, you should end it. You can sputter and moan about being in a relationship you don’t like
and remain like that as long as you want, or you can get off your duff and do a dump like any self-respecting guy would.
Unless you are unsure, which constitutes a legitimate question you could ask. Instead you look like a guy hoisted on his own petard.
Wizard
August 18, 2007
Question: well, wizard, help me. this girl won’t leave me alone. i want free time, but i just can’t get it. she’s
obsessed, plus i only went out with her because she was doing my head in and wouldn't stop. So, please, wizard, how do i dump this crazy
girl?
ANSWER: Surely you have communicated to her that you want to end the relationship – that is why you say now that she is obsessed and
won’t leave you alone.
You want free time – well, my friend, take it. Don’t tell her where you are going and go. If she is obsessed, she will continue
to nag, and that can be a drag of immense proportions. If you are unreachable, and if she doesn’t know where you are, you’ll have
some space in time to breathe again.
If she is crazy, you cannot convince her to do the right thing (leave you alone) with rational discourse. You might need to do some subtle
and, frankly, impolite things, like shutting the door without saying anything, hanging up if you hear her voice, and turning away whenever you
see her without saying anything. You may need extraordinary avoidance tactics, like letting personnel at work know who she is and that she is not
to be allowed at the worksite, letting the police department know of the situation, changing your telephone numbers or getting caller ID, and
informing her friends (if they exist) and family about her fanatical, obsessive behavior.
If she follows you at work, or appears at your door at home, despite the avoidance tactics, call the police.
Whew. Good luck.
Wizard
August 16, 2007
Question: I'm the other guy. This girl is pretty much a slut who is holding on to her wholesome image. She has no idea that I know this. I
have fallen for her though, and she is grooming me to be her next boyfriend. Can I turn the whore into the housewife, or is such a thing simply
not possible.
ANSWER: Perceiving your girlfriend as a “whore” is unfortunate because it reveals a total lack of respect for a woman you should
love, if she is your girlfriend.
′nuff said.
Wizard
August 16, 2007
Question: okay, i meet a girl last week and we’re going out now, but she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend and wants him back.
but i know it’s not going to happen because he’s my friend and i asked him. he’s moved down south with a girl he loves. she
likes me or so i think. but the fact that she isn’t over her ex and wants him back is kind of a turn off. he was her first real love. i
really like her and don’t want to get hurt so i’m unsure what to do about it.
ANSWER: It is a turn off, but if you really like her, give her time to get over it. Sometimes a girl or guy will hang on for months in hopes
of reviving an old relationship. Surely this is a turn off.
Let her work through her disappointment. Over time she should see the better benefits she has dating you and realize that you are the one to
express her love to. If she doesn’t, she’ll get stuck in the mud of the old relationship and you’ll grow tired of it. You
can’t be stuck with her. Try to let her sort it out, though, don’t do it for her.
Wizard
August 16, 2007
Question: i’m going out with a girl who i really like a lot. problem is she is too stiff. should i dump her or talk to her or what?
thanks man.
ANSWER: If you haven’t been dating long, keep seeing her if she keeps seeing you. The stiffness might just be her insecurity, and that
will go away as she grows more comfortable with you.
Take her to some exciting events or places. See if you can rouse in her a good sense of humor (get her to laugh). See how she reacts on a
roller coaster (only, of course, if she will ride one willingly). Do something unusual (and dumb?), like horseback riding. In other words, liven
it up. As she warms up to you, and as you build on shared experiences, she should loosen up.
Wizard
August 14, 20007
Question: I have been dating my girlfriend over a year and 8 months now. We're both hearing impaired, but she has a learning disability and
I don't. She tends to act like a 5-10 year-old (she's actually 25, and I'm 28, and we both still look young). I had been asking for advice from
friends how to break up with her, but I'm afraid that she'll get upset and start to cry easily. Not only that, her mom would get on my case,
because her mom would defend her since she's protective of her daughter. I just feel like our relationship isn't working out. It's like having a
5-10 yr old around. What should I do? I’d rather be friends instead.
ANSWER: Her mom does not want her daughter dating a guy who only wants to be friends. Your girlfriend must learn that guys and girls dump
each other and must learn to adjust appropriately when that happens. It will happen.
You must go forward with the dump, or you will prolong a relationship that cannot work, and you will allow her to grow more and more
attached to you.
Read the advice given to the question asked on August 13, just before you, from another guy who needs to do a dump. The advice for you is
the same – compliment her but be clear about it. You would rather be friends instead – that is the simple and honest reason and it works. Do not say anything about her acting too young. That is a negative comment
that can only hurt.
Wizard
August 13, 2007
Question: I have been with my girlfriend for around two years now, and in general, those two years have been great. She is a lovely girl,
very pretty and very loyal. However, over the past couple of months, I have found myself becoming more and more depressed, and after a lot of
soul-searching I can only draw the conclusion that she is the problem. I am a much more independent person than she is, and need far more
personal space than she's generally willing to give me. I've also come to dislike many of the habits which attracted me two years ago. As she is
the first proper girlfriend I've had, I now don't really know what to do. I am pretty certain that I can't stand much longer in this
relationship, but I don't know how to end it. Had she been a total b*tch, it would have been easy, but (aside from a little jealousy), she is a
great girl, and apparently very much in love with me, so I really don't want to hurt her. Can you give me any advice on breaking up painlessly (I
don't even mind so much if there's pain for me).
ANSWER: Your narrative contains many good qualities that you can use as compliments. It may seem counter-productive, but in dumping her, you
should compliment her. Many people think, at the time they are dumped, that getting dumped is the ultimate let down. You can help assuage the
pain of this feeling (as illogical and untrue as it is) by giving her reality-based compliments. You don’t have to make them up – you
really do respect her and recognize her many good qualities. Use that knowledge.
