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November 28, 2008
Question: Should I continue this energy absorbing relationship?
I'm having this problem for a couple of months now.
My girlfriend and I love each other very much. We live together (she moved in with me) and the first year of our relationship was very pleasing. We had a lot of fun and really supported each other.
Since 4 to 6 months however, things are less great. We've found out that we are complete opposites of each other. We both want different things in a relationship and we both have vastly different needs. We think completely differently. I guess these things drifted to the surface when the clouds of having a total crush slowly vanished. We fight all the time and we both have to plant our foot down on the ground to be able to just be ourselves.
My girlfriend is 5 years younger than me (21) and this is her first serious relationship. She is desperately trying to find out who she is and what she wants in life. She has a really low self esteem. I have done my very best to improve this image she has of herself and make her see how great and beautiful she is, but without much luck so far. She's just really unhappy with herself. Also, she is extremely vulnerable and clinches on to me. When I said that after a series of fights and mutual misconceptions I needed some air and some time on myself (I proposed 2 weeks), she panicked and, after a couple of days, literally begged me to end this, what in her eyes was a punishment. It really broke my heart. I had no other choice. I was out of energy to deal with this relationship, at least at that moment.
I, in contradiction to her, have been in several relationships already and I know what I want and don't want, both in life and in a relationship (well at least I thought I did). But her struggling, and my daily fight against the things I already fought against myself during my own process of becoming an adult, drain me.
Now, after I had 1 week to get some air (I cracked for her sorrow and her feeling abandoned by me. I felt guilty because during this time she had to leave and sleep with friends, because although I offered her our apartment for the whole time I needed to be on myself, she couldn't be in our apartment because it hurt her too much since eventually it's still my apartment, which I bought a couple of years ago), I'm really having conflicting thoughts about whether I should continue this relationship or not. My heart says I love her and want to be with her and guide her in her road to becoming more secure and learn to love herself, but my mind says that we're just too different and we will never be able to make each other happy. My mind says she first needs to learn how to stand on her own, and that she has to do this herself. But I don't want to abandon her. It just costs so much energy.
I really don't know what to do. I have been fretting about this for months now. Aarrgh, this is terrible. I really don't want to lose her, but this relationship is taking too much toll from both of us. When I end the relationship however, I'll lose her, because she wouldn't want (actually she says she couldn’t) to have any more contact.
You know, I really care about her, A LOT. I like spending time with her. But I'm not sure if I can continue having a sexual relationship with her. I'm afraid I love her more like a sister, instead of like a lover. I'm just not attracted to her in that way anymore. At least I think.. That's wrong, right?
Should I give this relationship a new chance, although, while loving her deeply, I believe that we just can't make each other happy?? Or do I keep her on a leash in that case? I'm really open towards her about my feelings and my doubts. It just seems that she is willing to pay every possible price to stay with me, even if that means she has to change by heart and change her principles just to be able to meet my needs. But I would never want to change a person or make that they can't be themselves. I just want her to be happy. And want myself to be happy as well. I'm willing to give it a new try, but I'm not sure that's the best thing to do.
What do you think????
ANSWER: This is her first serious relationship. Many of us have to get through at least one serious relationship before we’ve got it all figured out, and even then we might still be unsure about all kinds of things. The five year difference in age probably, in your case, represents a big difference in your experiences in dating and maturing. She clings because she is insecure about herself and her future. You are a good prospect for her to find and keep security, if not love.
However, as you have said, a sister relationship is not satisfying. You want love and you are entitled to treat yourself well by insisting on finding love. Be true and faithful to yourself. Do not commit to a relationship that falls short.
When a couple lives together, and the relationship lasts as long as yours has, parting is difficult. You respect her and want to help her through the difficulty of a break-up. She is probably right about not wanting contact afterward.
The time apart during which you “got some air” was useful for you to get a better perspective. If, after that time, you are still unsure about your ability to be happy, and still find that the relationship and all the work to keep it together is a drain on your energy, you should end it. You will be better off and she will be better off too. The problem whittles down to one simple conclusion: Both of you need to find someone more compatible.
