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June 23, 2008
Question: Well my ex, who broke up with me over summer, called me days back and my friends advised me to stay away. So I called her one night and we talked about our regular lives. I was playing my guitar and she wanted to hear me play so I did. She sounded like she was sniffing her nose over the phone as I played. She said could you play OUR song over the phone and seconds later she said never mind. I don’t know if she wants me back or not? I really miss her and on her webpage she says she feels neglected. I don’t know if she’s talking about me or not, since we haven’t talked on the phone since we broke up. I really want this girl back, but I don’t know how she feels now or if she has feeling about me? Any help?
ANSWER: You want her back, so don’t listen to your friends unless they know something you don’t.
Call her again and say to her, “I hope you aren’t feeling neglected because of me.” Tell her you want her back.
She called you. During the call she asked you to play the guitar for her, and asked you to play “our” song. That means she still has fond feelings for you.
Your question says nothing about the circumstances of your break-up, so it is impossible to know about any extra particulars about your situation that would make getting together again difficult.
From the perspective of reading your question, the answer is easy. She feels fondly about you and you want her back. That means you should take the initiative and tell her you want her back.
Wizard
June 17, 2008
Question: Well, I've been going out with this girl for three months and even though it was that short I had the most wonderful time. She was a very good girlfriend. Thought the tables were turned the other day when she dumped me. I really gave my heart at the relationship. Basically, like I bought her a Pink Floyd CD since me and her listened to them while kissing. But anyway she calls me and tells me that we need to talk after I got back from a 2 day trip to Michigan. She says its summer time and it won’t be like it was in school. It’s funny because 11 days ago exactly she looked into my eyes and told me she was in love with me. I also talked to her friend a day before and she told me I was her life. But here I am, dumped. I don’t know what to think. Did she break up with me for someone else? (She is going away for quite a while.) Or is she just tired of me?
ANSWER: We can’t know unless she tells you, or unless you know some other details, and it seems you don’t. You did not do anything wrong – in fact, you were surely a great boyfriend.
For a guy who cares for a girl, gives her a good time, treats her well, loves her, and is told she loves him, and her friend says so, and all is going so well, to be let down so swiftly and without warning, it is nonsensical. No rhyme, no meaning.
Most guys, by the time they’ve been dating for, say, ten years, have had this happen to them at least once. Some several times. Some not at all. Surely, though, a lot of guys reading this will identify with you.
Maybe she was tired of you, but the wizard doesn’t think that is it. More likely, she was unsure and wanted out of the relationship before it got too heavy, and she didn’t share with you her misgivings. She surely likes you a lot, but it wasn’t love. While you were in the dark thinking of roses, she was examining her feelings in fluorescent light and saw thorns. She wasn’t pricked by them. She just didn’t want to go near them.
The wizard thinks she got shooed away because she didn’t want the deeper relationship that you were getting into. She got in too deep and wanted out.
You must move on and find another girl, one who might do the same, but most girls are willing to be more forthcoming with their real feelings. Don’t let this bad experience deter you from dating, that much is for sure.
Also, your girlfriend at the time of the dump was honest and direct, and deserves credit for that. She could have played you along, misleading you into believing she loved you all summer. You would have grown deeper in love, felt even worse at the end of summer when she dumps you, and would remember this summer for the rest of your life as one of your worst summers.
At least now you can turn this summer into something more rewarding.
Wizard
June 13, 2008
A glitch occurred in the programing. If you sent a question for the wizard's advice between June 4 and June 13, you received an error message and nothing arrived at the wizard's desk. Therefore, no questions arrived and no answers could be given by the wizard between these dates.
We apologize for any inconvenience. The problem is now fixed and your questions can now be processed successfully.
June 4, 2008
Question: Hey . . . so this girl and me have had an awkward past. We went out for 6 months. Everything was perfect and then she dumps me because she said her thoughts had changed. 2 months later she came back to me saying she missed me. I accepted but now, 2 months later, I suspect her of cheating. I don't have any proof but she always is texting a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. I read her texts and she even said "too bad I’m not single." I was pissed but I didn't say anything. I want to dump her. If she tries to get me back, then indeed she didn't cheat, right? Is it a good idea or just stupid?
ANSWER: If you want your relationship to last, don’t dump her as a means to determine whether she has cheated. She might decide to stay dumped for reasons other than another guy. Also, if the other guy is number two, and she has faithfully considered you as number one, after you dump her she’ll simply go to number two, who becomes number one. That will not be evidence that she cheated – it will be evidence that you made a dumb move.
Wizard
June 2, 2008
Question: I am 33, and my girlfriend is 27. I've been with her for almost 2 years. We were really good platonic friends for about 5 years before we started dating. Definitely one of the best friends I've ever had. However, we have argued a lot while dating, a whole lot. She doesn't trust me, and I feel like she interrogates me constantly. She has sifted through my text messages on my phone before to try and find something unacceptable to her. I am not as outgoing as I once was, and I am often afraid to converse with females in the same friendly manner that I talk to men in. She complains constantly - it's always someone's fault that she's not happy - never her fault. She gets too drunk. We are both really into music, and I've had to babysit her at concerts before because she is so drunk she can't stand. She has NEVER taken an entire month off from drinking since I've known her. She doesn't give me much autonomy either. I've always been somewhat of a loner, but she always wants me to be around. I don't see my friends hardly at all unless I'm with her. She doesn't like me going places without her, and gets hurt if I ever say I want to do something without her. We live together - I am the financial backbone - sometimes she can't pay her rent on time so I cover it. She's pretty irresponsible with money. Before we started dating, she had no career goals, no aspirations for anything other than being a party girl. She has turned that around, and has certainly made some positive strides in her career and life in general.
She is very loving. She is 100% faithful and I never worry about her fooling around. She is beautiful and really does have a heart of gold. I will always love her, but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. It has been several months that I've felt like this. I have found myself wishing I was single, and being genuinely excited about moving onto a new life adventure. I still don't buy it. Should I give it some more time, and how much more? Is it normal to fall out of love with someone but fall back in love? Is it likely that if we breakup, we will maintain what has been a wonderful friendship?
ANSWER: You must reach into yourself and test your love. It is possible to revive your love for each other if both of you want to revive it. Your question demonstrates a withering love – a tiring spirit. You care for her and want the best for her, but love requires more than that, and it appears you are not ready to give more.
You have given this relationship enough time. If you feel that you still love her and want to revive the relationship, you should give it even more time. If you have concluded in your heart and mind that the romance is gone, then it is time to take a break from it.
Usually when a couple falls out of love they do not climb back into it. However, some do. Obviously, the likelihood that you and your girlfriend will “take a break” from the relationship and get back together again, falling back into love, depends on facts and circumstances in your personalities and lives that cannot be written in so short a space of time and writing as this site allows. It can happen, and for you it can happen, but the wizard cannot on the facts and circumstances you disclose here tell you what will happen.
Where there is a will there is a way. If both of you agree to take a break, and agree to work toward re-building whatever romance has been lost, you can do it. You both must want it to get it.
After breaking up, maintaining a good friendship will depend a lot on how she feels about the breakup. If she understands and agrees with the reason for the break up, and harbors good feelings about you after the breakup, she might remain a good friend. If she feels jilted or cheated, she is not likely afterward to remain friendly.
Usually (and remember that averages mean nothing to those who are exceptions) a long-term romance ends in someone being hurt in some manner. Most often the memory of romance and the sense of loss are too heavy for the couple to remain close after a break-up, even when they still like each other. One of the two, if not both, will want to stay away from the other and get on with a new relationship, and that means terminating the closeness altogether.
Wizard
May 31, 2008
Question: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year (a year next week) and she is in the Navy. Things have been rocky for a while because of the distance and I do not have much money to see her as often as either of us would like. Lately she has been on a ship and she met a guy that she started spending a lot of time with. I just found out that he has kissed her on the cheek and the forehead while they were hanging out and that he puts his arm around her and holds her hand a lot. She says they are just friends. Last night, however, she got really drunk while on liberty and was at a hotel with this guy and some other guys. I was really scared and when I talked to the guy I lost my temper and blamed him for letting her get so drunk. He started threatening me and telling me I don't deserve her and I shouldn't be with her and gave me rules for how I need to treat her if I want to talk to her again. I'm really angry that she has allowed this guy to get so involved in our relationship, but I don't know if I'm just being jealous and paranoid? Is that the case or is she cheating and do I have a reason to want her to stop hanging out with this guy?
