ARCHIVE February 2008

February 27, 2008

Question: I can’t let her do that to herself, ya know? Well, now every time I talk to her I feel like ****. I told her I had a problem with my mom and she talked about how I complain too much and how I’m such a failure. She also played around by calling me a pussy and she knows I have a problem with that. I feel even more like **** when she tells me how I never do anything for her. I make her food on command, buy her ****, and do anything she says. By the way, she hasn’t done **** for me in a month, except syrup . . . hmm. I don’t know.

ANSWER: Uh oh. The crack is widening. Try not to fall through.

Where’s that sense of humor?

Wizard

February 27, 2008

Question: Sorry, wizard. my psp can only type so much. Anyways, carrying on from pity. Eventually we got back together because I believe in second chance. Once again, we broke up again because she smoked in front of my face even though she promised me she will never smoke again. She couldn’t keep a promise, so I dumped her. I got back with her again because she was too special to me. She was the only person I have ever felt in love with and I cant let go. She’s the kind of girl that would hurt herself if I broke up with her.

ANSWER: Back again, gone again.

Smoking is a killer. A promise to someone else (like you, her family, her friends, the priest, the police force, the entire U.S.A. army!) will not work. She must make the promise to herself.

Wizard

February 27, 2008

Question: Hey, wizard. I’m 16 and I’ve been going out with this girl for about 6 months. After the second month I started to lose interest in her because I hate what she likes and she hates what I like. I hate weed, piercings, and she wants to be a pornstar (which I hate). Anyways, I lost interest in her and then I "made fire" during the 3rd month. After that it went downhill again. She broke up with me while she was on her period and she told me she didn’t care about me, plus she only went out with me because of pity. Wait.

ANSWER: Whoosh. You’re like a prairie brush fire.

You have no problem. Nothing is remarkable about not liking someone and knowing they don’t like you either. Let’s not call it “hate” that you feel about what she likes and what she feels about what you like. You just don’t agree. “Hate” is too inflammatory a word.

Fires by linguistic definition and by scientific fact will burn out. It’s the sparks magically lit that light up a romance. The match is the attraction of two spirits and the sparks fly from a mystical thing we call love – and no fire hose can douse it. Yet, sometimes the silliest, most unfortunate circumstances cause the sparks to flicker out. The cause is often tragic, sometimes foolish, and rarely necessary. Yours were not sparks, just fire.

Let her walk her mile (with her interests, that’s only how far she’ll get) and you go down your path. “Never the twain shall meet.”

Wizard

February 27, 2008

Question: Thank you, Wizard. I will give them a try ( Never have time replies-Feb 25). Still can’t help feeling low and that she’s trying to elbow me tho!

ANSWER: You’re welcome. You may be right about that, unfortunately.

Keep your sense of humor. An ability to smile and see the lighter side of things (even at the dark side) is a sign of strength and resilience in bad times. You should be sure she sees that side of you, if you have it (and the wizard thinks you do have it).

Wizard

February 27, 2008

Question: I have a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is at a University in a different country. At the beginning things were going well and she was obsessed with me. But gradually she started not to be so interested in me.

She wants to be all the time with her friends and we don't talk so much, etc. I pointed out that she was indifferent and she didn't admit it directly. I also found an email in which she was telling one of her friends that I was pissing her off for a period, she liked other guys, and we were far away. She mentioned that I was definitely the one she was to be with, but she also tells she wanted to tone it down for a while.

We are together for a year and I have known her from when she was a little child. We had been close friends for many years until I realized I loved her.

I'm very selfish and I ignore her the same way she ignores me because I don't want to be anyone's puppet. I forgot to mention that she always tells me that she loves me but her behavior doesn't prove that. I love her but on the other hand I can't ruin my life and my soul for a spoiled girl. I want both of us to sacrifice some things for our relationship. And we did it for a while, but now I think she's not able to carry such a heavy burden.

I could wait for her for all my life, but for the time being I can't suffer all this situation any more if she's not good-willed. It's a really hard decision but I think I'll announce to her that I've decided to break up (though I love her).

I would appreciate your prompt answer.

