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July 31, 2007
Question: Okay. I have been dating the same girl for two years. We've had a lot of good times and (of course) a lot of bad ones. She has
always been very jealous and I think that is what I can't stand most about her. She said she'll work on it because I've told her how hard her
jealousy makes things. Two days ago, I took her to dinner spontaneously, just to do something special for her, and while we were talking, she
starts yelling in the restaurant, and slams the table because I was invited to a girl's graduation party. We got into an extremely large argument
and we haven't talked since. So, I guess I should toss in that I'm going to college in a week, which makes everything harder because I really
don't think I could deal with her personality while we are trying to live separate lives. It also puts a lot of strain on the relationship in
general, which is normal. I just needed someone's opinion because it's not exactly something you can ask anyone. What do you think I should do?
ANSWER: Her jealousy, if she has not figured out a way to eliminate that pestilent emotion, will beset you with worry after worry. Leaving
for college is a good time to dump her, especially after this latest public display of irrational ardour.
The wizard thinks a dump is in the making.
Wizard
July 31, 2007
Question: Seven years. Nice girl. Always been good to me. Helped each other deal with a lot of 'issues.' She is my first real girlfriend.
Living together. Find myself wanting more.
ANSWER: Sounded great through to the last, “Find myself wanting more.” Something is missing or you wouldn’t feel this way.
The bigger problem is to determine what is missing and whether it can be found or replaced with something just as good without dumping her.
You’ve invested some time in her and she’s got some good qualities. What a shame to throw it all away, if you could salvage something
worthwhile to eliminate your feeling of wanting more.
Are you able to articulate what is missing? If you are, you should know just what to do. Assuming you cannot articulate it or put your
finger on it, here is a Mission Impossible for you.
First what you should not do: Do not yet tell her you feel this way.
Okay, now on to what you do: You must be adventurous, willing to experiment, willing to explore, and willing and able to devote quiet
thinking time to your relationship. Start with a catalogue (in your mind is okay) of all the good things in your relationship. Don’t tamper
with any of them. That list is sacred and must remain untouched.
Now develop a small list of some dull or uninspiring things in your relationship. List only a few things. Make sure all things on this list
bother you or deaden your romantic spirit. If you can’t think of anything for this list, that is good and the mission is already
accomplished.
Now focus carefully on the first on the list. Quietly (without putting it into conversation with your girlfriend) think it over. Analyze why
it bothers you or deadens your romantic spirit.
Then, and be creative, attack it with something different, something that requires a change in your circumstances or in your behavior,
something that will impact upon this one thing. What is different can be anything, depending on what the first item on that list is, like a
change in clothes, a walk together where you’ve never been, a change in diet, a change in habits, a change in conversational tone or
content, a change in friends, a change in schedule. Be adventurous (meaning don’t be limited by convention, habit, ruts you’ve
created or fallen into, your feelings or beliefs, your family’s or friends’ feelings or beliefs, religious dogma, superstitions, or
any other institutional or formulaic answers to any problem), be willing to go explore places and things and actions that others dare not tread,
regardless of time and place. Experiment by observing the effects of the change on the thing you put on that small list. When you find an impact
has occurred, note it, and use it as a method to impact it in ways you find pleasing. This should spice things up some, if not a lot. Then go to
the second thing on the list and attack it the same way.
You will get the gist of this process soon enough. New vistas of thought and action should occupy your consciousness and inspire you to both
small and dramatic alterations in your life that will determine for you (because your perspective has expanded with a wider and clearer lens)
those things worth keeping in the relationship.
At that stage, should you get that far, you can bring it up in conversation with your girlfriend. She’ll either like it a lot and like
you a lot better or she will see you are no longer the person she thought you were and feel uncomfortable. That too will help you determine the
best course of action for you in the relationship.
There it is. By the way, you are not encouraged to commit crimes or violate your moral code as you make adventurous decisions when exploring
and experimenting. Good luck.
Wizard
July 31, 2007
Question: I’m going out with this girl who I like, but her friends are going around saying I fancy this other girl. My girlfriend is
saying it now and I’m not sure how or if to dump her. Can you help me?