ANSWER: You are not paranoid. You are jealous, and should be, because a guy that kisses your girlfriend on the cheek and forehead while hanging out, and puts his arm around her and holds her hand a lot, has intentions that do not include you.
You can’t blame the guy. When a guy is with a girl who is not married, nor engaged to be married, as far as he is concerned she is free game. He obviously thinks highly of her and will not care about you, a “former” boyfriend in his mind.
The next question is, what can you do about it? All you can do is talk it through with your girlfriend. If you are losing her, she should respect you enough to let you know. If you are not losing her, and she is still wanting to keep you for when she returns, all you can do is tell her that this other guy makes you uncomfortable and causes you a huge amount of worry.
Wizard
May 24, 2008
Question: Hello, Wizard. I have been dating a girl for about 6.5 months. We are both in our mid-late 20's, I am 2 years older than her. There are several things I like about her and several things I don't.
First the good. She is pretty, intelligent enough (book smart), has similar taste in food as me, and is hilarious.
Now the bad. She is not in as good of shape as when we met, and she is not in as good of shape as other girls I have dated in the past. I am no Adonis, but I do go to the gym, and though she runs, she could be in better shape.
She is not very good or generous in bed -- if we are changing positions she barely moves. If we are engaged in foreplay, suffice it to say that I am the one doing almost all of the work. While I hate to turn my nose up at sex in general, the fact is that my previous partners have universally been more experienced and skilled.
Politics are important to me. Though we don't share all the same views, I can respect anyone's beliefs and the fact that people have different views. Unfortunately, her own set of political beliefs seem to often contradict themselves, or even common sense. She may just be non-political, or not nearly as into it as me, but regardless, I can't decide if this is a trivial gripe or something legitimate for me to be concerned with.
She also comes from more money and a fancier area than where I grew up. By no means are my family, friends or I lower class, but my girlfriend tends to place (even if just slightly) more emphasis on material possessions like clothes than I have traditionally been comfortable with. I like to dress well. I just don't think that fashion is a substitute for mental substance.
She also tends only to read chick-lit. From what I gather, she hasn't read a serious book in a long time. I shudder inside at some of the things that she says/viewpoints she holds. She's not stupid, just willfully naive, or perhaps sheltered, I think.
Finally, she is not the most generous girl -- I expect to shell out quite a lot of money when I first start dating a girl, but after 6 months, it would be nice if she offered to pay for dinner once or twice. This may have to do with her upbringing as well -- used to being doted on by parents and whatnot. We're in grad school and I'm just as broke as her.
Basically, I'm a huge liberal used to weird/indie music, debating issues, etc. She is more uptown, prim and proper, and doesn't seem to be interested in the same sorts of things as me and the people I usually hang around with. I don't think she 'gets' the stuff I'm obsessed with/into. I genuinely, thoroughly enjoy my time with her, and she is a sweetheart, but a naive sweetheart lacking the mental and/or sexual edge I usually go for.
She is always saying that our sex life is great which I don't agree with, and if I break up with her, I'll be bummed and will miss her, and will eventually get over it, but I imagine she'll be genuinely hurt. Is this salvageable or do I probably need to move on? HELP!
ANSWER: She has good qualities and she has bad qualities. You will decide whether she has enough good qualities to make you happy, and whether the bad qualities can be overlooked or accommodated.
The bad qualities, well, it all depends on your feelings about them. Are they too bad to put up with? Will they deteriorate into something worse?
Time will tell for you if you can’t tell right now. You can continue to date her – if the bad qualities are too much for you, they will eventually wear you down, and you will wonder why you are still dating her. At that point, time to let her go.
Be sure you don’t have children or get married before you know.
Wizard
May 24, 2008
Question: My girlfriend and I have been together for nine months. At first I could not perform to completion, but then could. I am 64 and she is 46. Now, it is getting more difficult, and has been awhile since I have been able to. To be honest my feelings toward her are not as strong. I get very tired fast, and just have to stop. But, for awhile when my feelings were stronger for her, I had more stamina. I cannot tell if it is my age, or if I am just not as attracted to her anymore that is keeping me from it. I know this is personal, but if you have any perspectives on this, please be frank.
ANSWER: Both – your age and your interest. When one grows older, one’s stamina lessens as a general rule, but one’s interest in women does not wane. Sexual interest, as well as emotional or spiritual interest, can live with great vibrancy in older people. Physically, however, the stamina simply is not the same. When you were 12, you could run ten city blocks, and then run back! At your age, you can run but you will tire.
The better your feelings towards her, the more stamina you will muster. The weaker your feelings for her become, the less willing your body will be produce the stamina you miss.
Desire fuels the body at any age. A young lad can do anything with or without desire, but will move mountains if he has the desire to do so. An older man needs desire to do something. What gives an older man desire? That depends on the man.
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: I'm 25 and I've been dating this chick who was awesome for 3 months and then she showed this crazy temper and won’t leave my house and throws crazy temper tantrums and breaks stuff when I ask her to leave and barricades herself in front of the door. I've tried to dump her but she always refuses and then goes off the handle in my house. She steals car keys so I can't even leave my house. How do I dump this chick?
ANSWER: By now (this answer is posted on May 23) your relationship should be so soured that she has left on her own volition. If she hasn’t, you should either move out (if you don’t own your house) or tell her to get out and serve her with a notice of trespass. Call the police if she breaks your personal property. If she barricades you in, call the police.
She will tire of this bizarre behavior. If she doesn’t, you must turn your exasperation into action – legal action – to be sure she is removed from your home.
Wizard
May 14, 2008
Question: Hi, I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now, but things nowadays are in the bad shape. She sometimes goes back to her ex boyfriend’s and right now she is dating her work mate. They are always together after work, and sometimes the guy spends nights at her place while I’m away. My girlfriend recently had an abortion late March this year and I can’t tell who impregnated her. Please help.
ANSWER: You don’t need help. You can see the bad shape things are in. Take affirmative action. Dump her and move on to a more faithful girl.
Wizard
May 11, 2008
Question: Should I dump my girlfriend? I am 23 and she is 20 and we’ve been going out for 13 months and all she ever does is complain that I never want to hang out with her, even thought she sleeps over my house all the time (usually 7 days a week). I’ve been telling her I need space to do things with my friends and she doesn't give it to me. When I tell her I don't want to see her I have to lie about where I am because she will drive to come find me. I have threatened to call the cops and she says she doesn't care. My friends are telling me that I am no longer the same person I was because I have this girl in my life and I don't act the same anymore (I feel it too). I have been telling this girl to go away for the last 3 days and all she does is cry and say that I don't love her and if I did I would be with her. I do love her, but I am starting to love her less and less the more she keeps pulling this crap. She calls me about 25 times a day and texts me over 100 whether I answer or not. The fact of the matter is, I would love to stay with her if she would change and not need to be up my rear-end all the time, but she isn't going to change because I have had many sit down talks and told her my true feeling. Whenever I say these things she compares me to other people’s boyfriends and her ex boyfriend. I need her out of my life right now because she is strangling me and I can't breathe. Please help. What should I do?
ANSWER: You feel strangled because she is choking you. Some well-meaning girls get it in their minds that they have to have their guy all the time, so much so that it is like an obsession. A guy must have the ability to live a guy’s life. A guy needs his guy friends, his recreation, his peace of mind, his freedom, and some room to move around in. It doesn’t mean that he dislikes his girlfriend, or that he can’t commit to a loving relationship. It only means that a guy needs space to live where his girlfriend is not there. It sounds complicated to a lot of girls, but it isn’t complicated. The need for space is not derived from anything deep and mysterious. It is a surface need for most guys. By “surface” need, the wizard means something that is right on top. What you see is what it is.
If you want to save the relationship, she wants some of your space. Sleeping overnight with you is not “hanging out” together. She needs some quality fun time. It doesn’t need to be lovey-dovey. It should be light fun with conversation, getting out, laughing, eating, playing, watching, doing something ordinary. Being together, if the sparks are there, will light up the dark spots and liven up the dullest of moments. Being together in casual places without schedules and heavy romance – just hanging out – is what she might need and want.