ANSWER: Looking at each other direct in the eye, quickly and meaningfully responding, and settling with a big hug or kiss, can’t happen at a long distance.

Although with some things long distance is good. She can’t pull your strings like a puppeteer from University in another country. Nor can she easily ruin your life or pester you as a spoiled girl.

This relationship began withering on the vine from a time long ago. Better to tune it out than tone it down. Distance already toned it down for you.

Good dating relationships are symbiotic. Yours has lost its symbiotic character.

Wizard

February 26, 2008

Question: I am 17, 18 next month – I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for 1 year and half and I like this other girl. The other girl is nice, funny, sweet, and we have been mates for 2 years now, and I KNOW she likes me in that way.

Problem is I am staying at university where I live. My girlfriend a year below me doesn’t know if she is staying here with me next year, and this other girl is going away to Northwestern for University, but thinks it could work.

Me and my girlfriend are in love, yes, but I feel I want more experience. We don’t have sex too often (I want it more, don’t think she does). If I was older like 21 then maybe it could work - but these are 'the best years of my life' and I’ve only got one life?! What do I do?

ANSWER: You are at the beginning of the best years of your life (for some things). Old age ain’t so bad either, for some things. You are single, so follow your feelings.

Wizard

February 25, 2008

Question: Hi, I'm 17 and I've been going out with my girlfriend for just over 6 months. I started out being just physically attracted to her, but as time has gone on I would say that I have grown to love her, in that I care for her. I've known that she's always had stronger feelings for me than I have for her, but just the other day she said that she'd fallen in love with me. It may sound a little childish, but I've always felt that teenage couples can’t be "in love" and that as a young person I don’t want to be trapped into a serious relationship. I feel that at the moment it should be more about fun and enjoying your time together.

I do still like her, but I feel myself panicking and I'm not sure what I should do.

Please help.

ANSWER: You are right to be looking for a relationship that is about fun and enjoying time together. Being in love is okay and can be a part of it. It is risky. Obviously, if the “love” felt by either of you fails to evolve into the kind of love that more mature and experienced people feel, then one or both of you may feel hurt when the moment arrives to end it. Also, if you’ve become trapped into a serious relationship, and can’t get out with other girls, you might find that you like being “trapped,” at least while you both love each other. If you are trapped, and don’t like it, cool the relationship down. You can always do that. But don’t stop for fear of being trapped.

The wizard recommends that you have fun and enjoy your time together by letting the relationship run its natural course. It could get better; it could dissolve quickly; it could slowly wither; it could ignite into a firestorm of mutual attraction and need. Who knows?

Remember Romeo and Juliet? Shakespeare’s fiction is not just fiction. Part of Shakespeare’s fame among centuries of readers is that he touches on what is real in each of us as humans – in whatever century we live.

Love exists for all ages. It grows, morphs, curls outward and then inward, wanes, and sometimes burns. Risk is real. Pain is real. So is the joy and the reward.

Give it a try.

Wizard

February 25, 2008

Question: I love my girlfriend. Been together 18 months, preparing to live together, want children together, but of late she keeps saying she has no time to see me or text me. Yet she spends two hours down the pub when she says she has work to do, and on the phone to her girlfriend for an hour! She stays later and later at work, is always tired, but always uses the “I’ve no time” phrase. They give her too much to do at work I say, but she says she doesn’t have time to do it all and refuses to start doing any work in the evenings. What fantastic one liner can I come up with to always answer “I’ve no time” or “There isn’t any time” without causing confrontation, argument, or her bursting into tears.

ANSWER: Here are a few ideas. Remember, though, that what is said needs to be said the “right way” and “at the right time” to be most effective. Sometimes nothing said can avoid the confrontation, argument, or tears.

“Listen, babe, time is precious. You must spend it on what is most precious for you.”

“I’ve got time for you, honey, if you’ve got time for me.”

“What’s ticking in that head of yours, girl? I hope sure as hell it isn’t that clock.”

“I know time is short. I know there is no time for everything. But you and I need time together because I love you, and time together is time we spend for no one else but us.”

