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September 30, 2006
Question: I hooked up with a girl the other night, and now she is completely attached to me. I really didn't want her to be a girlfriend of mine in the first place, but when she made a move, I took it. We didn't do anything more than kiss, but she was very, very into me, and really wants to continue seeing me. I on the other hand, do not want to continue seeing her, but do not know how to tell her. I couldn't leave her house because she wanted to be with me so much (I realized I should not have taken her move and wanted to get out) so I told her I had a curfew and then left. I also told her that I was afraid of being with her because I hardly knew her, and she said that we could make time to get to know each other. I really need to find a way to detach her from me without completely hurting her feelings, and hopefully remaining friends.
ANSWER: Stay cool and aloof. Be nice, smile when you see her, but tell her you are not ready for a steady relationship.
Cool and aloof are the words to keep firm in your head – and she’ll get the message and it shouldn’t get nasty or hurtful. If you’re cool and aloof, you won’t take any more of her moves.
Wizard
September 27, 2006
Question: Ive been with my gf for 2 years now. She’s 18 and it’s a very smothering relationship. Usually its one day a week when i dont see her. i see her every other day. i would like to stay with her but i want to know how to get more freedom out of this relationship without hurting her. a lot of girl-friends i have seem to think you cant just change a relationship. now shes got used to seeing me so often, this sounds stupid to me, but is it possible to make a girl more open to time apart, or is a dump needed.
ANSWER: It is common and sometimes a good idea to get some space into a relationship. It gives time to reflect and see more clearly, at a distance so-to-speak, how the relationship is working out and what one can do to get it going again, or to decide it is not worth it any more.
Some dates, when asked for some space, think it is a death knell to the relationship. They get upset and are ready for a dump – either you dumping her or she dumping you.
The answer is that a dump should not be needed. But if she doesn’t understand and takes it the wrong way, a dump may be in your near future.
Wizard
September 15, 2006
Question: its been 3 months
shes too insecure/jealous
she tries to correct it, and it helps but her problem never fully goes away.
She’s sweet and very sensitive, but I am terrified to hurt her. I have done so much investment if you know what i mean too, which is what holds me on to her.
yes or no.
ANSWER: If you are ready to dump her, the answer is yes. The question cannot be: “Is she ready to be dumped?” If she is too insecure and sensitive to be dumped after three months, you had better do it now before it gets to be six months, or more, as she will be even worse then.
As difficult as it may be, don’t mislead her into thinking the relationship can be “corrected” or “fixed” to keep you together – unless that is actually true. It will disappoint her even more to lead her into thinking she can make things better and then get dumped again.
Wizard
September 7, 2006
Question: i have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year. It's a long distance relationship of 80 miles but i always make an effort to see her.
Trouble is there is no trust between us. She is 16 and had an ex that when we took a break for a week a few months back she slept with. she also dated another guy. since we have been together she has constantly flirted with other guys on MSN which i told her i totally dislike. She lied and said she stopped but several times i found her out. Everything was fine for 2 months but now i found she has tried to contact her ex again on MSN despite promising me she had changed. She says she loves me and i believe her. she knows i find it hard to trust and a few months ago she went to Broadstairs and came back after meeting 2 guys and one of them sent her naked photos and they were chatting on MSN. She assured me all that is in the past and she had changed and now this. should i give her another chance or will i never be able to trust her again? Please help. i love her and would be lost without her but am i just better off out of it?
ANSWER: At her age she is on a wayward course. You can keep trying, and kudos to you for trying, but the odds stand heavily against you.
A sixteen year old is not ready and will not be ready in a long time for a big commitment. If that is your goal, the likelihood of your finding disappointment is high.
Wizard
September 6, 2006
Question: I have been with this girl for almost a year but i feel like i need to see other girls. but i still like more then a best friend.