If you allow her into some of your space, she might be satisfied, and be more understanding about your need for space alone. Try it, if you want to try to keep the relationship together.
If you don’t, move on – dump her with all the compliments and pleasantries, but a clear and unmistakable dump nonetheless. You don’t want her tagging along after a dump.
Wizard
May 1, 2008
Question: Well, I have a question. I'm 17 and she's 18. I've been dating this girl for seven months. When we met I fell in love with her instantly. We've had an absolutely wonderful relationship until a few months ago.
A few months back I got shipped off to a boarding school for two months for reasons not relevant to this question, and we stuck through it. I snuck out every night to call her and I kept in touch with her there.
While I was in there, out of a combination of stress, anxiety, being overworked at school, work, and staying up all night and becoming anorexic, she went into a deep depression, (started cutting, starving herself, throwing up, trying to drown herself, etc.). She eventually was hospitalized for a little bit over a week and was released on intensive therapy and some antidepressants.
At about this time, I came home, but she isn't really getting better, she's getting worse. Her parents and the hospital signed a "home safety contract" that basically controlled and contorted her life. It told her when to eat, when she could work, how to do homework, how long she could talk on the phone, and made it so I could see her for a maximum of 3 hours per week. Sad to say there was no getting around this and she wasn't willing to break the rules.
Well, she got worse, and was hospitalized again twice. The third time, they were going to send her to long-term care, and I don't know what I would've done. You see, this girl, she's not a bit crazy, or emotional, or any of that. It seemed that me and her were the only ones that knew that.
So she got out of the long-term deal and got one more chance, but we can barely see each other, and this is driving me insane. Before all of these problems, my life consisted of going to school, and seeing her, then after school, seeing her, then coming home, and talking to her. She was my life. She was worth everything to me. As all of these things unfolded, it seemed harder and harder to stay with her, but I still loved her.
So, since I couldn't see her, my weekends started opening up. I started to go party and get messed up. I started drinking, which she was ok with, then I started smoking weed, which she was NOT ok with. When I came clean with her about smoking weed, she slapped me and made me promise I'd never do it again. But did I? Yeah, I tried to hide it, and slowly conform her to my interests. Not only did getting wasted affect our relationship, but also, she would get worried when I wouldn't answer, and freak out, and get suicidal.
She began to be touchy and sometimes what seemed to me to be the tip of a hat set her into a manic state of depression. I was hurting her. I did selfish things to hurt her.
One day, I was working, and her friend took her to a concert with another friend. My girl for some reason decided to have A LOT of beer, and even cigarettes, which she doesn't normally do. So she calls me when she gets home, and she is MESSED UP, and so was I. So I invited her over and introduced her to pot and a few other things happened that night, if you know what I mean.
After that night, after she slept a full day and sobered up, it was like a train hit her, because she scared herself because she wants to be this goody girl who goes to Harvard and becomes a lawyer, so she was scared that she was screwing up her life. And that day, she called me, and we talked, and she told me she wanted to take a break from our relationship to get both of our lives back on track. She said that my grades are about to fail me for the year, I'm about to be fired from my job, and I'm just slacking in my life, getting messed up, and not caring, and not only that but I hurt her, broke promises with her, betrayed her, was a bad influence on her, and quite frankly I took her for granted. And I agree with all of that.
She said that both of us need to fix ourselves up and that I need to be a man she can depend on. She says that if I can straighten up and get my life on track that she'll go back out with me. And most importantly, even though we both agreed to this break, we still love each other, we still tell each other we love each other, we still talk on the phone at night, she still tells me she's here for me and I say the same, but it seems the reason we're not together is that we, at least she, is not at a point in life for a relationship.
But my dilemma: The life of partying, and having carefree fun that isn't bound to the likings of a particular girlfriend, is a life that is very appeasing to me. I'm really at a crossroads in my life, and what I really want to know, Mr. Wizard, or well, what I really want an unbiased opinion on, is should I clean up and wait, or should I move on and enjoy the life of a 17 year old?
ANSWER: She’s been through the grinder. She witnessed the turmoil and pain that life can bring if one does not care for one’s self. She knows what she wants in life and is getting ready to pursue it. As her boyfriend, you witnessed her pain. Though you know she wasn’t crazy, you saw her suffer. You respect her and love her. With your experience of seeing her suffer, and your agreement that you have been a bad influence on her, you do not want to hurt her.
At your age you have energy and enthusiasm that combine to create a willingness to take risks. You are not immortal, even if you feel that way sometimes. Tragedy lurks around every corner, as you know from your girlfriend’s experience. One must not make decisions out of fear of tragedy, surely, but risk-taking is the oil that greases the machinery of tragic consequences. Your “life of a 17 year old” is a risk-taking adventure because it includes getting messed up with drugs and alcohol. Your evident preference for the risk-taking life, without getting bound to a girlfriend’s likings, is not unnatural.
You are not yet at a crossroads. Instead, you have already selected your preference, as made clear in your question. Enjoy the exuberance of youth. It abounds in your spirit. It needs to be spent and enjoyed. You need to expand your experience and seek some of the thrill of life that awaits you.
However, please accept a note of caution. Drugs and alcohol are dangerous commodities that find their way into the lives of people, young and old. Like water that seeps into cracks and expands in the cold, making the cracks widen so much that huge boulders snap in two, drugs and alcohol seep into the cracks of your personality. In the cold of life, if you are lonely, unhappy, or weak, they cause your weaknesses to grow and snap you in two.
Getting messed up is anti-experiential. It messes up your ability to perceive experience, to remember experience, and to do something worthwhile with experience. If you want to live the life of a 17 year old, that means you want to experience things, learn from them, use them in life, making your time alive full of happenings, high and low, to fly or dig with eyes wide open. You can’t do that messed up – and tragedy waits around that ever-present corner for you to get messed up
Wizard
April 30, 2008
Question: I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed help. My future girlfriend wants me to say yes. What should I do? I mean, I have like only 5 girlfriends. That’s not that bad. Hmmmmmmmm, I is confused.
ANSWER: You is confused all right. Can’t help with jibberish.
Say yes and enjoy.
Wizard
April 30, 2008
Question: I have no life. No one loves me. I’m from Brussels. I’m little in many ways and I am sick of getting rejected because of it.
Should I dump misses booby girl. We have been together for like 5 years but I hate her. She keeps rejecting me because I simply want a hug. So should I? I am going to jump off my car and break my face. This girl has got me going around and around. Like I said, she has nice boobies and I want her so bad right now. Oooooohhhhh, never mind that, but yeah, I want it right now. Ok, anyways, should I dump her?
ANSWER: You’ve been dating this girl for five years and you have no life? Impossible. The reasons you’ve stated for rejection are horse manure.
If you dump her, you’ll not have a life.
Wizard
April 30, 2008
Question: Yes, hello, my name is ********* *******. I am eighteen years old and have a very hot girlfriend who is from Greece and has a nice rear-end and I do not want to dump her, but I fell in love with this blond chick with big breasts and I really want to get ** *** ***** so I would rather do that. I really love the other girl but I haven't got any in a long time so yeah, what should I do?
ANSWER: If you would rather go after the blond girl, the Greek girl cannot mean so much to you, otherwise you would forego all the fun and limit yourself to her. So, the net result is that you are willing to risk losing the Greek girl in order to not miss fun with the blond girl.
Obviously, you should do what you want to do. You are not married or bound to the Greek girl. Just be aware that you risk losing her. If indeed that is okay, then go for it.
Wizard
April 30, 2008
Question: HI. I met a girl. We had sex at the second date and then I made 2 days to call her. Few days later she said to me that it is over, mainly due to the fact that I made 2 days to call her after sex and that this was a very bad thing I made to her.
The last 2 weeks I am trying to recover but she is talking ironically to me.
We met once after this and she said that she did not feel anything when she saw me.
Is it really so bad thing that what i did? I think it's time to stop. What do you think?