“Time is only as valuable as what you get for it. If you get paid for it, okay, it’s worth that much. If you get lovin’ for it, well, that’s worth a lot more, isn’t it? You can spend what you get paid for your time, but you can’t spend the love you get. You have to earn it. And you earn it by spending time. That’s right – love is earned by spending your time.”

A thousand and one other ideas come to mind, some better, some not so good. But we run out of space.

Wizard

February 24, 2008

Question: I have a girlfriend for about 1 year now and we’re always having arguments and fights which she usually cause her to cry. I love her but lately we’re always having fights and she asked for a "cool off" period for 1 week (no calling or talking to one another). Before the week ends, this friend of mine, who is a girl who I had a crush on years ago (and who my girlfriend knows) asked me to hang out with her. I really want to go (besides, I still have 1 week before the cool-off period ends), but I feel that I am cheating my girlfriend. Am I? Is it wrong to go out with this friend of mine?

ANSWER: Cooling off periods serve a purpose. If your relationship is worth continuing, you will find yourselves wanting each other at the end of the period, and you’ll get together with a new perspective about the relationship. If during the cooling off period you find that you don’t miss one another, you’ll probably not revive the romance that you had started before.

Hanging out with another girl, especially one you had a crush on years ago, is worthwhile for you. It tests your feelings for your girlfriend and gives you a chance to experiment with your feelings and instincts.

Your girlfriend will not like it but she asked for the “cooling off” period. She should expect that something like this could happen. It is not immoral or “wrong” to go out with this friend of yours.

Enjoy hanging out with her.

Wizard

February 24, 2008

Question: My girlfriend has changed. She’s always dazed when it comes to me. She spends more time with her friends and she seems to not care anymore. What do I do?

ANSWER: You can be reactive or proactive. Reactive is: Expect a dump soon and take it when it comes. Proactive is: Dump her first.

Wizard

February 22, 2008

Question: I have been dating this women for a month. When we started dating she would not take any calls from her ex-boyfriend. Well, finally his persistence paid off and she accidentally answered the phone one day. At that point she decided that being friends was ok.

Last night we had a date scheduled at a local museum that had drinks and a band. When I picked her up she mentioned that her ex had called and asked if she was going. She told him yes but it wasn't clear if she told him I was her date.

We had a great time at the event dancing and drinking. Then the ex boyfriend shows up. She introduced me, but I didn't really pay much attention.

We danced together and socialized but every time I turned my back this guy was all over her. The last straw was we both put our coats on to leave and as I was saying goodbye to some friends, he grabs her and they are out on the dance floor. I endured not one but two songs as my friends are asking me, "Who is that guy? You should punch him."

As we left she admitted she handled the situation poorly and also had too much to drink.

Should I give her a second chance or dump her?

ANSWER: Glad you didn’t punch him. The fault lies with her, not with him. Some guys still like the old flame and want to re-light it. He wasn’t nice to you, but that isn’t his role – it’s hers.

A dump is not recommended because she admitted that she handled the situation poorly. She is responsible for the situation occurring at all. She (not you) must tell the ex that telephone calls are no longer wanted.

Give her a second chance, remembering she still harbours feelings for his guy. She allowed herself to go on the dance floor – she wasn’t cajoled or pulled and held. Whether she had too many drinks does not defeat her willingness to spill her emotions onto him with you standing alone ready to go.

If you keep her, tell her if it happens again next time you won’t wait for her. If she selects the ex again over you, especially in so rude a fashion, that selection should stick and you should move on to someone more reliably interested in you.

Wizard

February 22, 2008

Question: I have a girlfriend who I really want to dump and start living my life. We met online. She lives somewhere in New Jersey and I’m in Arizona. We talk a lot since we met, straight 6-10 hours a day, every day. Everything went great. We even made a promise to marry each other. After a while, I realized that she is not the one I really want. We had this struggle at the beginning where she wanted to leave me because, as she said, she doesn't deserve me. We debated for hours until I got her back. Then I realized that it wasn't worth it. I told her that she will find the guy she wants, and she will be happy, and that we need to move apart, but then she said she will kill herself if I leave. She got serious and she proved to me she can. What should I do now to leave, be happy, try with other girls and not worry that my "ex" will kill herself after I leave? Please help I’m hopeless.