ANSWER If you like your girlfriend, and if you do not fancy this other girl, tell your girlfriend that your friends, and she if she believes
them, are all wrong about who you fancy. Say, “I fancy you and only you and no one else!”
Has she seen you playing around with the other girl? If not, tell her just that: “Have you ever seen me playing around with
her?” She can’t say yes if it never happened. You need no more evidence than that.
If she is unable to listen to you over her tattling friends, then she does not have enough faith in you. Point that out to her. If that
doesn’t work either, she’s hopelessly and helplessly set on not believing you and should be dumped.
Wizard
July 29, 2007
Question: my girl has been really stupid right now and it’s kinda on and off. not the relationship – but like she’s
getting mad on and off. and sometimes i just feel like she’s seeing someone else, and i donno if i should dump her. can you tell me if
i’m making the good choice of not dumping her? and also sometimes she just like treats me like a dog which i bet no guy likes, and i ask
her to stop and she won’t. please help me.
ANSWER: No guy likes being treated like a dog. We train dogs to do our bidding at our command. You deserve more respect than that and she is
unfair to you if she doesn’t give you respect and show her admiration for you. If you aren’t satisfied in the relationship (and one
cannot imagine that you are if she treats you like a dog!), you should dump her.
Don’t dump her because you think but don’t know whether she is seeing someone else. She might be but she might not be. Dump her
because she treats you like a dog.
If she is just goofing you, tell her you don’t like it and see what changes she makes in her behavior. If she continues to refuse to
stop, she deserves a weekend in the dog pound so she’ll learn how dogs really behave.
Wizard
July 28, 2007
Question: “I know this is dump a girl, but I need advice and cant find it anywhere else . . . .” If this is you, go to www.dumpaguy.com for your answer dated July 28, 2007.
Wizard
July 26, 2007
Question: My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost six months. Because of some bad habits and a problematic ex, she is in a rehab
facility and isn't supposed to be seeing him. However, I have seen her with him several times and the last time she tried to hide so I wouldn't
see her. I love her a lot, but this whole thing is making me lose trust in her. What should I do?
ANSWER: She is trying to hide from you. That is one clear resounding bell telling you that your relationship is in serious trouble. She and
her ex continue to have ties unbroken. While she is in a rehab facility the process of permanently breaking those ties may be too far beyond your
ability. The problem is that she might want to break those ties but can’t. You have to decide whether you are strong enough and love her
enough to overlook the transgressions and have faith in her love for you. If she loves you and receives good therapy, she might get through this
successfully, and you could have a good thing going in the future. But the circumstances appear to require your forgiveness and strength to love
her in spite of her failings – knowing, or having faith, that she loves you and wants to overcome her difficulties.
Wizard
July 25, 2007
Question: Hello Wizard. My situation: I've dated this girl for 1 year now. In the one year I've done some bad things but she has been
relatively forgiving. However, she always brings it up every time we argue about anything. She relates anything to my past. I'm not that bad of a
guy, I think. The stuff I had done was nothing more than some online exchanges. However she later found out. Amongst my worst crimes was probably
liking her housemate, even though nothing eventuated. I still like her and very much respect and admire her for who she is. However, I'm really
sick of the arguments when she relates my past to anything and it’s hurtful for us both (I've tried talking to her about this issue, but
she said nothing she can do).
She is also my first serious girlfriend and being a virgin still I would like to lose it to someone special, and to me she is very special.
But there is another girl in some of my classes who captures my attention, and her smile makes my day. However I don't think she is my type. I'm
consumed by my thoughts as I can't work out what to do. I can't even decide whether I still love her as I did before. Also she is in my classes
so I've been putting any action off to avoid conflicts. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her.
ANSWER: Nothing in your narrative suggests you are a bad guy. Get the idea of any guilt out of your head.
If you had an addiction, or a habit of bad behavior, or a sullied reputation that you have not learned to improve upon, then she would be
justified in raising past behaviors when you repeat them. Otherwise, raising the past as you described it is indeed obnoxious and unjustifiable.