ANSWER: If you think it is time to stop, it is. You did not do a bad thing. It might not be what she wanted or expected, but two days is not the end of her world, and surely not yours. She has some other axe to grind, something unconnected with the two days.
You’re fine – she isn’t. It is time to stop.
Wizard
April 28, 2008
Question: Hello! I'm 19 and I have been dating this girl (who is 17) for 8 months. First of all, I am bored of the relationship. We very rarely do anything together apart from sitting in front of the telly or going shopping. We talk, but quite often we run out of things to say.
Secondly, I like another girl. I don’t know her too well, but we talk on the internet most nights when I am not seeing my girlfriend and we have a really good laugh and we have gone to a couple of parties where we both have had a few alcoholic drinks (I live in England by the way, we can drink when we are 18) and have kissed a few times (she wouldn’t go further because I have a girlfriend).
Thirdly, I am traveling around China and South East Asia for 10 weeks leaving in May and I am going without her, and I am worried that I am not going to enjoy myself as much as I want to because I have been thinking of splitting up with her for the past few weeks.
I have discussed with her a couple of weeks ago about the relationship getting boring and I am worried that we don’t have a future together, and we have decided to not see each other so much, because we think we see each other too much. But I am worried that if we are seeing each other too much now, what is it going to be like if we decide to live with each other and marry? We have agreed that we will see how things go after I come back from Asia, but I can’t help but think I want to end it now. I really do love her though, and I am worried that if I do end it, I will regret it, but I am also worried that if I do stay with her, I will regret it even more.
I am missing opportunities of trying new things, and being young, there are still many things I want to experiment with.
Please help me!
ANSWER: The world is your oyster. You have so much for experimenting and experiencing – and you fill your world with travel and young ladies and evenings dappling (yes, making spots!) about in wondrous universes.
This will come to an end, so enjoy every moment that is yours. So long as you keep control of your destiny (enough anyway so that you are not disappointed in events) and are free and loose so that no ties bind you and no strings keep you from flying high another time again, you will be full of exciting energy. These are times to fill your mind with memories.
Through all the mix of things, you must keep serious about the love of your life. A woman will come along and thrill you off your feet. When that happens, be ready to steady yourself and be a good man with strength, agility, intelligence, common sense, and the wherewithal to tap into a good profession for her, for you, and for children.
Holy moly, would you know, your oyster is a bucket of joy.
You don’t need help. Free yourself of her. Sitting in front of the telly is like growing a shell around your body. Over time all you do is harden your exterior and gain weight. The world is your oyster – you are not the oyster.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: The other night I found a really nice girl. Then suddenly I heard her yelling at my friend. She was like, "You're never going to kiss a girl like me," and my friend was like, "Yah, I know. I don't kiss girls that smoke!" She turned around and saw me and was like, "You didn't know that did you?" Should dump her or stay?
ANSWER: You’ve only been dating her a few days. You’ve got a lot more to learn about this girl than whether she smokes – unless, of course, you have already decided that any girl who smokes is off limits for you. And if you have, that’s okay. We all date, but we date what we want to date, and we decide what is important to us about our dates.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: Hi, my girlfriend and I have been together just over two years now and currently live together. Things were great at first but then she went on the pill and she lost any interest in sex at all. She’s now been off it over five months but nothing has changed. It’s getting to the point now that in the first year of us going out we would have sex more times in one day than in the last year of our relationship. What should I do? Should I wait and see if things improve or move on? I still love her but this change in attitude makes it seem like she no longer cares about me in any sense other than as a friend. Thanks.
ANSWER: Your message talks only about the frequency of sex. If that were all there was to a relationship, your relationship is in a state of collapse. But sex is not all there is and there must be more to this story. If she still loves you, and shows it in other ways, then you should not move on. You should talk to her and work with her to improve that part of your relationship that needs adjustment. If she ignores you and doesn’t relate well to you any more, besides the sex issue, then obviously the relationship is truly failing.
Remember that sex is a piece of a large and complicated machinery. Yes, it helps hold the parts together, but the energy that drives the machine is not sex.
Wizard
April 16, 2008
Question: Okay, I'm dating a suicidal chick. If I dump her will she kill herself. We've been dating for 3 and a half months already! Plus she's obsessed with me. I'm scared. I don't want her to die.
ANSWER: No one wants any one to die. We all must be ready and willing to commit heroic acts to save people who are about to die by accident or the wrongful act of another. This moral obligation is limited. No one expects us to die for the life of another, unless we commit to do it in military service. No one expects us to risk serious physical injury, either, unless we enter an emergency related service, like fire and police.
In your situation, no accident or wrongful act puts your girlfriend at risk. She is her own threat. She is extremely selfish or she suffers from emotional illness, or both. You cannot solve those problems, however much you would like to. You cannot douse the torch in her mind that would take her life.
You will want to be supportive and help in every reasonable way you can. Dating her as a lover, or playing a game of pretending to be in a romantic adventure with her, will not help.
Wizard
April 13, 2008
Question: I've been with a girl for 2 months now. I met her at my old job. She's 17 and still in high school. I'm 20 and leaving in less than 1 month for Navy boot camp. I told this girl I loved her to get her to date me at the start when I really didn't. After 2 months I'm really annoyed with her. She claims I have cheated on her (I haven't) and is jealous of any female friends of mine. Plus, this girl chews food like a cow and pressures me to take her out for dinner almost 3-4 nights out of the week. I've spent probably hundreds of dollars on her and I am really not attracted to her at all anymore. She's getting fat. The sad thing is she is really, really into me and even plans to fly out to see me graduate from boot camp. Should I dump her, or should I go to boot camp, cut all ties, and pretend she doesn’t exist?
ANSWER: You’ve been dating for only two months. This should make it easier, because the roots can’t grow too deep in so short a time, and pulling them up causes less damage. You should tell her the truth (that you want to end the relationship) now, and without criticizing or demeaning her.
You didn’t tell her the truth in the beginning about how you feel. Though the wizard recommends truth telling, it is not unusual for a guy to exaggerate his feelings when he tells his girl how he feels about her in the beginning of a relationship. Most girls should know enough to be suspicious about expressions of love so early on from a young guy.
A two month relationship is easy to end (usually) and here is how you do it.
Be truthful, as follows: Tell her you have not cheated on her, that you think she was a great date and are happy you had the opportunity to date her, that she is a wonderful person who will find other guys to date after you are gone, and that you want to end the dating relationship now for many reasons, including that you don’t feel the romance of it any more and you are going away to boot camp. If you end it this way and now, she should know better than to continue chasing you, her memory of you will be positive, and she will venture on in her life without you.
Do not tell her about eating habits and weight gain. All of that is now completely unnecessary and may be hurtful. It may be true but that is no reason to express it. Some truth is left unsaid, especially things that hurt and accomplish no purpose.
Wizard
April 11, 2008
Question: Hey, here’s a Desirable question. If a girl clearly doesn't show that she loves you and you are clearly going out with her, then do you just dump her or wait the time?
ANSWER: If you add up all the dates and all those who are both dating and in love, you will find the number of dates will greatly exceed twice the number of people in love. Not everyone waits to find love before they date – in fact, just the opposite. Dating is a common tool to determine answers to: 1) Can I fall in love with this person? 2) Will I fall in love with this person? 3) Will this person fall in love with me?
Though dating is often a precursor to love, it is also a social thing to do with someone you simply enjoy. A lot of dates occur without whirlwind emotions and sparks.
If the girl you date is not in love, she still might like you a lot and want to date you. She might think love is possible but hasn’t happened yet. She could be “testing you out” still. If so, dumping her would be a stupid thing to do, if you still like her.
If you don’t like her, dump her. If you think she is too put-offish and pays too little attention to you, dump her. If you have no intention of falling in love with her, and find another girl with greater possibilities, dump her. But if you still like her and think she doesn’t like you enough, why dump her? She is still dating you, and that should tell you something positive is going on in her head about you, and it should be, at least, “I think he’s cool,” or “He’s fun to be with,” if not “I think he’s a keeper, but I’m not quite sure yet.”
Wizard
April 8, 2008
Question: Hi Wizard, I actually stumbled across your website by mistake. I've read many of the questions posted here and the depth of your wisdom in answering each post. I think you can give me some helpful advice, too.
