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June 23, 2008
Question: Well my ex, who broke up with me over summer, called me days back and my friends advised me to stay away. So I called her one night and we talked about our regular lives. I was playing my guitar and she wanted to hear me play so I did. She sounded like she was sniffing her nose over the phone as I played. She said could you play OUR song over the phone and seconds later she said never mind. I don’t know if she wants me back or not? I really miss her and on her webpage she says she feels neglected. I don’t know if she’s talking about me or not, since we haven’t talked on the phone since we broke up. I really want this girl back, but I don’t know how she feels now or if she has feeling about me? Any help?
ANSWER: You want her back, so don’t listen to your friends unless they know something you don’t.
Call her again and say to her, “I hope you aren’t feeling neglected because of me.” Tell her you want her back.
She called you. During the call she asked you to play the guitar for her, and asked you to play “our” song. That means she still has fond feelings for you.
Your question says nothing about the circumstances of your break-up, so it is impossible to know about any extra particulars about your situation that would make getting together again difficult.
From the perspective of reading your question, the answer is easy. She feels fondly about you and you want her back. That means you should take the initiative and tell her you want her back.
Wizard
June 17, 2008
Question: Well, I've been going out with this girl for three months and even though it was that short I had the most wonderful time. She was a very good girlfriend. Thought the tables were turned the other day when she dumped me. I really gave my heart at the relationship. Basically, like I bought her a Pink Floyd CD since me and her listened to them while kissing. But anyway she calls me and tells me that we need to talk after I got back from a 2 day trip to Michigan. She says its summer time and it won’t be like it was in school. It’s funny because 11 days ago exactly she looked into my eyes and told me she was in love with me. I also talked to her friend a day before and she told me I was her life. But here I am, dumped. I don’t know what to think. Did she break up with me for someone else? (She is going away for quite a while.) Or is she just tired of me?
ANSWER: We can’t know unless she tells you, or unless you know some other details, and it seems you don’t. You did not do anything wrong – in fact, you were surely a great boyfriend.
For a guy who cares for a girl, gives her a good time, treats her well, loves her, and is told she loves him, and her friend says so, and all is going so well, to be let down so swiftly and without warning, it is nonsensical. No rhyme, no meaning.
Most guys, by the time they’ve been dating for, say, ten years, have had this happen to them at least once. Some several times. Some not at all. Surely, though, a lot of guys reading this will identify with you.
Maybe she was tired of you, but the wizard doesn’t think that is it. More likely, she was unsure and wanted out of the relationship before it got too heavy, and she didn’t share with you her misgivings. She surely likes you a lot, but it wasn’t love. While you were in the dark thinking of roses, she was examining her feelings in fluorescent light and saw thorns. She wasn’t pricked by them. She just didn’t want to go near them.
The wizard thinks she got shooed away because she didn’t want the deeper relationship that you were getting into. She got in too deep and wanted out.
You must move on and find another girl, one who might do the same, but most girls are willing to be more forthcoming with their real feelings. Don’t let this bad experience deter you from dating, that much is for sure.
Also, your girlfriend at the time of the dump was honest and direct, and deserves credit for that. She could have played you along, misleading you into believing she loved you all summer. You would have grown deeper in love, felt even worse at the end of summer when she dumps you, and would remember this summer for the rest of your life as one of your worst summers.
At least now you can turn this summer into something more rewarding.
Wizard
June 13, 2008
A glitch occurred in the programing. If you sent a question for the wizard's advice between June 4 and June 13, you received an error message and nothing arrived at the wizard's desk. Therefore, no questions arrived and no answers could be given by the wizard between these dates.
We apologize for any inconvenience. The problem is now fixed and your questions can now be processed successfully.
June 4, 2008
Question: Hey . . . so this girl and me have had an awkward past. We went out for 6 months. Everything was perfect and then she dumps me because she said her thoughts had changed. 2 months later she came back to me saying she missed me. I accepted but now, 2 months later, I suspect her of cheating. I don't have any proof but she always is texting a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. I read her texts and she even said "too bad I’m not single." I was pissed but I didn't say anything. I want to dump her. If she tries to get me back, then indeed she didn't cheat, right? Is it a good idea or just stupid?
ANSWER: If you want your relationship to last, don’t dump her as a means to determine whether she has cheated. She might decide to stay dumped for reasons other than another guy. Also, if the other guy is number two, and she has faithfully considered you as number one, after you dump her she’ll simply go to number two, who becomes number one. That will not be evidence that she cheated – it will be evidence that you made a dumb move.
Wizard
June 2, 2008
Question: I am 33, and my girlfriend is 27. I've been with her for almost 2 years. We were really good platonic friends for about 5 years before we started dating. Definitely one of the best friends I've ever had. However, we have argued a lot while dating, a whole lot. She doesn't trust me, and I feel like she interrogates me constantly. She has sifted through my text messages on my phone before to try and find something unacceptable to her. I am not as outgoing as I once was, and I am often afraid to converse with females in the same friendly manner that I talk to men in. She complains constantly - it's always someone's fault that she's not happy - never her fault. She gets too drunk. We are both really into music, and I've had to babysit her at concerts before because she is so drunk she can't stand. She has NEVER taken an entire month off from drinking since I've known her. She doesn't give me much autonomy either. I've always been somewhat of a loner, but she always wants me to be around. I don't see my friends hardly at all unless I'm with her. She doesn't like me going places without her, and gets hurt if I ever say I want to do something without her. We live together - I am the financial backbone - sometimes she can't pay her rent on time so I cover it. She's pretty irresponsible with money. Before we started dating, she had no career goals, no aspirations for anything other than being a party girl. She has turned that around, and has certainly made some positive strides in her career and life in general.
She is very loving. She is 100% faithful and I never worry about her fooling around. She is beautiful and really does have a heart of gold. I will always love her, but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. It has been several months that I've felt like this. I have found myself wishing I was single, and being genuinely excited about moving onto a new life adventure. I still don't buy it. Should I give it some more time, and how much more? Is it normal to fall out of love with someone but fall back in love? Is it likely that if we breakup, we will maintain what has been a wonderful friendship?
ANSWER: You must reach into yourself and test your love. It is possible to revive your love for each other if both of you want to revive it. Your question demonstrates a withering love – a tiring spirit. You care for her and want the best for her, but love requires more than that, and it appears you are not ready to give more.
You have given this relationship enough time. If you feel that you still love her and want to revive the relationship, you should give it even more time. If you have concluded in your heart and mind that the romance is gone, then it is time to take a break from it.
Usually when a couple falls out of love they do not climb back into it. However, some do. Obviously, the likelihood that you and your girlfriend will “take a break” from the relationship and get back together again, falling back into love, depends on facts and circumstances in your personalities and lives that cannot be written in so short a space of time and writing as this site allows. It can happen, and for you it can happen, but the wizard cannot on the facts and circumstances you disclose here tell you what will happen.
Where there is a will there is a way. If both of you agree to take a break, and agree to work toward re-building whatever romance has been lost, you can do it. You both must want it to get it.
After breaking up, maintaining a good friendship will depend a lot on how she feels about the breakup. If she understands and agrees with the reason for the break up, and harbors good feelings about you after the breakup, she might remain a good friend. If she feels jilted or cheated, she is not likely afterward to remain friendly.
Usually (and remember that averages mean nothing to those who are exceptions) a long-term romance ends in someone being hurt in some manner. Most often the memory of romance and the sense of loss are too heavy for the couple to remain close after a break-up, even when they still like each other. One of the two, if not both, will want to stay away from the other and get on with a new relationship, and that means terminating the closeness altogether.
Wizard
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