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December 31, 2007
Question: Hello, My girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years. For some reason, she made New Year’s Eve plans with her
girlfriends to go out to a club. I always thought couples were supposed to spend New Year's Eve together. I told her how I feel but she won't
change her mind. What should I do? This whole situation is making me both angry and sad.
ANSWER: Five years into the relationship, one would expect that you would spend New Year’s Eve together. Has she rejected you before?
Has she spoiled plans made with you? If this were a true sign of the end of your relationship, other signs should have occurred before this. If
this is the first sign, something special about being with her friends on New Year’s Eve trumped her interest in you. She may be able to
explain it so that you will feel better about it.
What is your experience with her during the last four New Year’s celebrations? If you had spent those times with her alone, your
expectations dashed, you should feel concerned. If she had done this before, she might not be hugely out of line, though she would have been
kinder to discuss it with you beforehand.
If she is ending the relationship, you probably know that by now (as this answer was written on January 2). Sad is an appropriate emotion.
Angry is normal, but try to squelch it while trying to understand her reasons.
Wizard
December 30, 2007
Question: Greetings! I am writing from Latvia, so pardon my English. I am with a girl for couple of months and she is a nice person,
although I hooked up with her mostly because she was so crushed on me and I felt sorry for her. And now she loves me endlessly. It feels like I
am with her just to protect her and make her happy, because I don’t think that I can love anyone anymore. She is nice person and great
looking. She had screwed life so far, but I don’t like her baggage. Like dozens of guys she ****** and "loved," she`s sloppy,
kind of dumb, but has great soul and heart. Sex is great for her, awesome she says. I am kind of bored and disgusted and all the time I am
screaming in my mind when I see her: "****** slut . . . ." I decided to be with her because I thought, “why at least can’t
someone have a happy story in her life,” and I wanted to straighten her life because she was scared all the time at first, and totally
unaware of **** that is being dumped on her and the world around her. I know that basically what I am doing is a wrong thing, but it is also a
good thing to help another human. So tell me my friend, what *** **** am I about to do next, because I am in too deep. Thank You for your time.
P.S.: Somewhere on the way I started to think that the thing I am looking for doesn’t exist . . . just damaged goods!!!
ANSWER: If you don’t like her baggage, dump her. You’ve only been in the relationship a couple of months. You don’t need
to salvage a damaged life – you will only damage her life more if you don’t dump her.
If she is so fragile that she might break, her need that you dump her is that much greater. Do not stay in the relationship to avoid hurting
her. As you delay you actually hurt her that much more, because the emotional roots grow deeper over time.
Wizard
December 24, 2007
Question: My girlfriend recently showed me a picture of a family tradition she has on Christmas. Without even thinking of what I was saying,
I responded with telling her not to waste her time telling me about traditions or showing me the traditions. The night before, she was talking
about her traditions, and religion, both of which don’t really appeal to me. I have never been comfortable with religion, and traditions I
am not familiar with. I began to regret what I said the instant I finished saying it. Now I fear I will lose her. I know family traditions are
important to her. We have had arguments in the past, but they were worked out. Only minutes after what I said, I am asking her what I can do to
make amends for what I said. Please help. I don’t want to lose someone I have so much love for.
ANSWER: Bah, Humbug! If you don’t believe in Christmas, and many don’t, don’t dismiss those who do, especially if they are
a loved one at Christmas time! Don’t dismiss any religion you do not believe in. Many people may agree with you, but those who believe in a
religion have the right to worship and to practice its tenets, and those who love them must be respectful of that right. Frankly, all people must
not only respect the religion of others, but must support the belief, the faith, and the good works done as believers in a faith, whatever it is.
The same is true of tradition. Whatever it might be and whatever silliness you think it is, if the tradition is important to a loved one,
respect it and be supportive. If it doesn’t harm anyone, it is a good thing if it is cherished by one you love.
Apologize. In doing so, tell her that you were ignorant and brutish in making your remarks. Tell her you didn’t think at all and you
immediately realized what an intellectual klutz you were when you said it. Tell her you will never do that again and mean it.
Then offer to go to church with her, well, at least next Sunday, a small sacrifice to keep one you love. If you don’t like church,
religion, and tradition, express your views in debate with friends, but keep mum when your loved one shares with you something she holds
dear.
If, despite all that is written here, you are convinced that this issue is important to you, and it is more important than the relationship,
then you should hold to your principles and dump her. You will deserve “Humbug” from anyone you meet, but that will be okay with you
if you think the anti-religious, anti-tradition principle is too important. See the November 30, 2007 question and answer. Perfection is not
possible. If your girlfriend’s religion and traditions are too obnoxious for you to tolerate, which is entirely up to you, dump her.
The rational and wise answer is you tolerate her religion and traditions, if you love her. We tolerate the religions and traditions of our
neighbors, if we love them. We tolerate the religions and traditions of the world, if we love our fellow human beings.
Wizard
December 24, 2007
Question: should i dump my girl? she hasn’t hurt me. it just doesn’t feel right.
ANSWER: As nicely as you can, dump her. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you.
