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August 29, 2008
Question: I have been dating this wonderful girl for eight months.
My problem is, I am now in college, and she is still in high school. What is worse, when she graduates, she will be going to a different college, about 150 miles from me. I don't see us being able to see each other for more than about once a month for the next four years.
Before we started going out, she and I became best friends. It took me four months of patience to finally get the opportunity to ask her out, and when I did, she did not hesitate to say yes.
I feel as if I have dug myself into a hole where I can't escape without either hurting myself or hurting her. I plan on letting her go, but every single time I talk to her, she tells me she loves me and at least once a week she reminds me that I am the only reason she is living. Which is, unfortunately, true. Her home life sucks, and her last relationship was with a guy who just used her to get some action.
I keep hoping that she'd be willing to let us date other people while I'm at college and she's hours away. Hasn't happened, and she cries every time I bring the subject up. She doesn't want to even think of dating someone else and doesn't want to "have to share me with the real world," which are her words exactly. I can't stand her crying. It breaks my resolution, and I am a guy who cannot emotionally stand hurting a girl. As in, I can't be the one to say "it's over." (Out of my one other relationship, it fell apart partly because I stopped working to keep it together and my ex did nothing to save it). I have never had to tell a girl, "This is not working, it's over."
I don't even really want to tell her it's over. But she's clinging to me like I'm a lifeline. I can't see ourselves actually physically seeing each other on a regular basis for about 6 more years (she's going into a 7 year doctorate program when she goes to college). Which means for me, not only do my whole college possibilities of dating other women (and also every possibility college offers) will come and go.
Basically, I'm asking this question: Should I hurt her by dumping her, or should I hurt myself by staying in this stagnant relationship?
I have a pretty clear idea of what I am actually going to do, but I am asking anyone who offers help of their advice. If you need more information, just let me know (via response, or e-mail, or however. Or not.)
Thank you for any advice you can give.
ANSWER: Too bad you’re going to be so far apart. She obviously thinks the world of you and wants to keep it going, regardless of the distance. However, as with all long distance relationships, keeping it together, and for so long, is quite difficult.
Whether she would let you date other women seems an inconsequential question. You would do it anyway, wouldn’t you?
She’ll be healthier if she thinks she is free to date. She might not want to, and perhaps her biggest reason will be to keep you on her leash. You should tell her that she needs to be free to date. Add that if she doesn’t date, she should at least socialize with other people, male and female, so she keeps herself entertained with company.
In time, she might discover the real world contains many more discoveries and temptations than you.
The need for a formal dump is unclear. Distance and time will do it. Stay in touch with her and see her during breaks. She adores you, and if you are attracted to her the relationship might survive. But you need not think yourself bound to her, or beholden to her, as that kind of behavior in today’s real world is impractical, if not downright stifling, unless you’re married, which, of course, you’re not.
Wiz
August 26, 2008
Question: I'm in high school and I met a girl and thought she was cool and all. She had a huge crush on me as soon as she saw me and after a while I didn't have a girlfriend and so I asked her out. We've been together for about 9 months now and I'm just not feeling it anymore. She's too attached, complaining when I don't call, hates when I go out with my buddies, even complains if I work on my car for awhile. She talks about marriage and all and I have even said I would (not thinking). But we're in high school and although she seems like she'd be a great girl in the future to settle down with, right now, that's not what I want. I want to go out with different women, hang out with my buddies, and have my own time as well. Problem is I don't know how to dump her without feeling too bad about it. She cries when I leave her house and I can't imagine how dumping her will go. Please Wiz, you got to help me out!
ANSWER: Most people find this difficult. You’ve got to tell her or she gets more hung up on you. If you tell her, you know it’s going to crush her heart. And, this is no joke, there’s nothing worse than a girl (whom you like) wailing away because you dumped her.
Sometimes the sound of a girlfriend crying hurts the guy more than the girl is hurt. It’s excruciating.
Anyway, you do have to tell her. Of course, she could decide to dump you, or find another guy, or move out of the area, but none of that happens quickly and waiting for it could get you stuck long enough that she’ll be asking you to get engaged. Waiting for events to happen just doesn’t work. You’ve got to make the event happen, and sooner than you want to.
Every one is different, but there are some basic rules of the road that will keep you sane and out of trouble. Don’t get into an argument with her, and don’t tell her about anything wrong with her. She’ll figure all that out in due time. Tell her some good things, like she’s beautiful, or cute, or that she’s got a great sense of humor, or she’s witty, or really intelligent. It can be almost anything so long as it gives her some comfort.