Her unhelpful and unfeeling response, “nothing she can do,” convinces that she deserves a dump.
However special she may be to you, she is not the one with whom you should lose your virginity, for Pete’s sake.
Simplify your life by dumping your girlfriend, stop worrying about “crimes” committed, and stop thinking about when and with
whom you will lose your virginity.
Date and date. Be happy and have fun. Play and experiment. See how truly different girls are from each other. See how personalities can
change on a whim’s notice. See how quickly fun and games can turn serious. Gain life experience here, there, and everywhere, then scan the
horizon for the right girl. After all the turns and ups and downs that live will throw at you, the experience will relieve anxieties and
you’ll make better choices
Wizard
July 25, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard,. I'm the guy from July 4, and I have to tell you, thanks again for the advice. I needed out, but I REALLY needed
somebody to tell me that one more time before I could find the guts in me to do anything about it. It was not easy, and there was some yelling
and crying involved, but i stuck with it and ultimately we parted on decent terms -- and for the first time ever, I managed to get right to the
point, saying just a minute or two into the conversation: "Hi, ____, I really think we need to break up." 3 weeks out I'm out with the
girls I want to be out with, and way out on the horizon there's maybe the person I'd want to be with next for real, but there's no rush. Life is
good, and everybody's in the situation they want to be in. So again, thanks for the support and the advice; I'm glad there's a site out there
like this, because sometimes people can't tell anyone closer to home.
ANSWER: The wizard thanks you for the positive feedback and is happy that you have found happiness. This site is designed to help people at
no financial cost. Simple as that. When success happens, well, it is nice to know about it.
Wizard
July 24, 2007
Question: me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly 2 years now and it’s been good. there have been lots of arguments between
us but we’ve always managed to pull through them. lately however, i’ve been feeling a bit confused about the relationship. there is
no trust between us any more and we are constantly at each other’s throats. she is also a bit of a flirt with other guys but she tells me
it’s harmless, so i believe her. i just don’t know what to do. should i dump her? please help me!!
ANSWER: If you are confused about the relationship, either decide that the relationship is not the kind of relationship you want to continue
with and dump her, or decide that you want to pull through this problem too and get started on some romantic efforts.
You have invested two years. Are you ready to give it up right now? If not, then revive your relationship with some special effort. Take her
out to a special event after you arrange delivery of a dozen long-stemmed roses (to arrive the same day or day before you leave for the event).
Buy her a day at a local spa. You can come up with other good ideas that will inform her (you won’t have to tell her) that you value her
relationship and that you are willing to put into it your best romantic effort. Give her attention, spend some time and money, and show a genuine
interest in making her feel wanted and loved. See what happens. She should start flirting with you, not other guys.
Wizard
July 23, 2007
Question: okay, i need to know if i should dump this girl. we live on either ends of San Francisco, so its a trek and a half to get up to
see her, and i only see her once every 3 weeks. any way, we have been going out for 6 months now and i have only . . . (edited out) . . . her
(and in my area we should have had sex by now). she has done nothing for me apart from kiss me. she never puts me first. In fact i had to beg to
go to her party and in the end i never got invited. Should i dump her?
ANSWER: If she did not invite you to her party, perhaps she is poised to dump you! Obviously you are not sexually compatible and
one must wonder whether there is much else. As said in the answer to the previous question from another guy, compatibility is the answer. If it
doesn’t exist or is uncomfortable, it is time to dump.
Wizard
July 23, 2007
Question: she’s an ok girlfriend but i always end up making plans and she never talks about making plans. I tell her not to smoke weed
and she says i’ll try and does it anyway. Sometimes she’s in a bitchy mood.
ANSWER: Compatibility is the issue. If you’re not compatible, dump her and move on to another girl with whom you are compatible.
Wizard
July 19, 2007
Question: I’m going with this girl and i don’t think she is the prettiest but she loves me so much and i like her, but i dont
really like her as much as she likes me. so i don’t know whether to dump her or not. Should i?