ANSWER: She is in New Jersey and you are in Arizona. If you were superman capable of flying to her home faster than a speeding bullet, you could not solve her problems.

Ending the relationship is the best thing for both of you. Do not allow her to blackmail you with threats of self-harm. She is unfair to you whether or not she is serious and deserves to be dumped. If she is serious, she is probably intentionally stupid about her own needs and possibly sado-masochistic and needs help you cannot give. If anything, you would only complicate things.

You must dismiss it all as hooey and move on.

Wizard

February 22, 2008

Question: Dear Wizard, I was with my ex for 5 years, and we lived together for 4. We met at the age of 21 while at University and had an incredible bond. We've grown together but during the final year I started to get depressed because my life wasn't where I thought it should be. I had dreams and passions, and although I have an incredible job with good pay and lots of flexibility, I felt I needed to change something. So I dumped her.

We carried on living under the same roof for 6 weeks before we moved to separate shared accommodations, but I instantly felt a huge sense of freedom. I became incredibly confident, determined, bought new clothes, new music, partied, slept with other girls. My status in my job and my freedom went to my head and I felt invincible and full of passion.

However, what comes up must come down. I thought I had found the natural me, and was somewhat replicating a friend of mine who is always on top of life, is single, very successful. However, I hit a lack of energy which has lasted weeks. My job, which requires lots of travel, has been just as demanding as it has ever been. I moved to the other side of town (which is also where she has moved), and happens to be closer to our friends.

It's hard to see mutual friends now. And I miss my ex. But I still want freedom! She wants to start dating, but friends I ask say I should have a "clean break" because they assume I must have had some big problems with the relationship. I just don't know what to do. My work doesn't allow me enough time in one place to form new solid relationships. I am always traveling! My ex was the one stable thing in my life. Maybe I freaked out and acted too hastily? I don’t even know if I want to start a new life with new friends now! I can’t concentrate on work because this is eating me up! Help!

ANSWER: You are experiencing second thoughts about the break up and she wants to date. The right answer appears to be that you should start dating again.

To do that, at the beginning you should try to resolve some or all of the problems that brought about the break up so they will not creep up again.

Discuss the freedom you feel and want to keep, the fact that you travel so much for work, and the new confidence your freedom has inspired. Admit, at the same time, that you missed her and that she was the one stable thing in your life. She might reveal insights about you and the relationship that will surprise you. You might be able to recover the good things your relationship with her brought to your life, and who knows, your future might include her.

Be aware – success in business, confidence in one’s self, freedom, and happiness do not require that you lose the companionship of a faithful lover.

Wizard

February 21, 2008

Question: My girlfriend is driving me mad. She is definitely depressed and miserable a lot of the time. She hates her work, is embarrassed by her family, and is ratty.

We have argued since day one. I don't think I'm perfect but I'm really starting to worry that I'm a nasty person. She makes me wonder if I am. She says she wants kids next year but I don't think I'm ready. I don't know if I'm scared to grow up. I just want to enjoy life.

I'm worried if I finish with her she'll get even more depressed.

Should I dump her?

ANSWER: Forget about having children – you’re hardly ready to date steady. If she wants children with you, you must not be a nasty person.

Yes, enjoy life. Every human being should aspire to enjoy life.

You’re not scared to grow up; you’re cautious about having children with a depressed girl with whom you have argued since day one.

Yes, you should dump her.

Wizard

February 21, 2008

Question: I have a live-in girlfriend that I need to dump. I can't take her nonsense anymore and I pay most of the bills. I've lost touch with my friends because of her and I'm miserable. We recently had a big hairy fight around my birthday and now we've stopped having sex. How do I go about it?

ANSWER: Tell her that you believe both of you will be better off separate from each other, that she should move because you pay the rent, and you’ll give her the time she needs to find a new place.

Keep things civil because you’ll have to bear with each other for a while.