After nine months, it is probably better to be with her, so you can deal with her directly. This is a matter of respect for her, and for you it is a matter of how many guts you’ve got. You can't be too shy or a coward. You will find that seeing her listen to you as you tell her is more difficult, but it forces you to deal with it in a judicious way, and it gets the job done better because she can see you mean it. After the ordeal, she will respect you (eventually) for having been up-front and not wishy-washy about it. You will feel a huge relief after she’s out of sight and you’re set loose and free.
Try to do it in a place where she has some privacy, but at the same time where she can get away if she wants to, like in the park when the park isn’t busy, down a side street, in a parked car somewhere semi-public, at lunch or an early dinner, or anywhere else where she won’t feel trapped but where you both can talk privately.
After you compliment her, ask her how she thinks the relationship is going. If she says great, you can say you’re not so sure. Remind her you have no complaints about her, but tell her that you’ve got a lot of plans in your life, even if they are unspecific and not career oriented, and that having a girlfriend all the time can’t help but get in the way. Tell her you’re too young to get too involved, that she is too, and that both of you will do better to cool it a bit.
Keep it simple, short, and unmistakable so she doesn’t get confused or hopeful that you will change your mind. The last paragraph is just a sample of what to say. The main thing is to do it, if you’re sure you want the relationship to end. After you’ve done it once, fair warning, the second and third time is still difficult if you are sensitive about how much the girl will get hurt. You’re a good guy to be sensitive, but practicality must rule your decision-making in some of life’s concerns, and practicality is a hugely important guidepost in dumping girls with whom you didn’t fall in love, or for whom your love has become worn and tattered.
If you don’t learn to pull away with some efficiency, both you and the girl can get more hurt than is necessary. The same applies to girls.
Wiz
August 21, 2008
Question: I’ve been with this girl for about six months. I’m a junior in high school and I only fell for her because I had a little crush on her. Then she asked me and I could not say no. I’m that kind of guy. I really do not like her any more and I just do not know how to break up with her. I’m not the type to sit down and talk. I’m really shy and I just would not know what to say, and now the girl I grew up with for whom I have had a crush up until now loves me and I love her too. So how do I get rid of my current girlfriend?
Can you please help work this out?
ANSWER: You can ask out the girl for whom you’ve had a crush for so long right away by telling your girlfriend that something has happened and you want to start dating someone else. Tell her you hope she understands that it has nothing to do with anything wrong with her. That will get you done with the relationship right away. It will be truthful and you can date your new girlfriend.
If you have more time, you only need to let her know, and that you can do that in a lot of different ways. At your age no relationship gets too deep. You don’t need surgery to get it done.
Here is a wimpy way to do it: Don’t ask her out on any more dates. If she asks you out, tell her you’re too busy. If she asks if you are interested any more, say no, not for anything romantic, though you still like her as a friend. This is not as respectful to a six month date as you should be. It is hard work to sit down and talk to her like a straight-shooting, stand-up guy. After a relationship lasting six months, one must struggle to understand how you can be too shy. More likely you find the hard work distasteful and you want to avoid it.
You’ll be more proud and you will feel better, and you will be better for the next dump, if you are respectful of her and talk to her like the straight-shooting, stand-up guy you can be.
Wizard
August 19, 2008
Question: Ok. This is a strange one. I am in high school and I met a girl there and we were best friends almost instantly and I know we both wanted it to be more. But she had a boyfriend. Then, when she dumped him, I finally saw my chance. So I waited a week and when that week was up we started hanging out more, and (more romantically).
Well, after a few days I find out she got married to an immigrant to keep him in the country. He’s a great guy and I think he’s cool, but we still hung out, and then I asked her out even in her situation and I still question myself for that. Well, we were dating for a month and I seriously love her. I know that high school love is generally a stupid idea, but in my life love is practically non-existent, even within my family. It sucks, it’s sad, I know.
Well, she moved to another state after that month or so and it just about broke my heart to see her go and say goodbye. Her mom and dad basically were like second parents to me. And we never told anyone, not even her parents or any friends.
Well, after a week or so this girl that I said hi to in the hall a few times and had some short conversations with called me out of the blue. I am a gentleman, so I talked to her, but we ended up talking for a good 4 hours. And I have this thing where I can’t hurt anyone’s feelings or say no. And she called again for the next 3 nights and she basically confessed that she is obsessed with me, wants to have sex with me, and told me her dreams about me, which was very awkward.