Wiz
November 16, 2008
Question: I had been going out with a girl for 6 months and started having doubts about her. She’s a really nice person, but we are both two totally different people. After we had been going out for about 3 months, she started trusting me more, and so when she had problems she would tell me and I would help her. But the last few months, she has been really up-tight. She just can’t seem to have fun. At parties I’m always up for dancing, etc., but she will sit out, and won’t come to see me. She might be embarrassed by me, but I don’t see how. She’s an only child and really attached to her parents, so she doesn’t want to do anything to upset them. We were at a party the other day when my best friend had some beers and got tipsy. My girlfriend made a point of saying how stupid she thinks he is for drinking, and had a go at him. I broke up with her a few days ago because I was having serious doubts and was so confused about what to do. I now don’t know if I’ve done the right thing, and I am not sure if I’m regretting it. Please help me.
ANSWER: Of course you are regretting it. That is why you are wondering if you’ve done the right thing. Even so, having figured that out, you still have the lingering problem of serious doubts. You must figure out what causes the doubts, if you are to go back to her. You’ve been dating for six months and doubts have only just begun. Usually, if doubts begin after six months of dating, the doubts are indeed serious and need resolution. If you know the cause, you can make the cause a subject of conversation with her. You cannot usually make conversation about such things with a girl you have not dated long. But here you can, and you should.
If you cannot figure out the cause of your doubts and resolve them while keeping her as your date, you must conclude that dumping her is the best way to resolve your doubts. Often, doubts arise after a lengthy dating period about whether the girl is the right fit and you can’t put your finger on the exact cause of the doubt. The only resolution for such doubt is to dump her and move on to another girl.
Watch out, however. On some occasions the guy dates another girl and suddenly realizes what a dufus he was to dump the last girl. At that point all hope of reviving the old relationship might be lost. The only answer to that is be sure the doubts are serious and that you couldn’t resolve them with your date before you dump her.
Now that you have already dumped her, think hard about those doubts. If you are now doubting your doubts, well, you’d better give her a call right away to test how real they were.
Wizard
November 15, 2008
Question: My girlfriend seemed happy when we first started going out, and she really, really liked me. But lately, she's been acting a little strange. I don't know what to do. Should I dump her or not?
ANSWER: Usually when the girl’s behavior changes dramatically after being really interested in you, she is no longer really interested. It could be other things, though. If you want to know for sure, and won’t feel too rejected if she disappoints you, ask her if she still wants to date with you. If she says yes, ask her about what is bothering her. Maybe you can help, or at least empathize with her. If she says no, leave it at that. Don’t explore it any further. Consider yourself dumped and be a real guy, which means you respect her decision and move on to someone else who wants to date you.
If you don’t have the stomach to ask her, just carry on without her for a while. If she still wants to date, she’ll ask you what’s wrong. This method is less reliable because she might feel you’ve lost interest. If that happens, both of you will think the other has lost interest and the relationship will crumble for no good reason.
Your best bet is to approach her and ask.
Wizard
November 11, 2008
Question: Hello WIZ!! I’m 19 years old and I started dating a girl that is 23 and I have had a crush on her as long as I can remember. I tell her I love her but I am unsure. It’s been 6 months now and my problem is that I’m going to college about 45 min away from her. Part of me wants to make it work, but the other part wants me to live it up at college and be free. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
ANSWER: You’ve got to live it up at college. That’s part of what college is about. Don’t deny yourself a “broad” education because of a woman four years older than you.
If you were sure about being in love with her, you would not be wondering and you would not ask this question. You are dubious enough about your future with her to think about your future without her in college. Under these circumstances, that’s enough to break loose. She’ll be fine and you’ve got a world of experience ahead of you.
Be free and see what happens.
Wizard
November 8, 2008
Question: Well I am in high school and naturally I decide to get into a relationship. Bad move. In the beginning it was fun, exciting, and we generally laughed. However now it is the complete opposite.
The girl in question expects me to call her at least once every night and visit her every day. Even when I talk to other girls she gets jealous and offended. I want to call it off. In order to make her happy, I can’t talk to or hang out with my friends. What should I do, and if I do dump her, how should I go about it?
ANSWER: A girl can’t keep a guy she smothers. Like a burning flame, the guy needs fuel. Usually the girl’s company is enough to fuel the relationship. But, like a flame, the guy also needs to breathe. Fortunately, if you dump her, she might get the message that she smothered you.