ANSWER: You don’t have to like her as much as she likes you to date her. Maybe she’ll grow on you and become the best companion
you’ve ever known. And maybe not. If you are not interested in dating, or if you are convinced the relationship will not get better, then
go ahead dump her. You could do her a favor by ending it before she gets hurt. If you lead her on, it will be harder to dump her later.
Wizard
July 19, 2007
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 3 months now. I've always known that she likes to shag, but it's become a bit of a
problem for me honestly. Yeah, I know she's with me now and I should trust her when she says that. But it's getting quite serious now, the
relationship that is. I'm sure EVERY guy wants a nympho for a girlfriend, but does a man want a nympho for a wife?
ANSWER: If a man is satisfied with that, he is as shallow as she. A woman’s life is much more than being a nympho, by the way.
In a hot and heavy sexual relationship, still there must be the benefit of mutual respect and caring for each other as thinking persons in
a sometimes cruel and dangerous world. A couple is a give-and-take relationship of love, protection, sharing of ideas and experiences, and
growing optimism about a future of mutual commitment on all levels.
Sometimes a guy wants only sex. Sometimes a woman wants only sex. (It is not a guy monopoly.) However, when one thinks about it, sex is
only a piece of a complex of physical feelings and emotions.
Wizard
July 12, 2007
Question: Wizard - I've been dating a girl for three months now, although throughout the relationship, we've been dating other people on
and off. During most of this time, neither of us had seriously dated another person, although we had always been fairly serious with each other.
After about two months, I proposed that we each begin to reduce the number of people who we were dating, with the intent that we could go
exclusive at the end of the process. Before we really got the chance to do this, I had to go out of town for work for a week. While I was away
for that week, she became somewhat more serious with one of the other guys that she was dating. Since I've been back (about three weeks now),
things just haven't been the same between us. Don't get me wrong, I'd still be happy to call her my girlfriend, but the other guy has been a
source of serious frustration and hurt. She has indicated that she probably isn't interested in him in a long term sense, but she's been spending
as much or more time with him than me. I do like her, and I absolutely don't want to do anything hurtful to her. Thanks. PS - I too am dating
other girls, but I have offered to let go of them if she'll let go of her other guys.
ANSWER: Your idea was a good one if she had agreed. When she doesn’t you can’t avoid feeling frustrated and hurt. If you keep
dating her, accept the fact that she is dating this other guy and may the better guy win! He will want you out of the picture as much as you want
him out of the picture. She will need to choose which one or dump both of you. The tension cannot continue forever. Remember that she must make
the choice, not him, and not you.
Wizard
July 10, 2007
Question: I don’t want to dump this chick. I don't have a choice. I don't want to live a lie, so what do I do to dump this chick.
I've been seeing her for a little while and i'm not so good at taking them.
ANSWER: Not enough information to be specific, but generally, tell her honestly that you can’t date her any more. Give her some
compliments. Don’t tell her what was wrong with her, if anything. Tell her what was right about her, but that you simply don’t have
enough interest.
It is easier when you’ve been seeing her only for a little while. And if you don’t want to live a lie, start with this,
“I must be honest with you. I can’t go on dating you. I think you are a fine woman and I like you a lot, but I have no
choice.”
Wizard
July 9, 2007
Question: I have been seeing this girl for the past 2 months. I knew from the start she was a single mom. She kept on asking me whether I
was cool with this fact, and I always told her I was. I enjoy her company. I love her and she does love me. We have discussed about commitment,
and I have stated to her clearly that I am not ready and she says its okay, we don't have to rush into anything.
I have talked to about 3 friends of mine about my girlfriend. All of them tell me I should leave the relationship because they say "I
deserve someone better." With advice from a friend who had come out of a bad relationship, I told her that we should keep 2 weeks apart and
rethink of our relationship without any communication whatsoever. She tried to communicate but I wouldn't reply with much text. She sent me a
message one week later that her life was in a mess and she thought we should just call it quits if I am not sure of myself. I broke the two weeks
pact to go and see her because she was crying on the phone.