Wizard

February 19, 2008

Question: I will just put it bluntly and am not very happy about myself about it. But, am afraid of my wife. What I am afraid of is her desire to not communicate. Hence, anything that bothers me, I have to just keep inside because if I were to mention it, she would lay into me, and the confrontation would be painful, and she would win. She treats me like an idiot. She will tell me something. I will understand what she says the first time, but she will repeat the same thing about five more consecutive times, as if I cannot grasp it the first time, which I have. Why cannot I tell her that I "get it" the first time? She is so controlling. She is so cold.

I have worked all my life to provide a beautiful home, car, material things, travel, not to mention the basics of food and clothing, while she has been housekeeper, never working a day in her life. Sometimes, I think she wants to belittle me because I have been a success in my career, and to offset her lack of contribution (I do appreciate her household duties), but in comparison without me working as hard and risen to the level I have, we would live under a bridge in cardboard boxes if it were up to her contribution to our expenses.

We have not had sex since our daughter was born. Our daughter is 24. Sometimes, I inadvertently happen to touch her leg in bed, and she not just moves it away, she jerks it away as if annoyed. When we ride in the car for example and she brings up a topic, it is always very negative and a downer.

She never tries to build me up. She wants me to feel like a failure. I really feel it is her way of keeping me down, because I really should be feeling like I have taken great care of my family. But, she always criticizes, and makes me feel like I am never good nough. We do not say "I love you," hug, kiss, or have any affection. If I tried, she would respond with, "What's the matter with you?"

How can I turn this around to the point that at least we are on equal ground? As it stands, she is superior, and I am the moron who messes up all the time. Never good enough.

ANSWER: The “cold” you experience in your relationship is not an afternoon’s freeze – it’s an Ice Age.

You need drastic, long-term, and complicated strategies that will include her cooperation. You can only obtain that kind of service from a marriage counselor or similar kind of professional.

Wizard

February 18, 2008

Question: Hey! Okay, firstly, I'm 17. I've known my girlfriend (who I've been out with twice already, ages 11 and then 14) since I was 4, and I have been going out with her this time for about a year and a half. We've been good friends for ages, and I really do like her, but I'm in a bit of a rut. Nothing seems to happen. We hardly ever see each other, and for a year and a half that's pretty bad. We just seem to text and kiss every now and again at college. We haven't had sex, which is frustrating, but now I'm not even sure if I want to. It somehow doesn't seem right anymore. It doesn't help that I tend to have a low self esteem, not much confidence, so if she doesn't make the effort, then really, neither do I. I've found myself telling people that I've had sex with her because we've been together for so long. It seems ridiculous that the furthest we've gone is a snog! I'm pretty confused, and I think I should really dump her, but I still want to be friends. I don't know, ideas, Wizard?

ANSWER: You’ve nailed it firmly on the head. Be what you really are, friends, and good ones. You don’t dump a friend. When you are with her, say, “Let’s continue being good friends because we enjoy each other so much as friends, but let’s not pretend to be dating, at least, that’s what I have been doing. I want to stop telling people we’re dating and tell everyone what we really are, good friends.”

You’ve been expecting too much. Expect to be friends, as you have been for so many years, and leave it at that. Friendship is a hugely valuable thing for you. Keep it and enjoy it.

Do your dating with someone you feel “hot” for, and someone whose friendship you don’t mind losing.

Wizard

February 18, 2008

Question: I am attending the same university with my girlfriend. She promised to be with me on Valentines Day, but she did not pitch up. I tried to phone her but her cell was off. To add to that, I saw her friends but she was nowhere to be seen. She did not even try letting me know what was the problem. What should i do?

ANSWER: Withhold judgment until you talk to her. She could have had some kind of emergency – or a romantic interlude. When she shows up, talk to her. She may be apologetic or completely unaffected. Judge her after all the facts are in.