I'm 28 and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend, who's 27, for fifteen months now, but I don't think it's working out well and I have been seriously thinking about breaking up with her. She has two kids with two different guys. She claims that each time she was in love but her ex cheated and she left the relationship.
The problem I see is that she has not let go of her past, even though she is a good person. She has disrespected me in front of her exes and put them above me on numerous occasions. For instance, we went to a birthday party where her youngest child's daddy was present. Right in front of me, she dirty danced with him. He held her in places that only a boyfriend or husband should hold. When I confronted her three days later, she laughed it off as me being petty and that it was just an innocent dance and that she was over him.
She does the same with her oldest child's father. She calls him daily, and it's not always about their child. In my presence, they have rattled on the phone about his job, their past, and she giggles so much as they converse and even says "I love you before hanging up." But she claims that it's just innocent and that this guy hurt her so much in the past she cannot be romantically involved with him in any shape or form. Oh well! I asked her to define her relationship with him one day and here is what she told me: I have to maintain relationships with my exes for the sake of the kids.
The worst happened one week ago: Her brother had his wedding anniversary party and invited me. I had to work that weekend so I could not make it. Fortunately, my boss let me out early that night and I went straight to the party and met the shocker. The same ex she tells "I love you" was invited to the party. She pretended I wasn't even there and looked right in my face and said that her ex was spending the weekend at her house after I asked her to chill with me later that night. She left with him, spent the weekend with him just to call me on Monday when he had left town. Now, to add insult to injury, this girl had been out of a job for the last 5 months and I have been footing most of her bills. I paid her rent on Thursday and her ex was over from Friday till Sunday. If I hadn't been to the party, I would have never known he was in town.
When I confronted her on Monday, she claimed no wrongdoing or disrespect to me and that she didn't sleep with him that weekend. In fact, this dude just got out of jail and was raped by 5 guys shortly before his release. She has no remorse for what she did and this is the apology she gave me: "I didn't do anything wrong, but if you felt I hurt you, then I'm sorry." Yet she calls me numerous times daily (after this last event) just to "check on me." Last night she claimed her apology was genuine and that she will change. I don't know whether to believe her or not.
We have some big disparities like she is a college drop-out without a job (at the moment) and I have a master's degree and I'm a doctoral candidate. She has two kids with two different men and I have no kids. We do not live together but we attend the same church and I'm the teacher of the Sunday School class she joined recently. We also both sing in the choir. I have feelings for her and I'm attached to her kids. Being a very nice guy, I've reasoned many times that this may not the right relationship for me. I have not had another relationship since I've been with her.
Should I give her a chance after this last event, wait it out and see if she'll improve? Should I break up with her? If so, what do I do about church? Should I quit? My feelings are mixed and at present I do not have a clear head. My friends tell me that it's not worth it anymore and I need to move on because "she's not my type and she's below my level." However, I'm not the type to put people down. Am I wasting my time or should I continue being the good guy and give her a chance? I need advice. Thanks a lot.
ANSWER: She demonstrates an ability to forgive past failings of former boyfriends. You will be no different to her after you dump her. Knowing that she won’t be uncomfortable should help you get over it enough to stay involved with your church. The church activities are important for you personally and other members of the church benefit from your continued involvement. So don’t quit the church.
The more difficult question is whether to dump her. A healthy relationship with the fathers of her two children is good and important. However, such a relationship does not require the intimacy your question suggests. As a single girl not romantically involved with another man, she can and should enjoy whatever kind of relationship she and they enjoy. The intimacy you describe, however, is inconsistent with a romantic interest in you.
She may have been blind to it. She may have misunderstood your intentions. More likely, she is a free, uninhibited spirit, unbothered by the inconsistent behaviors you witnessed. In reality, though, however free her spirit is, she is hinged to her two children and their fathers. You will have to accept her as she is, or decide to let her go and move on because you can’t have all of her, just what is left of her.
Be careful. You do not want to be father number three and unmarried.
If you do dump her, it is not a put down. She will do fine. You will miss her joyful, free spirit. No doubt she lights up your day. However, many good women exist out there and you will find one, a woman unhinged to former boyfriends now fathers of her children.
Wizard
April 6, 2008
Question: My girlfriend called it quits a couple months ago. During the separation, Valentine's Day went by. Then, she called me recently, and we reconnected. I was at her house, and found a Valentine's Day card that had handwriting that said, "I am getting flustered just thinking of you and writing this to you." Surrounding the card were hearts with words such as "you rock," "you're cool," "you're the best." Then, the sign off had the guy's name with a heart surrounding it. Then, later I looked in her phonebook, and this guy's name had the word "stud" behind it along with his parents’ numbers also. I scrolled to my name, and it simply said my name. She said that this person was in rehab. Here is my conclusion. She took up with this guy, and when he went to rehab, she needed a pinch hitter (me), and I am due to be dumped when he gets out. When asked about the card, she said it was nothing. He was just a friend she knew for a long time. Why does he put a heart around his name? Why does he get "stud" after his name, and no one else does?
ANSWER: Most likely he was more than a friend – or was a special friend – and you may be right about what will happen when he gets out. But, if she is worth it, see whether your pinch hitter status will change. If things go well between now and then, she might like you better than him and put “stud” next to your name. Then you’ll bat clean-up and play all nine innings.
Wizard
April 5, 2008
Question: My girlfriend and I have been on again off again a lot over the last few years. We're both 19. I have been seeing another girl intimately for the past 8 months (yes, I cheated). I really like this girl a lot and have known her for most of my life, but I just can't seem to get girlfriend 1 out of my head. She calls me all the time. Girlfriend 2 is now almost 5 months pregnant with my baby. Who do you dump?
ANSWER: Dump the one without the baby. Better to commit to the mother of your child than to try to manage two different relationships with a child in the mix.
Wizard
April 2, 2008
Question: Hey, I love a girl, but she always talks to her ex boyfriends and texts a lot of guys that I don’t like. Whenever I talk to her she always tells me to trust her, but for some reason I don’t. But I really like her and don’t want to dump her.
ANSWER: If you don’t dump her, you must learn to trust her. When the trust is broken, it is time to dump her. If the trust is never broken, you will realize you have a popular girl who likes to be social but who is faithful to her boyfriend. And that, if it is true, is a real winner.
Wizard
April 1, 2008
Question: A couple nights ago at a party I got with a girl and she came on to me really strongly. I'm not that physically attracted to her and under the black lights and the quantity of Vodka I consumed, she was looking pretty good that night. My friend got her number for me (without asking) and she’s friends with lots of people I hang around with. So because my friend got her number, she is expecting me to text her. What should I say so that I don't hurt her feelings and don’t give her the idea I want a relationship?
ANSWER: Send a text message telling her you thought she was cool and fun that night, but that you aren’t interested in a dating relationship. She will feel good that you liked her and she won’t think you want a relationship, because you will have told her straight in both categories.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: After 3 years together, I don’t love my girlfriend. What should I do, dump her?
ANSWER: The time you have to wait to see if love happens depends on you. Some people will wait longer than three years, some less time. Sometimes it depends on the other person too. Anyway, you are the one to determine whether you think love is still possible and worth waiting for. If you decide it is not, yes, it is time to dump.
Wizard
March 28, 2008
Question: I am a married man for 40 years. My wife and I have no relations. It is a cold environment. In the past six months, I met a girl 15 years younger than me, beautiful, charming, witty and fun. All the things that I had been missing. I reeled this girl in. She initially recognized the complications of being with a married man, and resisted. But, I wanted her. So, I put out all the right moves to get her to love me. And, she did. She adores me. I would say that I let my heart speak over my logic at that time.
Time has passed, and I am realizing that my family and other obligations mean far more to me than this girl. I do care for her, and want her in my life, but have to admit, she is a low priority compared to the rest. She expresses disengagement quite frequently, and I out of not wanting to reveal my true feelings that I have switched to logic over my heart, I always try to evade the issues she brings up such as feeling bad when she is placed low on my list of priorities. I consider her my girlfriend. Do I have obligations to a girlfriend?
She does provide me with adoration, a good time, she is beautiful, she does make me feel a warmth I have not for decades. But, it is just so hard to please everyone, and I find myself putting her last. She gets very sad about this, but I have my obligations.