You are fair to dump her and not continue the relationship on a pretext. Don’t mislead her about your love. Compliment her and tell
her that you don’t feel good enough about the relationship to continue it. If she says, “You don’t love me,” you should
honestly say, “No, I don’t, even with all your great qualities. I may be crazy and stupid, but I am not romantic enough any
more.” She’ll feel grieved but she will get over it and later she will think she is better off – because she is, if you
don’t love her.
Be ready to say negative things about yourself, but do not tell her the list of things that bothered you. She already perceives the dump
itself as negative – adding talk about what is wrong with her will not be productive or helpful.
izard
August 13, 2007
Question: we are fighting about every stuff including my cell phone. Now, as I'm typing, we had a fight.
ANSWER: A dating relationship is not a fighting relationship.
Wizard
August 12, 2007
Question: i love my girlfriend but i feel she is keeping stuff from me. what should i do ?
ANSWER: Talk to her. Questions about fidelity and commitment should be resolved in any relationship. If you are unsure about her good faith
or her commitment to the relationship, you should be talking to her to get it resolved.
Wizard
August 10, 2007
Question: Wizard - I need help and do not feel comfortable talking to anyone else about this. I hooked up with a girl that is my best guy
friend’s really good friend. I then told her I was into her and I made it clear I did not want a girlfriend. She however is laying it on a
bit heavy and clearly likes me 10 times as much as I do her. I do not know what to do because she is so nice and I see her often because she
hangs out with my friend often and that would make things very awkward if I told her to back off. I no longer want her to think I like her so she
will give me some space. Please help me. I do not know anyone else who can get me out of this situation. I do not want to hurt her. And I know I
should confront her but, please, if you have any other advice do share.
ANSWER: If she is so nice, you might want to re-think why you don’t want a girlfriend. But regardless of that, it started with a mixed
message. You said you were really into her, then said you didn’t want a girlfriend. That’s a good line, actually, because you can
tell her all the things you like about her and dispel her worries that you are coming on to her. The problem is that she will think it
is a line and respond if she likes you, and this one does.
You should not tell her to back off. This is too strong and negative. You should say to her that you regret that you misled her.
You’re sorry. (Yes, sometimes you’ve got to show humility.) And tell her that you really meant it that you don’t want a
girlfriend right now.
If she is that nice, you might cringe saying this, but it is the truth and your genuine feeling should be evident. It should be awkward for
you and you’ll have to bear with it. Your good guy friend, if he hears or knows what happened, will respect you and should see some humor
in it!
Wizard
August 7, 2007
Question: I've been with this girl for 5 months now and there is an ex in the picture. He is friends still with her sis and stuff. But she
called him because she could not get a hold of me when she was broke down one day. She needed help and he helped. Okay, glad she was helped. Sort
of. Now he called the other night and she said ok to a favor needed about taking dog to the vet and how she owed him from the car and other
stuff. Ok so, am i a jealous person or justified for being irritated with this situation? Add this. We have been having small arguments and
frequently lately too. I do like her but . . . .
ANSWER: Your concern is justified. The question is what to do about it.
This exchange of favors may be only that and nothing more. It is sufficiently dubious to overlook them and do nothing. Don’t bring it
up in conversation. Just sit tight and go on with your relationship with her as if nothing happened. If in fact nothing has happened, that will
be the end of it and you’ll determine that the jealousy was unwarranted.
If there are more incidents, inform her that you are uncomfortable her ex’s involvement in your lives. Not that she can’t have a
friend who is a former boyfriend, but a friendship is all it should be. See what she does with that.
The ex’s involvement will turn out to be a fluke (not likely), a whimsical brief engagement (very possible), or a rehearsal for
reunion (possible). You’ll react according to how you feel.
Wizard
August 1, 2007
Question: I have these obsessions with my girlfriend being with other guys. I lost my virginity to her and I think I love her, but she gets
so pissed when I mention her being with other guys. I always think that she is going to get hurt enough that she will cheat on me, and she says
things that keep me at her toes, but I don't know if I even want her now that she says those things. (Things like if you say this or that one
more time then it's over) We have been fighting a lot lately because of these thoughts I keep having and I feel like I am missing out on what
it's like to be with other women. Help me, I'm confused. I feel that if I dump her then I will regret it in the future even though I have slept
with other girls. This is my first serious relationship and I really don't know what to do.
ANSWER: You express two concerns. One is an obsessive worry about your girlfriend’s infidelity and the other is wondering what it is
like to be with other women. The first appears to be the source of arguments and the second looks like an after-thought probably caused by the
arguments.
A girlfriend will, and should, get annnoyed with a boyfriend who keeps bringing up other guys when she is faithful. You do not show
concrete facts to support your first concern. If you do not have them, your girlfriend is right in telling you to stop it – and she is in
the realm of expected behavior when she says “one more time and it’s over.”
You appear to be the cause of your confusion. Nothing in your question points a finger of blame at her. Start correcting this by committing
yourself to avoid bringing the infidelity subject up in any conversation. Simply rid it from your speech if you cannot rid it from your mind.
Your worry about regret is real. If you are unsure about yourself, and you dump her because of your own uncertainty, you will look back
later with guilt and regret. You will create a new, compounded worry that will haunt you. If she stays interested in you, then work on avoiding
any talk about her infidelity and make the best of your relationship. Eventually you will reach a point where you will not be confused about your
own thoughts and you will know what you want to do. At that point, do it, whatever it is.
Finally, most first serious relationships don’t make it. Some do and last a lifetime. If yours lasts a lifetime, it will be so
valuable you will not care about whether you had slept with other women. If it doesn’t, then it will end soon enough, and you will have the
balance of a lifetime of experience with other women. So stop worrying about other women.
Wizard
| 