Wizard

February 13, 2008

Question: I've been dating this girl for about 6 months and she's the classic "agenda girl." Marriage, house, 2 kids by the time she's 35. I've pulled the reigns back on her and let her know who's boss, but I know she still has those expectations. I am not ready for all that and not sure if I ever want kids. All this aside, I am not all that attracted to her physically, but I really like spending time with her and we have a lot of fun. I know she would make an incredible mother AND her parents are loaded, so that would make for a very nice future life together considering the inheritance. Sometimes I really like her and sometimes I am looking over my shoulder for a girl I'm more attracted to physically. I feel like I'm kind of a zombie inside - running through the motions because that's what I'm supposed to do: work, get married, have kids, celebrate holidays and anniversaries, golf, die. I could look for someone perfect the rest of my life - never find her - and be totally fine. I'm just beginning to feel like . . . (missing text).

ANSWER: Her “agenda” is a list of laudable goals. Not every girl can get marriage, house, and two kids by the time she is 35. Missing from this list are two more essentials, love and husband – the roles you would fill. It “goes without saying” that love and husband are included with marriage and kids.

You are not right for this woman’s goals. You are too iffy on children, not attracted to her physically, and you think you’re boss. You are a good companion for her today, but you are not a lover for life.

For you no good reason justifies feeling inside like a zombie. Pursue the next girl that walks by who physically attracts you. She might not be perfect, but you’ll enjoy every moment looking at her.

Just remember: Every girl loses physical attraction over time (yes, indeedy) and prettier girls will always turn your head when they walk by (yes, indeedy). After some years in the world of rough and tumble, you might remember this fine lady you dumped fearing the mundane.

BUT! Don’t misunderstand. If you don’t dump her (so she can find the right guy for her – not you), you will always wonder what it would have been like, and because of that you will always be disappointed. So get it out of your system. Be a single guy and live life in all its colors and sounds. Soak it up, grow, and learn.

Wizard

February 12, 2008

Question: I have been married for 27 years. We have not had sex for 24 years, and our relationship is cold. I met a slightly younger, very pretty girl (I am 57, she is 40), and actually I have known her for 23 years. But, we recently reconnected. I really like being around this new girl, but let it be known that I would never leave my wife, and also, if my relationship with this girl were found out by my colleagues and family, it would devastate everyone. Still, I want to be with her. She makes me smile, laugh, she builds me up, and yes, there is some sex. I told her a couple months ago I was in love with her. I am not sure I really am, or just in love with the way she makes me feel. Because of my marital status, I can only spend maybe 30 minutes with her here and there. This makes her sad and I feel like she is too attached to me. She is very fragile, so I am scared to send her away, plus I do like her friendship (and more), but it may be too complicated. If I told her I was in love with her, did . . . (missing text).

ANSWER: . . . I make a mistake? Yes, a big mistake. The new girl adores you enough to want more of you. You misled her saying you love her. The reality is, as you state in your question, you will never leave your wife and you must keep your relationship with the new girl secret.

This is grossly unfair to the new girl. She makes you smile and laugh. She builds you up and has sex with you. These things satisfy your selfish need to feel good. What does she get out of this relationship? Thirty minutes here and there. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with her. Tell her again about your marriage and your commitment to the marriage, colleagues, and family. Admit you made a mistake saying that you love her. Of course you love what she gives you – you don’t love her.

Don’t find happiness victimizing a younger woman. (Yes, your response is, “She’s not a victim. She likes me a lot and wants to be with me.” You victimize her by dating her knowing the anguish that will hit her when she realizes her time with you is limited forever to “30 minutes here and there” because you have other priorities. Yes, she should know better. And yes, she likes being with you. All that translates into only one thing – she is an easy victim. You know better. Do the right thing.)

If you don’t do the right thing, be ashamed.

Focus on home and family. They need you most and that is where you are most committed.

Wizard

February 11, 2008

Question: I've been going out with a girl for three weeks now. I'm 17, and she is my first girlfriend. I'll fill you in on the basics first. She is the first girl I've ever gone out with because she left no doubt in my mind that she was interested in me (and I was pretty sure I quite liked her. I figured that time would tell.) Other girls who may have been interested, I've not considered on account of a low self esteem “of course she doesn't like me” sort of thing. I lost my virginity to this girl at a party a few weeks back though. That's when we started going out.