We spoke about . . (missing text) . . . therefore it wouldn't be wise for us to be together yet there was a high chance it wouldn't lead
to commitment. We met at her place and I told her everything. She cried , but I stayed too long and we ended up making love.
I am confused because 1. I know my parents may not accept her into the family. I feel their blessing is important, given our family track
record. 2. I still love her, but she denied lying to me about her education. She said it was wrong for me to investigate her. I plan to present
to her documentary evidence of the lies she told me and break up with her.
The thing is, it's my friends who are giving me this perspective. They are trying their best to be objective, but I love her very much.
Should I dump her if I am not sure of the future of our relationship?
ANSWER: No. Why would you dump a woman you love?
Your friends advise you to dump her. You are unsure about your parents accepting her. She lied to you about her education. It is unclear
why your friends are against her and why your parents might not accept her. Also unclear is why you want to submit documentary evidence to her
about her education. This is muck. Pure muck.
Unless something in the missing text is hugely informative
– if you love her, that is all there is or should be.
Get out of the muck. Do something meaningful. Stop listening to the naysayers and follow your best instinct – love.
Wizard
July 8, 2007
Question: how should i break the news that i am going to dump her? should i tell her to her face, have one of my buds do it, or send a
note?
ANSWER: Do not have one of your buds do it. That is cowardly. If you respect her, you should tell her to her face.
When you do it, give her compliments. Do not tell her all that she did wrong, or what you thought was wrong with her, or what you did not
like about her. Tell her some of the good things you liked about her, but be clear that you do not want to be in a romantic relationship.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to date any more,” is enough.
You can send a note, but the eye-to-eye contact is better for you and for her.
If you dated only a short time, or you never got heavy into it, a note can work fine, or just stopping the communication will work. If the
two of you had gone so far into it that it is harder to break up, the direct eye-to-eye dump is better. It is also the braver thing to do because
it is that much harder to do.
If this is one of your first dates, one idea is to tell her to her face, even if other ways will work, to get practice. Although that
sounds insensitive and crude, most people must learn how and the best way to learn is practice. Why not tell her face-to-face now so
when it really counts, you’ll be better at it? Just be sure you really want to dump – because one of the stupidest things a guy can
do is practice dumping on a girl he wants to keep.
Wizard
July 6, 2007
Question: Wizard, I'm currently in a relationship with a woman that I've dated for over 3 years now. I fell in love with her during our
senior year, after she had recently broken up with one of my ex-friends after a four-year relationship. Ultimately, I asked her to go to the
formal with me and I was head-over-heels for her but I had to have a friend tell me she was kissing another guy. I was beyond crushed,
understandably. We didn't talk again for about 6 months when we randomly started talking again. She was three-thousand miles away at college.
This went on as kind of a i-like-you, i-don't-like you deal for about a year. I was finally fed up with this charade and dated another girl that
made me happy for three months. My girlfriend, now, coerced me into dating her again and so I dumped my ex.
Since then we've been dating for little over 3 years and they've mostly been unhappy but we've always felt a strong connection with each
other in some weird way. I don't know if it's out of desperation or what. Recently, she moved to LA and I've been away from her for about a year.
We have kept a long distance relationship through our relationship for about 1.5 years. She now wants me to move to LA with her but we bicker all
of the time. All of the time is underlined. I am (supposedly) the only person she has been sexual with, and numerous times have I suspected foul
play on her part. I'm very nervous to move out with her and start a life with her but she won't leave me alone, and honestly I won't leave her
alone. I'm very confused. I'm sure your infinite wisdom would assuage the confusion. Thank you.
ANSWER: If you, with confidence, can conclude that your future with her will be unhappy, you should not keep it going. It makes no sense
to keep a relationship, even if you feel some weird connection, in which you are unhappy. Dating is supposed to be fun and love is delirious. You
appear to have neither.
However, you cannot leave her alone, you remember well the head-over-heels feeling you had, and both of you over the years have maintained
contact. My goodness, something there may be valuable. What will you give up to go to LA? A career, an education, or family connections? Are you
on track for something valuable where you are, and will you lose it if you move? Assess the value of what you give up, and weigh that against the
value of going.