ANSWER: It is natural to have an interest in girls – and indeed to think about relationships with other girls while you date a girl. The thought, and the interest, in dating other girls alone is not enough to terminate your existing dating relationship if the girl you are with is still so special that the other girls will not be as good.
Be careful about your male “inclinations” to date every girl on the planet that looks great and in your imagination is great. You could be vastly disappointed if you dump a wonderful girl, date fifty more all ending badly, and then realize that the first girl you dated was one hell of a great young lady and better than all of them.
See the advice on September 2 below and then temper that with this nugget.
Wizard
September 6, 2006
Question: my girlfriend lives far away. i like her a lot but i never see her. she emails and i keep answering them but i can't figure out a way to dump her without coming out looking like a jerk. what do i do?
ANSWER: Why do you come looking like a jerk? Do you mean you can’t find a good reason? Your wish to end the relationship is one. The distance is another. Isn’t that enough if that is how you feel?
You are a jerk if she says she loves you in her emails and you answer by saying you love her. If that is not happening, you’re fine.
Wizard
September 2, 2006
Question: I have been dating a girl for over a year now, but i am finding myself interested in other girls. What should i do?\
ANSWER: When the interest in other girls overcomes your interest in your date, the time for a dump has surely arisen.
Wizard
[September 6 amendment: Hey, take a look at advice above on September 6. If your girl is special, don’t be too quick to dump. When the wizard says “overcomes your interest in your date” that means “when your date is no longer special enough for you to want to have a dating relationship with her any more.” Wizard.]
September 2, 2006
Question: this girl, we've had sex and she is in love with me, but i do not love her. she's fine. fairly pretty, funny, fine personality. we don't have a lot in common. what should i do?
ANSWER: You don’t need to have everything in common for a good dating relationship. But if you don’t want to date her anymore, then you obviously should dump her.
One note on sex. Having sex and then dumping the girl is generally speaking bad karma. Most girls (though there are exceptions) expect more attention and indeed more commitment from a guy with whom they have had sex, and the guy should be ready and willing to provide it. Usually a guy who has sex with a girl is knowingly growing roots deeper into the soil of the relationship and should know that extracting himself from the relationship might be more difficult after he has grown those roots.
A rational guy who dates wants to do some calculation in his mind about how difficult the dump will be later as he “grows his roots” into the relationship – that among all the other complications that sex entails.
Wizard
September 1, 2006
Question: i need to know if i should dump my girlfriend. i have never dumped a girl in my life. i have been dating her since june 30, 2005. we argue almost everyday. i want to be a teen, she wants to be an adult. she wants me to grow up when she won’t grow down and we're the same age. she keeps sayin’ she'd die without me, and if i want to take a one day break she cries the whole time so i call it off. i'm always gonna love her and everything. i just want to know how to break up with her without hurtin’ her. plz help.
ANSWER: A popular song from years ago says, “Breaking up is hard to do.” This is certainly a true statement of fact.
You have a life to live, so live it. It is crucial that you learn to dump. Most of what needs to be learned is the willingness and the gumption to do it.
Sometimes the dump can be so painful you know she will cry. There’s nothing worse than seeing a girl cry and knowing that you caused it!
Back up and see what’s really happening. You didn’t cause it. It is a part of the dating process. Everyone who dates – dumps. And everyone dates, unless married or psychopathically stunted. Going steady is still going steady “on a date.”
So, you’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year. Based on the facts you’ve given, a dump is surely in order. Now you need to make that decision (which is the correct one) and then execute. Do it. You didn’t cause the situation, and your girlfriend must learn that getting dumped is not the end of the world, just the relationship.
One day a girl will dump you. When that happens, you will remember this advice and know that the girl just wants to move on to someone else, now or later, and it is time for you to do the same. That is the dating world.
Anyway, how do you dump without hurting her? That may be impossible, though you can do your best to avoid hurting her feelings by trying to be gentle, sensitive, understanding, and polite. Everybody is different. So telling you anything specific that would help you with this girl is not possible. Good luck.
Wizard
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