Now onto the more complicated stuff. She has had a string of boyfriends who were all one sort of bastard or another. Her previous one, she told me while she was drunk (one week ago), practically raped her. And when I tried to talk to her about it in the morning, she said “it's all right now, I don't want to talk about it, I've got you” or words to that effect. He has been emailing me, lying to me, and trying to break us up for as long as we've been going out, in vengeance for her having (finally) left him. But her self esteem is as low as is possible for self esteem to actually be. He told her she was only good for sex, and used and abused her. Her friends have told me that by going out with her, I am helping her massively, and her self esteem has improved, though she still has occasional nightmares (please do not suggest a psychiatrist – she would never go see one).

However, I'm not physically attracted to her, despite her intelligence, etc., and my friends tell me I could do better, and I'm inclined to agree. This is on account of her telling me that another girl, who I've had a small crush on for a while, likes me. But one of my girlfriend’s previous boyfriends abused her, and left her for this girl after two weeks. I don't want to do the same thing – I don't want to know how that would affect her psychologically. But basically I'm not physically attracted to her that much, and I feel that staying with her is my moral imperative. I don't even know if I'd want to dump her under normal circumstances. What should I do?

ANSWER: You took on the role of hero as a builder-up of self-esteem. You feel that staying with her is a moral imperative. The wizard tells you in five different ways that you should stop following your moral, heroic vision with this girl.

ONE: As you said in the beginning, time will tell, and it has. You have learned that you are not attracted to her, in spite of her intelligence, etc.

TWO: Staying with a girl because of a fear that dumping her will badly affect her psychologically accomplishes one thing only. It imprisons you. Thinking that way, you are your own jailor. She will continue to use you (even if it was your choice, not hers) as a crutch. She will be drunk again and allow herself to be abused again, but she will have you.

THREE: The calculus of your relationship is messed up. One plus one equals two. Your relationship is one plus one equals zero.

FOUR: Your feeling of moral imperative is well-intended, but you cannot fight windmills and win. Don’t be a Don Quixote.

FIVE: Dating is for romance and fun. You will not find romance and fun in this relationship.

Wizard

February 6, 2008

Question: I was in Iraq and my girlfriend continued to hang around with her ex. He came over one night and they got naked and she admitted it and said she stopped him because she thought of me. It has caused lots of mistrust because she just got off the phone with me an hour earlier. Makes me wonder if there were other nights. What to do?

ANSWER: Inevitably your girlfriend will be enticed and tempted, especially by an ex who perceives her loneliness and knows about your absence.

She stopped him because she thought of you. That, at least, tells you she had her priorities straight at the last moment. The fact that she told you about it suggests that it did not happen on other nights.

Tell her you are thankful that she thought of you and ask her to think of you at the first moment someone like the ex tries to get it on with her, so she doesn’t do the wrong thing.

You can’t control events. You must hope, and request of her, that she thinks about you first, at the beginning of the temptation and not afterward, until your return.

Wizard

February 4, 2008

Question: Hey Wizard, I’ve been seeing this girl for the past three months and, well, to be really honest with you, I only slept with her once at the beginning, and since then we've been trying to get to know each other. The problem is she has big money, family, house, attitude and anger management problems. I've tried to treat her like a princess helping her in every possible way to make her feel special and happy. She only calls to complain and yell . . . . When I go to her house we only watch movies (That is very boring). I feel like I no longer have any tricks up my sleeves to make this chick happy. I like her a lot, a lot . . . but the attraction is slowly fading away. I no longer feel the same way for her and I don’t think she does either . . . but we are kind of use to each other. I really don’t know what to do because I want to talk to her and let her know how I feel, that I like her a lot, and tried to treat her like a princess! But, because of her complaints all the time, it gets kind of annoying. Anyway, please help me, Wizard. Thanks.

ANSWER: She was an attraction that lifted you up like a helium balloon and, well, the happy helium wore out and you swooped down to reality. Many relationships start like that and reality returns soon enough. Be thankful you didn’t cause a pregnancy. Give her a goodbye kiss and find a new sweetheart. And next time, be more careful.