ANSWER: Yes, you do have obligations to your girlfriend. She is a valuable treasure. She deserves love and affection. She deserves respect, dignity, and all the full benefits of a committed lover.
You cannot provide these to her. You do, however, recognize her value as a human being.
Therefore, you must let her go. She should be with a single guy. If you don’t let her go, you are acting solely out of self interest, and that in this case would be immoral and a wrong committed on her.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: Hey, wizard, I've been wanting to dump my fiancee for like 3 months now. We fight like every other day. We fight and make up, fight and make up some more. It drives me nuts because she is pregnant. She is very disrespectful, demanding, and tries to be controlling, but that’s where the fighting starts because she cannot control me and it bothers her. She is even very disrespectful to her mom in front of me. So if she curses her mom out, the woman that brought her into this world, it’s a piece of cake to disrespect her man. I am very cool with her family. They all love me, but this woman is too much. She is a cool person when she wants to be, but can be a real bitch also. All my ex girls never disrespected me the way she does. Sometimes I feel like walking out of her life, but the baby is coming in a week and I want to raise my child. Talk to me, wizard. Wassup. What can I do!!!!
ANSWER: What’s up is you’re hooked to this problem for a long time – your baby is also her baby, which makes you parents of one child. That means, whether she respects you or not, out of love for your baby you’ve got to keep things together at home, and that could mean chewing a whole lot of chomp (or taking a whole lot of ****).
(To chomp is to gnaw with one’s teeth. Dictionaries tell you the noun “chomp” is a bite. The meaning of “chewing a whole lot of chomp” is clear if you think of chewing over and over so much that the whole thing is one huge, never-ending chomp.)
It’s worth it, though, if you can get through the long term stuff. You will have a child that adores you and wants to learn from you. And, if you’ve succeeded well, that child will become an adult who trusts you, respects you, loves you, and will stand up anywhere in defense and in support of you. You will stand next to your child at any age with pride.
Yeah, it could be almost impossible, but you’ve got gold, so don’t lose it. You will make it if you stay committed to your child.
You will not be a chump – you will be a champ. A chump chomps for nothing. A champ chomps for something.
Your baby is something.
When you get old and wise, and if you remember this advice, you will look back and say, “That was a whole lot of chomp.” And you will smile saying it.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: Been with this girl for 4 months, just moved in, needed a place to live. Lately she has not done anything. She says she will do, never on time, was supposed to take me out last night, blew me off to be with her family, takes hours to text me back, hardly calls me, always text. I’m getting tired of waiting for her to get things done that need to be done. I feel disrespected, talking isn't getting through, and she wonders why I’m mad.
ANSWER: Looks like an obvious incompatibility.
Wizard
March 18, 2008
Question: Hi, Wizard. I am 16 years old and I have been 'going out' with this girl for nearly a month and I feel as if I was pushed into it by my 'friend.' I’m not really physically attracted to her, and I dislike some of the people she hangs around with. I like this girl in my math class and she is kind of friends with my girlfriend. My friends have also been saying that I could do better. We never really connect either. I found out that she really liked me and I didn't want to make her sad by not asking her out or going out with her friend. I'm afraid that if I dump her, I will make her sad. I am her first boyfriend, so I think that'll make it a lot worse and if I ask her friend out. I think her friend won't want to go out with me because she may think I'm a bit of a prick for dumping my girlfriend. Please, Wizard, I need some advice! Thanks.
ANSWER: Your reasons to dump your girlfriend are normal and should not be ignored. The first question is a simple one. Yes, you should dump your girlfriend. No good reason will support staying in a relationship that you feel shouldn’t have happened, you are not physically attracted to her, and you dislike some of the people she hangs around with. You know the answer here is that a dump is warranted.
The opinion of your friends helps you, maybe, by making you feel better. Don’t make your decision based on their opinions. You don’t need their approval for decisions like this. The decision to dump is yours, and yours alone, and is based on your feelings, not theirs.
Should you avoid dumping a girl because she likes you and will be sad? Of course not. Would you want a girlfriend to keep dating you when she no longer wants to date you, just because she pities you? No way. If she feels sad, she should feel sad. That happens to everyone who likes someone who dumps them. Don’t let something so normal and expected turn you into a helpless wimp.
Will you avoid the dump because you like a friend of hers and want to date the friend? Of course not. If you deny yourself the enjoyment of dating a girlfriend’s friends, when you date a popular girl you’ll have to avoid dating anyone in town. Geesh! That can’t make sense, can it? Of course it doesn’t.
Dump her nicely, telling her at the same time how much you value her as a person. Tell her how much fun she is and what a nice person she is. After the dust settles, ask her friend out. Don’t wait too long. If her friend is as nice as you think, she might be with another guy by the time you figure it out that it is okay to dump a girlfriend and date her friend.
Wizard
March 16, 2008
Question: I’ve been going out with this girl for about 2 months. The other day, I had a field trip with my school (I’m 18 by the way) and met this person for the first time, and then again on another field trip. In both we spent all day talking and having fun. Ever since then I can’t stop thinking about her. I liked everything about her and I mean everything. My feelings for my girlfriend have disappeared. This has never happened to me before, and I don’t know whether I should dump this girlfriend and ask the other one out.
ANSWER: Yes, you should. Don’t let yourself miss those exciting, grand opportunities that come up in life.
This kind of joyful thing happens to most people, but this is not an everyday occurrence. You should act on it and enjoy yourself. You will find things you don’t like, probably, and that is okay too.
Wizard
March 14, 2008
Question: The other night, this girl I hang around with said, "Why do you like me so much?" I was a little dumbfounded and instead of saying, "I don't," which is kind of how I feel (I like her, but "so much". . . the ego on her), I relayed that I am a very nice person, and very nice to everyone. This is not a dumping situation, just an inquiry, because this is not the first time. This may be complex or not. The thing is, I get this a lot.
They think I am "in love with them" or I have been told, "You love me more than I love you.” As stated, I am just very nice. Now, do I need to "not be myself" and "jerk" these girls around a little more or something, so they realize that they are not "goddesses" in my eyes? I think I will know what you will say and I agree, "Be yourself." I do not like games. Perhaps, there is a way I can handle it, keeping my "nice" self intact, but relaying a strong statement when these bombshells are dropped.
ANSWER: You are right – the answer is to continue as you were. Some of them probably (and to their loss) don’t understand or realize that they’ve got the real thing – a guy who is nice, and for real. You know that in most girls’ worlds you are a rare (but valuable and to be cherished) bird.
Here is one effective way to stop the problem: Don’t ever say you are nice. Don’t volunteer it. Don’t in a long discourse (in a conversation with a girlfriend when you talk about yourselves) say you’re nice. Avoid putting yourself in that category – ever – by never giving a high opinion about your self.
If a girl says you are nice, tell her that’s her opinion, not yours. If a girl says you are in love with her, or you love her more than she loves you, say, well, that’s your opinion.
No need to be disputatious about it. Don’t let it turn into an argument over how nice you are or how you feel. Keep it short. If a girl says you love her too much, and you respond, “That’s your opinion, not mine,” and she asks, “What is your opinion?” say, “Gee, I always thought you loved me more.” As you would with a deflective shield, you deflect the “game” back into her head.
The girl who deals with it gracefully (watch out) might be a genuine good find. The girls that swim in deep egos will either come up for air (looking for more good times with you) or drown the relationship. Regardless of how it goes in her head, this tactic should resolve a lot of your problem.
The girl that said, “Why do you like me so much?” was not a date, so the question could be a sign of a different problem. Her question might have been motivated by her own insecurities, in which case the question was a nice way of saying thanks, and subtle way of looking for a compliment to keep her confidence up. What you perceived as ego could have been a genuine admission of weakness. If you followed the advice given here, when she said, “Why do you like me so much?” you would say, “I do? Wherever do you get that idea?” She might then describe what she perceives as nice or gracious behaviors. You would then respond, “That’s how I treat everybody.”
Do all of this with a smile and never admit to being nice. Don’t be unhappy that people think you are nice. Let them come to that conclusion if they will, and don’t rubber stamp it with your opinion that agrees.