Now the girl I love moved during the summer and this new girl that I don't have any feelings for like that calls me a few days before school starts. Now I don't know what to do. I’m not going out with her because I’m already in a relationship with a girl that I love, and I’m not in one with this other chick, but can I still dump her?
Here are my questions –
What should I do about my girlfriend that I love. She’s the one married to the immigrant. I have nothing against immigrants, but I don’t want him to get deported or her to get in trouble and I love her completely, but I still question if I should have ever done anything with her romantically. Should I have just not told her how I felt and lived with it?
What do I do about this new girl? I don't want to hurt her because there’s a high chance she’d do something stupid if I did or "dumped her" even though we’re not going out.
I don't think there’s a way out of this without almost all parties getting hurt.
ANSWER: The girl you love has moved. You don’t say how far away, but the impression is that she is out of the area. Did her husband move with her? Do they live together? Did she move with her parents? You and she kept your love secret from her parents. Did she keep her marriage secret? Her bogus, surreptitious relationship with the immigrant may also be illegal. Her relationship with you is equally dubious.
The other girl is a fly that thinks you are fly paper. She’s attracted to you and ready to get stuck on you. You have no interest in her but you don’t want to hurt her. If that is true, you should reject dating her and otherwise avoid her, because like a fly to fly paper, if she sticks to you she will be sorely disappointed and she will be hurt.
So the advice is simple. Stay away from both girls and find a new girl.
Wizard
August 12, 2008
Question: I was with a girl, still am. I was nice to her, did stuff for her. She said she loves me every day, but she’s messing with another man. She says she loves me and not him, but she keeps going to see him and ignoring me now. And she thinks I’m really good looking, so it ain’t lack of attraction.
ANSWER: Your good looks ain’t enough if she is young and flirting around with other guys. Be cool about it, because if she isn’t the girl you’re going to hook up with, so be it. A lot of wonderful ladies are out there, and you’ll charm one of them with good looks, attention, and love, and she’ll stay with you for reasons far more important than your good looks.
Wizard
August 11, 2008
Question: Well, I’m in high school and just moved here. I don’t have many friends, if any, but I’m dating this girl. She’s really nice but very needy and already talking about marriage, and I’m pretty sure she thinks I feel the same way. I want to end it before it gets too serious, but really want to stay friends, because all her friends are my friends, so I’m worried they'll hate me for it. How should I end it nicely and still be good friends?
ANSWER: If you’ve been dating a long time, and she is already talking about marriage, she’s grown roots deep into your existence, and pulling them out is difficult enough. Keeping your friendship, after all that, will not be so easy.
Nonetheless, you are of high school age. If she is living in reality, she must know that marriage is a poor idea if she thinks it should happen now. The likelihood is that she is dreaming and deep in her mind she knows that marriage is not a realistic possibility. When she is told that you want to end the romance but not the friendship, she will initially be disappointed – but more because of the end of a good thing and not the revelation that you can’t get married. You might succeed if you talk of keeping the good thing going – that is, the friendship and not the romance.
Knowing this, you can approach her as a good friend would. That is, you can speak frankly about how it was unrealistic for both of you to talk of marriage, that it was a dream you both share, and that you are both too young to take it seriously. Explain to her that at this time you think both of you will benefit by taking romance out of your experience. If a romance is to occur in your futures, you can make it more meaningful and give it a better chance of success if you wait until you are older. In the meantime, a good friendship will keep the coals burning, and who knows what will happen. In this way you can keep a good thing alive without killing it by falling into a romance of dubious success.
The coals will turn cold without wind or fuel. Your friendship will supply wind and fuel so long as it lasts. Be prepared for the coals to burn out, and the friendship with them, as you and she discover new people and enter new relationships.
Last, but not least, be sure not to allow your decisions to be influenced by what friends think. Decisions about dating are best made only by you and your girlfriend because only you know the intimate details. If friends know something you don’t, well, then a different picture arises, but that is not the case here. One point is important: Never stay in a relationship just to keep friends happy. That is unwise.
Wizard
August 7, 2008
Question: I’ve been going out with a girl for about a month now and I really like her and stuff, but I feel bad because none of her friends support her in going out with me since they all hate me, and they are starting to hate her because she’s going out with me. And I really don’t know if staying with her is the right choice. Please help.