Tell her you feel smothered. Tell her you’d like to see her maybe twice a week and talk to her on the phone about three times a week. Tell her you want to spend time with friends and you can’t be punished for talking sometimes to girls. If she can see that she is smothering you, maybe she’ll back off a little. If not, tell her you want to be freer and not tied into a relationship. She’ll understand, if you have followed this advice.
Don’t let this discourage you from getting into another relationship.
Wiz
November 8, 2008
Question: Is it wrong to dump a girl because she's republican? I'm very liberal, but not a fanatic. Politics matter a lot to me, as well as taking a stance on the things that affect our world.
I was dating a girl in San Diego for a while, and thought she was awesome. Then I realized she was republican, which was contradictory to everything else I knew about her. I had to move north anyway for school, so we parted ways, allowing me to avoid telling her I would have broken up with her because she was republican.
Fast-forward a couple months and now I've been seeing a girl for a few weeks. And what could be the case? Another republican.
I am not a hateful person, and I don't think less of her – but I want to be on the same page as the one I'm with. It's not the fact that they're "republican" that's the deal breaker. It's the conservative stance they take on issues that matter. (Abortion, gay marriage, stem cell research, war, etc.) I really care about, and am really involved with politics. Any thoughts?
ANSWER: You need compatibility, which is more than finding agreement on points of view. Indeed, the ability to disagree is a good sign of compatibility.
Many dating couples disagree on issues that are the subject of political debate. It is not true that a disagreement on conservative/liberal principles must ruin a relationship. Some of the most ardent supporters of Hillary Clinton are married to arch conservatives.
It is true, however, that many couples find it difficult when they disagree on some issues, like abortion, war, stem cell research, religion and faith, taxes, and endorsement of political parties. You are not alone in your concerns.
Do not give up on a girl because she is republican. If she has views different from yours, see how easily the two of you can get along while you disagree. You might find the discussion is more entertaining than frustrating. Here is a hint. When you find yourself disagreeing on an important issue, interrupt the discussion to point out how much you like the way she looks, or thinks, or . . . winks. Use that as a reminder for both of you that the difference in your perspectives is less important than the positive feelings you have for each other.
Wiz
November 6, 2008
Question: I messed up and let the chick move in. It started a year ago. She needed a job, so I hired her to work at my business (of course to gain leverage for the sex). We ended up dating and she had to move out of her apartment that her family paid for and was going to have to move back to Cleveland. I felt bad and let her and her baby move in. Since then, I’ve gone through issues with her baby’s dad, like threats and fights with him, calling the cops, etc. She’s not much of a domestic, but she is now learning to cook, though it’s nasty. I’m tired of her hard head ass son. I’m tired of her not thinking. Our communication sucks. She never listens to me when I try to prevent her from mistakes. Then when it goes wrong she expects me to fix it. She is not independent and very needy. She thinks she can fix all my woes with sex. But I need understanding, a team mate! I talk to her all the time and show her what’s wrong, but she does nothing about it. Though she says she is trying, after a year I feel we are beyond trying. It’s time to do! And to top it off, she doesn’t help me financially. I pay for all the same things I paid for before when I was single. But now I have to also pay for some of her stuff on top of feeding two extra people. And the crying baby ****, that takes the cake! I've been praying about this. Now I want to see what you have to say!
ANSWER: You messed up. Agreed.
You asked for all you got. You brought her into your business and your residence. All you wanted was sex. Naturally, she thinks that’s the answer to your problems.
Reality check: Sex is not the answer to most problems. Life requires much more than that from all of us. Here is your solution: Fix what you messed up. Pay her a fair wage. Stop the sex with her. Help her find another place to live. Be nice to her and patient with her while she finds another place. Find yourself a date (not the girl you took in) who does not work at your business. Establish a good relationship, and then consider (not decide yet) moving in together, but only after you both know each other enough to be happy with each other while living together.
Hence the baby's father disappears. The baby is gone. The nasty cooking is gone. Your frustration is gone. And, finally, she can live independently and be responsible to her baby and herself without your assistance. And you will have a new and better team mate.
Wiz
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