If you will lose nothing too valuable (but maybe time), think about moving on a trial basis. Tell her you will do it but that you will
leave if the relationship does not turn out to be fantastic. Tell her you cannot devote so much time and energy in an unhappy relationship
– nor even an okay relationship. Tell her you are looking for love, not companionship. Love, not a punching bag or lunch bag, not a
sleeping pillow or comforter, and not a meal ticket!
If she says yes to love and romance, and accepts your offer to move on a trial basis, and if you are not giving up anything too valuable,
join her. You might find that your connection with each other is much better than weird – a genuine connection that will bind you
meaningfully into a healthy and rewarding life venture. If not, by making the move tentative (on a trial basis), you will keep your options open
and move back (and terminate your connection to a losing proposition).
You’re on a thin tether to depend on so many “ifs.” Aye, keep the ground near. May each “if” turn true and
the tether grow to an unbreakable bond.
Wizard
July 4, 2007
Question: I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. She's very cool, beautiful, great sense of humor, and I have a lot of
respect for her. Soon it was love. A couple months into it I had to move 50 miles away for a job; for a while that was fine, as we'd see each
other on weekends. But as the months go by, I find that I never have any time to go meet new friends in my new town; I work so hard that weekends
are my only chance to go out. At the same time, when alone, I start noticing other girls, but I don't do anything about it. Eventually, though,
all that visiting and not having weekends of my own gets frustrating. And I start to miss not having to feel guilty about my somewhat flirtatious
manner with my female friends (that's just how we act). I really enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, but when we can't hang out for some
reason, I just feel relieved.
And then . . . wham. I hang out with this girl who very casually dates an acquaintance of mine, and things go really, shockingly well.
First, we're making jokes about things few people know about, then we turn out to think very alike, and somewhere in there I spend the night. And
the morning. And the next weekend (conveniently my girlfriend was not in town).
It's still a secret, but paradoxically I'm very honest with this new girl. I feel extremely guilty about this, but I let my cowardice get
the better of me. Suddenly I can't tell my girlfriend I love her without feeling like I'm lying. I've gotten distant, and she notices and is sad.
It's not just the guilt; it's like this incident showed me just how much I was missing.
Who knows what happens with this new person--we're both leery about committed relationships right now, because we both get into messes
like this sometimes, and she's gone for the rest of the summer anyway – but I'm more and more sure I need out of what I'm in right now.
Problem, I've been weak. I've told her there wasn't anything wrong, that it was just being in a weird place in my life with my hard job
and my lonely new town. I told her I'd work on being distant. I know that's all wrong but how do I stop this avalanche I kicked up? I still think
she's a fantastic person but the passion has died and I don't want to hurt her with any more lies. How do I cut my losses and be as little of a
jerk as I can from here on out?
ANSWER: You are not a jerk, nor a coward. You recognize the issues and you are trying to deal with them. That is wise and sensible. It is
also brave because it is difficult to deal with these issues and a coward would run away from it. Do not feel guilty. Nothing you have done or
thought deserves guilt.
Yes, you’ve been a little weak. You didn’t want to say to your girlfriend what it really is because you respect her so much
and you don’t want to hurt her. You stop the avalanche you’ve kicked up (nice phrasing!) by talking straight to your girlfriend.
Be honest about all the good things. Tell her how much you respect her, how much you admire her, and how great a friend and companion she
is. Then be honest about the only bad thing, that you don’t think the relationship can go on while you are apart at a distance. Tell her
you want to concentrate on life where you are and that you think she should be free to concentrate on her life where she is without you.
Do not tell her about the details of your new interesting girl. She might feel more hurt about that than the rest of it, and you
don’t need to inform her about your secret to tell her the relationship is over. Do not tell her you lost the passion – she can
gather that from the rest of it. If she asks the direct question, “Is there another girl?” you can say “No, no one has caught
my attention like you did, but I just can’t keep it going like it has been at this distance and with work.” That is true and she can
interpret it a number of ways, but you should not have to do any more work than that.
Good luck.
Wizard
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