When you are dating a good find, you can lay it on saying, “That’s how I am with someone as special as you are.”
Wizard
March 12, 2008
Question: Well me and my girlfriend have been almost together for a year now. I am training for a sport to hopefully go to college with and am training four days a week. Since it’s not in season the practices are optional. My girlfriend doesn’t like that I would rather go to optional practice than her. This summer my schedule is only going to get worse and I don’t know how to explain that to her. I am also starting to get interested in other girls. I’m not really looking for a serious relationship anymore. I just want to have fun, considering I’m only 17. I want to break up with her, but I’m not sure if its the right thing to do. She still loves me a lot and I don’t know how to tell her. She gets very emotional sometimes. What do I do?
ANSWER: If you are training for a sport you enjoy, that is a part of you. If a girl wants to date you, she dates you as you are. You cannot take away from your life an activity that gives you so much. If she can’t tolerate your sports activity, then you aren’t the right guy for her. That’s how you explain it to her.
You should be enjoying yourself. If you feel you are not enjoying yourself dating her, for whatever reason, it is time to dump her and move on. A lot of guys at 17 want to date around and for them that means have fun. That is not abnormal or wrong.
Breaking up is the right thing to do if it is what you want. If you were in love with her, you would not want to break up. Do not decide to stay in a relationship because she loves you. Love is a two-way street. It doesn’t work in one direction.
When you tell her, do not tell her about anything negative about her. Tell her she was great fun and you liked her a lot, but that you’re not yet interested in a long-term commitment. Tell her you know she’ll make another guy very happy, but that you’ve got so much to do and worry about with sports that you want to stop dating for a while.
She will adjust and find another guy. You will find another girl.
Wizard
March 11, 2008
Question: So I like this girl and she just got out of a relationship like two weeks ago. She told me she likes me, but is it too soon to try anything? Or am I just a re-bound guy?
ANSWER: You might be just a re-bound guy, but you might not. It is not too soon, and you won’t find out anything unless you go for it.
Wizard
March 10, 2008
Question: Wizard - I have used you a couple of times and you always have great advice. I also enjoy reading your answers to other questions.
Can I donate to help you cover some of your costs?
ANSWER: Everyone anywhere can ask a question here and get an answer. Howdy-do-ya that! The advice is free, and intended to be so, to make one’s financial resources irrelevant to the quality of advice.
Most people think advice is more valuable when one must pay dearly for it. A lawyer who charges $300 an hour, for example, gives better advice than a lawyer who charges $100 an hour. Well, the wizard’s advice is free – its value is determined solely by its content, not by how much one must pay for it.
Friends advise the wizard (shiver me timbers they do) to be paid for services and your kindness and generosity is much appreciated. The fact that you enjoy reading the answers and appreciate the advice is ample reward.
A friend (a lawyer, also) advises the wizard to syndicate the advice as a weekly column. He says publication in newspapers will give the wizard’s wisdom more notice. Readers who write for advice on the internet can continue to get it without cost.
He’s a good lawyer and he might be right (and, for the wizard, his advice is free!). Interested editors (if there are any!) can check out the sites. Established newspaper guidelines can be accommodated as to size, style, and anything else. Inquiries can be sent to Dagorg, Inc., P.O. Box 194, Williamsburg, MA 01096. Maybe, just maybe, someone in Dagorg will initiate something formal with syndication, but that is out of the wizard’s hands.
Wizard
March 6, 2008
Question: I’ve been dating a girl for about a year now. I play sports almost every day and she doesn’t like it, but I can’t stop. I believe her and her mom think we’re getting married and I really had no intensions. I don’t know if I really want to be stuck in this relationship. What do I do?
ANSWER: If you are unsure, but are not miserable, you can give it time so you think it through. Once you are sure you don’t want the relationship any more, end it quickly and smoothly so it is truly over. No need to keep her stuck in the relationship too.
If you don’t end it, remember to enjoy life. That means sports for you. A dating relationship should not cause one to sacrifice hobbies or activities one enjoys, so long as they are legal and not harmful.
Wizard
March 2, 2008
Question: My girlfriend is a greedy . . . and she serves no purpose for me anymore for me. She’s emotional and I know that she'll cut herself or worse if I break up her (she cut herself on first breakup). She’s a freak and how do you break up with a loony? She is kaka for coco puffs, I’m telling you!
ANSWER: You’ll make it harder for her if you don’t dump her. If you stay attached, her roots will grow deeper and grasp you tighter, you will grow more miserable, she’ll be placated until you can’t stand it any more, and you will finally dump her in complete frustration at a time when she will be more vulnerable to emotional and psychological collapse.
A swift and final dump may be hard for her, yes. Unless she will mentally heal up and be able to take a hard hit later, you are better off giving her the news in a clear and firm message so it’s absolutely over – now – so the hurt she will necessarily feel gets done before it gets worse than it already is.
Thank goodness you didn’t ask, Should I stay in a relationship fearing that my date will hurt herself when I dump her?
You asked the more pertinent question: How do I dump a looney?
The answer is the same – Do it clearly, so she makes no mistake in understanding what is happening. Do it swiftly, so no delay causes her roots to grow any deeper. Be sure not to say anything that compromises these two points. For instance, do not agree that maybe you can get back together again if she changes or improves. The dump must be final and complete.
Finally, do not unnecessarily hurt her. Do not say she’s a looney. She can be dumb and silly, totally off her rocker with only toys in her attic, and unable to state the alphabet and count 1 to 10.
She could be combative, swear at you like a crazy ***** and curse your Mommy and your ancestors, slap and hit you like she swats a mosquito, and spit in your face. She could cry, tell you how much she loves you, threaten to cut herself, wail about being lonely, and complain that you are her last hope in this dangerous and scary world. And all of that can occur with only one dumpee! You must treat her with gentle respect and kindness, regardless of what you hear and see.
Don’t tell her she is kaka for coco puffs! Keep that to yourself.
Wizard
March 2, 2008
Question: I don’t love my girlfriend anymore. She got a job and I don’t. She doesn’t go to school and she has no idea how hard it is to keep both. She spends whatever money I have left and invites me to places like the mall and traps me to pay or she'll get emotional. How should I break up with this . . . thing?
ANSWER: The same way you break up with any girl
you don’t love and who doesn’t need you. You tell her you are no longer interested in a dating relationship. It is as simple as, “Sorry, I don’t want to date anymore.” No need to bring up the reasons why. No need to argue with her. No need to make it any more complicated than that.
If the relationship was long-term, or if you had started living together, or if other entanglements make the break-up more difficult, some things might need to be finessed. In your case, just keep it simple.
What do they say? KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid. Use the KISS method.
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: I can’t seem to let go of the past, plus I feel like ****. I’m growing to hate her and should I dump her? I believe in "treat others how you want to be treated" and she’s a total *****.
ANSWER: Look, my man. Do yourself some good. Take a cold shower. Then dump her.
A dating relationship that causes so much stress is not worth it.
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: I can’t let her do that to herself, ya know? Well, now every time I talk to her I feel like ****. I told her I had a problem with my mom and she talked about how I complain too much and how I’m such a failure. She also played around by calling me a pussy and she knows I have a problem with that. I feel even more like **** when she tells me how I never do anything for her. I make her food on command, buy her ****, and do anything she says. By the way, she hasn’t done **** for me in a month, except syrup . . . hmm. I don’t know.
ANSWER: Uh oh. The crack is widening. Try not to fall through.
Where’s that sense of humor?
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: Sorry, wizard. my psp can only type so much. Anyways, carrying on from pity. Eventually we got back together because I believe in second chance. Once again, we broke up again because she smoked in front of my face even though she promised me she will never smoke again. She couldn’t keep a promise, so I dumped her. I got back with her again because she was too special to me. She was the only person I have ever felt in love with and I cant let go. She’s the kind of girl that would hurt herself if I broke up with her.
ANSWER: Back again, gone again.
Smoking is a killer. A promise to someone else (like you, her family, her friends, the priest, the police force, the entire U.S.A. army!) will not work. She must make the promise to herself.