Wizard
December 21, 2007
Question: I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 and 1/2 years. We recently had a talk and I found out that she doesn't trust me as much as
her cheating ex boyfriend. I have never cheated once on anyone and she knows this. Her ex was a total ***hole. I know the guy personally
actually, and she doesn't trust me as much as him. She says she "loves" me and is just worried about getting hurt again. I would never
hurt her. She is ******* with my head. Personally, I have never loved someone that I didn't trust first. Is this some sort of chick thing or
should I dump her?
ANSWER: No, it is not a chick thing. Nor is it a guy thing. It is a dating thing. Every girl and every guy who has been disappointed,
jilted, dumped unnecessarily or unjustly, or cheated on when all was rosy, worries more on future dates than he or she did with the initial
problem-causing date. The reason is that he or she did not have the experience before the bad date and now must deal with the experience when on
future dates. The worse the experience, the more difficult it is to forget.
No one worries about confusing lemon oil detergent with a juice drink, except the one who drank lemon oil detergent without checking the
bottle. After that experience the one stupid enough to drink the lemon oil detergent will carefully check every juice drink bottle he or she
encounters thereafter. That does not mean he or she does not like juice drinks.
She got burned. Now she’s more cautious. All you need to do is continue being yourself. She will get grow into complete trust if you
never break it.
Wizard
December 20, 2007
Question: I have been with my Girlfriend for a year and 3 months now. For the first 9 months I was with my dream girl, my one and only. She
always told me she had never had a relationship last 9 months. I found out why. On the 1st day of the 6th month she turned into a completely
different person. Now every time I ring her she picks up in a depressed voice, quiet every time I see her, nasty mood swings, and manipulative. I
feel nothing any more when I’m with her. I could be with a random mate. We get on but I just don’t find her attractive anymore.
She’s stunning too!! It’s even got to the stage I pretend to go to sleep instead of having to have sex. When we do have sex she loves
it and I just lie there like “so let me know when you get tired.” Also she suffers from stomach pains which she has always had but
these always seem (in my eyes) to get worse when I arrange to do other things and not see her. She was in hospital for 2 weeks and they found
nothing, specialists found nothing, hundreds of tests found nothing. Can you see where I’m going?? I won’t even go into the fact she
is claiming benefits and now has this idea she will never be able to work ever, etc. (it gets boring). So what I am trying to say is I have come
to the decision I want to dump her, but I don’t know how, and it’s Christmas. Is it nasty to do it now? I’ve got her presents
and she hasn’t got mine so I could? Please help. How do I do it? I’m pretty sure I want to, but I do love her.
ANSWER: You don’t love her. You care for her. That is perfectly normal and heroic, but don’t sacrifice your good life and future
to care for her. The best care for her is to dump her so you don’t confuse her about what you think.
The wizard regrets being away and indisposed to answer your question before your Christmas holiday. As for timing of the dump during the
holidays, too much depends on circumstances of family and pre-arranged schedules. Without a long text of needed information, the wizard cannot
easily assist you in timing the dump, except to say be sensitive to commitments you and she have made to friends and family. Do not topple an
apple cart bigger than the one you pull at home.
Often sad and worrisome because you care for her and don’t want her to be hurt any more than necessary, a dump is a deed done with
integrity and good purpose. If the relationship is not good for you, in the long run it is not good for her either.
As for how – so much has been written on this site about that. Be direct, be clear, don’t waffle, don’t delay, don’t
change your mind later. Give her compliments, don’t chastise or criticize her, and be firm. If you live together, don’t linger
around. Separate as soon as possible and terminate the ties between you, like jointly held property and joint debts. Be kind and generous.
Don’t argue over small points. Keep it as simple as possible and make the break a clean one.
Good luck.
Wizard
December 18, 2007
Question: I've been with my girlfriend for almost four years now (had small break ups a few times) and I'm still not certain I want to be
with her. We get on really well but quite often I find myself feeling unhappy being with her and I'm not sure why! I know the answer seems
obvious but I don't want to make a mistake and mess her around. I fear that it will be a big mistake and that I'll lose her for good.
ANSWER: If you dump her you probably will lose her for good. If you don’t know whether to dump, and can’t bring yourself to a
decision, it is wise to wait and see if the reason for your unhappiness becomes clearer. You don’t want to throw away a good thing. The
problem for you, however, is that feeling unhappy being with her is not a good thing.
Four years into the relationship, you might soon confront a need to make a decision. If you haven’t determined the source or cause of
it when it is time to decide, decide against the relationship. You will probably regret having done it and you will wonder whether it was a
mistake. Remember why you did it – not the cause of feeling unhappy, because you might never know the cause. The
why is that you are unhappy being with her. That alone, even if the cause is unknown, is a good, sensible reason for a dump.
Wizard
December 18, 2007
Question: Well, as ridiculous as it seems to me to submit my dilemma with a girl on the internet, I fancy an unbiased opinion, so here goes.