ANSWER: Unless you committed some heinous crime to make them dislike you so much, you should date this girl if she continues to like you. You and she should be able to enjoy each other’s company and go on dates without the interference of gaggling busy-bodies who should mind their own business.
If you think she is worth it, and if she thinks you are worth it, you both can weather the storms these girls create. Eventually they’ll fade into oblivion while you and your girl proudly enjoy each other.
Wizard
August 5, 2008
Question: How can a girl use a boy and like him at the same time?
ANSWER: She doesn’t love him. Most girls know: If you use him you lose him. A self-respecting guy who gets used won’t hang around.
Wizard
August 4, 2008
Question: I've been dating this girl for about 7 months and she's really into the relationship. She's been getting really depressive lately and annoying. I want to end the relationship but I'm not sure how to go about it. Please help!
ANSWER: Check out the previous answer. Be truthful. Compliment her. Avoid criticisms. Don’t delay. Don’t give mixed messages – be clear and simple in the message. Stick to it. Don’t suggest you’ll change your mind in the future.
You do not want to mislead her. If you do, she will only get more into the relationship and more depressed when she sees symptoms of your lack of interest.
As stated in the previous message, you are the most kind and most gentle when you tell the frank truth. Add to the end of that last sentence, “without delay.”
Wizard
August 2, 2008
Question: Hey, I'm so confused about what to do with this girl I've been dating.
Tomorrow I will be in the army so I won't be at home for more then 8 days per month and I don't know what to do or say.
I've known this girl for about 6 or 7 years and now I thought I liked her. But while she was on vacation I started to just not care about her anymore. Now she's back. I still went to bed with her and I’m having great regrets.
She keeps calling me and telling me I love her, but I don't give in. I mean I did say I'm not in love with her but she doesn't seem to “hear it.”
Then yesterday she came drinkin' at the bar I worked in weekends, and sat there crying because she thought I didn't pay enough attention to her. Can't do anything about that 'cause I've been busy working.
I don't like to hurt her, knowing that she has a bad history in relationships.
So what should I do? How can I be as gentle as I could possibly be? Thanks in advance!
ANSWER: It is difficult to be delicate while breaking up. Sometimes the truth appears to be cruel and downright mean. Actually, however, the truth is the best thing to tell. If the relationship has no future, it is fool-hardy to attempt to prolong it just because someone’s feelings might get hurt.
You are brave and ready. So do it. Your best instinct tells you to protect her from pain. You want to be as gentle as you can be without hurting her. If she wants you, and if she has built up hopes and dreams in her mind, and if she has invested time and effort into the relationship, she will be hurt. You cannot escape that – so don’t worry yourself blue over it.
You will soften the blow by telling her compliments and avoiding criticisms. That much is important. Your message must be clear and unmistakable. Going to bed with her after you tell her you don’t love her is a hugely mixed and confusing message. Dumb move.
But now you must take on the reins of responsibility and duty. As a military guy you know you must go do it – so get to it and get it done. Be gentle and kind, but be truthful. For this problem, the frank truth is the kindest and gentlest measure.
Wizard
August 1, 2008
Question: I’ve been dating this girl for about a month now. We dated once before but we broke up because of constant fighting. Now we’ve gotten back together and she claims she loves me. I thought I loved her too until recently when I realized that I don’t necessarily love her. I just love that someone loves me like that. We’re completely opposite from each other and it takes all I have not to yell at her all the time. I feel uncomfortable around her only since we’ve been dating, but everything was hunky-dory when were just friends. How do I tell her I don’t love her but still keep her as a friend?
ANSWER: Just a word of caution from the start. You must be ready to lose her as a friend. She might stay friends with you and she might not. Some people just can’t stand being friends after a break-up, even when the break-up is friendly.
You’re a good guy. You recognize that you don’t love her and you want to do the responsible thing, which is to avoid misleading her and letting her fall deeper in love with you.
Tell her the truth. Tell her you enjoyed her greatly when you were friends. After you starting dating, you thought you loved her, but now you realize that you really don’t love her as in romance – you love her as in friends. Tell her everything was hunky-dory as friends but now you’re not so comfortable. Ask her if she minds that you go back to being friends.
Keep it as simple as possible. Be clear about the lack of interest in romance. Give her credit and good compliments. Keep it as up-beat as possible, even if she perceives it as a let down.
Wizard
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