Wizard

February 3, 2008

Question: I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. This is the first relationship I've ever had. Throughout our time together we have always had stupid little fights. They were never even a big deal and we always got over it easily and moved on with no problems at all. But recently, the fights have been getting much worse. It seems it's all we ever really do anymore.

Also, another problem we have is that she doesn't like my family at all which always makes me nervous to have her around them. I don't see why she dislikes them. They have never done anything wrong to her or been rude. In fact, they have all been ridiculously nice to her. Yet she seems to think otherwise, saying things like "your sister gave me a dirty look" or "why is your family trying to keep you away from me", both of which are total ********. Also, whenever I defend them for something that they did wrong (which they really didn't, but she thinks so) she gets all mad and says I should agree with her if I really love her.

As a person she really is funny, imaginative, attractive (she's the most beautiful thing in the world to me, yet she doesn't believe me at all and thinks that she is hideous), fun to be around, and exciting. I really love her, but I just don't know what to do. I've been trying my hardest to make things better, but I don't think anything will work. I've thought a lot about dumping her, but that would crush her, and I just can't do that to her. I hope that you can give me suggestions on what I can do to improve things, or if I should dump her. I just don't know. Thank you for taking your time and concern in answering my question.

ANSWER: Your girlfriend’s reaction to your family and her jealousy of them (perceiving that they take you away from her), and your girlfriend’s readiness to disagree with your appreciation of her beauty, reveal an insecurity in her that is troubling to you, but nothing that an improving romance can’t cure.

Unfortunately, you may not have an improving romance if the arguments continue to increase in number and intensity.

Focus on the cause of the arguments. If the cause is her insecurity, give her more time with your family and with you. Remain supportive and loving. Tender care should improve your relationship and dissolve her insecurity. If the cause is something else, determine whether you have the ability and the energy to solve it. If you cannot solve the arguments, you will not likely remove her insecurity, and your romance will enter a tailspin.

Wizard

February 2, 2008

Question: hi, i am no longer attracted to my girlfriend and i wish to dump her. how should i do it, and when do i do it? it will be hard to get over it, so how do i get over it?

ANSWER: Remember some basic assumptions. She knows, even if she forgets or won’t admit it, that all dating relationships end, unless you are getting married. She knows you are not getting married. She knows most people only marry once or twice in a lifetime. So, clearly, it is not a strange or bizarre event when you dump her, and shouldn’t be a surprise. She might be disappointed, and you might encounter some trouble getting over it, but it is a common and routine event. Logically and statistically, a dump is a likely event.

When do you dump? Do it now. If you delay, you tend to mislead her into thinking you are still interested in dating her. If you are dating her for her good company, her good conversation, or just her looks, you are not dating her – you are socially engaging with her, that is all. Dating is a couple’s romantic search for a magical match that causes sparks to fly to and circle in (and sometimes fall from) the stratosphere, with ecstatic highs and depressive lows that no one can endure without the cozy confidence in the relationship that only lovers understand. If a couple is not in love, the highs and lows will destroy the relationship. If you are no longer attracted to her, don’t let her think you are still in search of that magical match. Dump her now.

How do you do it? Express yourself with care and respect for her. Even if you despise her, tell her that you are no longer romantically interested without disparaging remarks. Tell her, for instance, that she was fun, that she is attractive, or that she was worth the time and the effort. Find something you liked about her and express it. Do not tell her the things about her you didn’t like – it isn’t worth it because it will only hurt her. Any guy so nasty and small in brain to want to hurt his soon-to-be-dumped girl should be stripped of all rights to date. We don’t have dating police, so hopefully the girl can see the nasty side of the guy soon enough to avoid him altogether.

How do you get over it? Find another date is the best way. If you can’t, then enjoy the many other aspects of life that don’t change when you dump your date. When you feel like you miss her, think of the reasons why you were no longer attracted to her. Though you avoid telling her your reasons (if they are bad qualities about her) at the time of the dump, you are wise to remember those reasons. They will come in handy to dispel your emotional worry or loss. You can forget them, however, when you find a new romance.

Wizard