Me and this girl have been going out for two months now. I’m 16, she’s 17. When I first met her I had nothing for her but lust, cause
she is smokin'. But as I got to know her more and more it turns out that the cogs and gears behind the looks could use some fine tuning, in other
words, she's depressed, incredibly self-conscious and unconfident, and unbelievably controlling, clingy, accusing, and God knows what else.
That's the negative side. Anyhow, that's what I see more and more.
When we first met, she was in a 3 year long relationship, 2 of the years being long distance. She has a very capricious and flirtatious
personality, and it's totally on accident. She is the sweetest girl there is, and it is literally her goal in life to put everyone before her and
make them happy. We started talking as friends for about a month or two before I started convincing her to split roads with the guys that are
interested in her, although I know that once she is with a guy, she is dedicated to them, and would never cheat on me, But still, what guy would
want that? She talks to other guys, yet nearly whips my ass every time I even accidentally look in the general direction of another female. She
gets worked up and upset if I'm not perfect to her. And I don't mind being so. I love her. Remember that when analyzing this. Despite all of her
flaws, all of her insecurities, and all of the S*** she puts me through, especially lately, I love her, and I know I want this relationship to
work.
But through all of this, there is only one real concrete problem that I fear will end our relationship in only a matter of time. This entire
time we've been dating, she has been talking to her ex-boyfriend. They talk daily. They still talk as if they were dating, although she stresses
that she has made it clear they are not. Save for the past 2 weeks she had hidden the fact that me and her are together from him, she . . .
(missing text) . . . and were both there.
Basically my question is, should I show her that I love her, and treat her with love, and take her tramplings until they one day pass by,
until she is mine, or should I move on?
ANSWER: You know of only one thing that could end the relationship in a matter of time, and that is her conversations with her former
boyfriend. You want the relationship to work, and you’ve only been at it for two months.
Show her you love her. Enjoy all the good things she has to offer. If she is responsive (and your narrative suggests she is at least that)
and you still love her, a good reason has not appeared to end it.
Wizard
December 5, 2007
Question: My girlfriend is being an itch and like keeps yelling at me. Should I dump her or stay with her and wait it out?
ANSWER: Waiting it out is not a sensible option. When one in a pair is yelling, someone is messing up and it needs immediate fixing.
If this is not usual, talk it out with her. When things calm down, you both should be able to reason with each other. (If this is what you
meant by "waiting it out," yes, wait it out.)
If it is a constant harangue, determine if she is yelling at you because you are screwing up or failing to do something you should do. If
so, she is right. Don’t wait it out. Immediately change your behavior or fix it.
If she is yelling at you for no good reason, she is not right. She changes her behavior or fixes it. If she doesn't, you dump her. You
wait only so long as you can tolerate it.
Wizard
December 4, 2007
Question: This girl has a child, but I was willing to be part of her family. Everything goes great, then she decides that it’s too
serious and becomes very defensive. This hurts me a lot, and then we chat, decide it isn’t working, and sort of cool it off. Then she says
she likes me still and we get back together. Then it happens again. So we cool it and I say I love her and if I can’t have her then we
should break up. We break up. Then two weeks later she says she loves me. So, we get back together, then she says it’s too serious and we
cool off. I don’t know what to do. Because of timing within the relationship due to Birthdays and Parties, etc., we have spent a lot of
time together. So I understand we haven’t really taken it slow. But I love her and love spending every minute, and she never tells me
it’s too quick until it’s too late. What should I do?
ANSWER: She is unsure – or – she has too much of you. If she is unsure, you must question the quality of the relationship, as
you obviously have done before. But she keeps taking you back after you break up. That suggests that she values you and needs another remedy.
The wizard knows several possible remedies but in the space of this media can only suggest one. Hopefully you will find some success with
this remedy – the Box of Chocolate remedy.
Set up (in your mind) an informal schedule, one that slows it down but does not snuff it out. Stick to it. For instance, if you are used to
seeing her three times a week, cut back to once a week. You need to say no when she wants to see you more, and you must say no to yourself when
you want to see her more.
This will ingest a leavening influence – give it balance. It might only need to last a month or two, and it might require six or eight
months. You must be insistent for a while. Watch for her emotional reaction and keep note of your own reaction. The goal is to develop
anticipation in her mind (as well as yours) for the next time you are together. If the time together is valuable to you both, the anticipation
will build and ultimately drive you both to a deeper and more consistent relationship.
To help you understand, the wizard likes the analogy of a Box of Chocolate. Assume you love chocolate. Buy a box and eat all of it. You are
so satiated you won’t buy chocolate again for a long time. Buy only two small pieces of chocolate, you’ll buy two more tomorrow.
Pace out your relationship over time, just like you would chocolate. You might see her grow more interested in you with two bites at a time
instead of the entire box in one sitting. As both of you learn to pace out your time together, you will eventually learn how to pace out your
desire for each other while spending all your time together. That is the trick to a long-term, loving relationship. It’s like storing a box
of chocolate in the refrigerator for special occasions. Having it there is wonderful, and getting it out on special occasions is wonderful.
Hence, all the time is wonderful because you build anticipation and you are never disappointed!
Wizard
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