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: Hey, wizard. I’m 16 and I’ve been going out with this girl for about 6 months. After the second month I started to lose interest in her because I hate what she likes and she hates what I like. I hate weed, piercings, and she wants to be a pornstar (which I hate). Anyways, I lost interest in her and then I "made fire" during the 3rd month. After that it went downhill again. She broke up with me while she was on her period and she told me she didn’t care about me, plus she only went out with me because of pity. Wait.
ANSWER: Whoosh. You’re like a prairie brush fire.
You have no problem. Nothing is remarkable about not liking someone and knowing they don’t like you either. Let’s not call it “hate” that you feel about what she likes and what she feels about what you like. You just don’t agree. “Hate” is too inflammatory a word.
Fires by linguistic definition and by scientific fact will burn out. It’s the sparks magically lit that light up a romance. The match is the attraction of two spirits and the sparks fly from a mystical thing we call love – and no fire hose can douse it. Yet, sometimes the silliest, most unfortunate circumstances cause the sparks to flicker out. The cause is often tragic, sometimes foolish, and rarely necessary. Yours were not sparks, just fire.
Let her walk her mile (with her interests, that’s only how far she’ll get) and you go down your path. “Never the twain shall meet.”
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: Thank you, Wizard. I will give them a try ( Never have time replies-Feb 25). Still can’t help feeling low and that she’s trying to elbow me tho!
ANSWER: You’re welcome. You may be right about that, unfortunately.
Keep your sense of humor. An ability to smile and see the lighter side of things (even at the dark side) is a sign of strength and resilience in bad times. You should be sure she sees that side of you, if you have it (and the wizard thinks you do have it).
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: I have a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is at a University in a different country. At the beginning things were going well and she was obsessed with me. But gradually she started not to be so interested in me.
She wants to be all the time with her friends and we don't talk so much, etc. I pointed out that she was indifferent and she didn't admit it directly. I also found an email in which she was telling one of her friends that I was pissing her off for a period, she liked other guys, and we were far away. She mentioned that I was definitely the one she was to be with, but she also tells she wanted to tone it down for a while.
We are together for a year and I have known her from when she was a little child. We had been close friends for many years until I realized I loved her.
I'm very selfish and I ignore her the same way she ignores me because I don't want to be anyone's puppet. I forgot to mention that she always tells me that she loves me but her behavior doesn't prove that. I love her but on the other hand I can't ruin my life and my soul for a spoiled girl. I want both of us to sacrifice some things for our relationship. And we did it for a while, but now I think she's not able to carry such a heavy burden.
I could wait for her for all my life, but for the time being I can't suffer all this situation any more if she's not good-willed. It's a really hard decision but I think I'll announce to her that I've decided to break up (though I love her).
I would appreciate your prompt answer.
ANSWER: Looking at each other direct in the eye, quickly and meaningfully responding, and settling with a big hug or kiss, can’t happen at a long distance.
Although with some things long distance is good. She can’t pull your strings like a puppeteer from University in another country. Nor can she easily ruin your life or pester you as a spoiled girl.
This relationship began withering on the vine from a time long ago. Better to tune it out than tone it down. Distance already toned it down for you.
Good dating relationships are symbiotic. Yours has lost its symbiotic character.
Wizard
February 26, 2008
Question: I am 17, 18 next month – I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for 1 year and half and I like this other girl. The other girl is nice, funny, sweet, and we have been mates for 2 years now, and I KNOW she likes me in that way.
Problem is I am staying at university where I live. My girlfriend a year below me doesn’t know if she is staying here with me next year, and this other girl is going away to Northwestern for University, but thinks it could work.
Me and my girlfriend are in love, yes, but I feel I want more experience. We don’t have sex too often (I want it more, don’t think she does). If I was older like 21 then maybe it could work - but these are 'the best years of my life' and I’ve only got one life?! What do I do?
ANSWER: You are at the beginning of the best years of your life (for some things). Old age ain’t so bad either, for some things. You are single, so follow your feelings.
Wizard
February 25, 2008
Question: Hi, I'm 17 and I've been going out with my girlfriend for just over 6 months. I started out being just physically attracted to her, but as time has gone on I would say that I have grown to love her, in that I care for her. I've known that she's always had stronger feelings for me than I have for her, but just the other day she said that she'd fallen in love with me. It may sound a little childish, but I've always felt that teenage couples can’t be "in love" and that as a young person I don’t want to be trapped into a serious relationship. I feel that at the moment it should be more about fun and enjoying your time together.
I do still like her, but I feel myself panicking and I'm not sure what I should do.
Please help.
ANSWER: You are right to be looking for a relationship that is about fun and enjoying time together. Being in love is okay and can be a part of it. It is risky. Obviously, if the “love” felt by either of you fails to evolve into the kind of love that more mature and experienced people feel, then one or both of you may feel hurt when the moment arrives to end it. Also, if you’ve become trapped into a serious relationship, and can’t get out with other girls, you might find that you like being “trapped,” at least while you both love each other. If you are trapped, and don’t like it, cool the relationship down. You can always do that. But don’t stop for fear of being trapped.
The wizard recommends that you have fun and enjoy your time together by letting the relationship run its natural course. It could get better; it could dissolve quickly; it could slowly wither; it could ignite into a firestorm of mutual attraction and need. Who knows?
Remember Romeo and Juliet? Shakespeare’s fiction is not just fiction. Part of Shakespeare’s fame among centuries of readers is that he touches on what is real in each of us as humans – in whatever century we live.
Love exists for all ages. It grows, morphs, curls outward and then inward, wanes, and sometimes burns. Risk is real. Pain is real. So is the joy and the reward.
Give it a try.
Wizard
February 25, 2008
Question: I love my girlfriend. Been together 18 months, preparing to live together, want children together, but of late she keeps saying she has no time to see me or text me. Yet she spends two hours down the pub when she says she has work to do, and on the phone to her girlfriend for an hour! She stays later and later at work, is always tired, but always uses the “I’ve no time” phrase. They give her too much to do at work I say, but she says she doesn’t have time to do it all and refuses to start doing any work in the evenings. What fantastic one liner can I come up with to always answer “I’ve no time” or “There isn’t any time” without causing confrontation, argument, or her bursting into tears.
ANSWER: Here are a few ideas. Remember, though, that what is said needs to be said the “right way” and “at the right time” to be most effective. Sometimes nothing said can avoid the confrontation, argument, or tears.
“Listen, babe, time is precious. You must spend it on what is most precious for you.”
“I’ve got time for you, honey, if you’ve got time for me.”
“What’s ticking in that head of yours, girl? I hope sure as hell it isn’t that clock.”
“I know time is short. I know there is no time for everything. But you and I need time together because I love you, and time together is time we spend for no one else but us.”
“Time is only as valuable as what you get for it. If you get paid for it, okay, it’s worth that much. If you get lovin’ for it, well, that’s worth a lot more, isn’t it? You can spend what you get paid for your time, but you can’t spend the love you get. You have to earn it. And you earn it by spending time. That’s right – love is earned by spending your time.”
A thousand and one other ideas come to mind, some better, some not so good. But we run out of space.
Wizard
February 24, 2008
Question: I have a girlfriend for about 1 year now and we’re always having arguments and fights which she usually cause her to cry. I love her but lately we’re always having fights and she asked for a "cool off" period for 1 week (no calling or talking to one another). Before the week ends, this friend of mine, who is a girl who I had a crush on years ago (and who my girlfriend knows) asked me to hang out with her. I really want to go (besides, I still have 1 week before the cool-off period ends), but I feel that I am cheating my girlfriend. Am I? Is it wrong to go out with this friend of mine?
ANSWER: Cooling off periods serve a purpose. If your relationship is worth continuing, you will find yourselves wanting each other at the end of the period, and you’ll get together with a new perspective about the relationship. If during the cooling off period you find that you don’t miss one another, you’ll probably not revive the romance that you had started before.
Hanging out with another girl, especially one you had a crush on years ago, is worthwhile for you. It tests your feelings for your girlfriend and gives you a chance to experiment with your feelings and instincts.
Your girlfriend will not like it but she asked for the “cooling off” period. She should expect that something like this could happen. It is not immoral or “wrong” to go out with this friend of yours.
Enjoy hanging out with her.
Wizard
February 24, 2008
Question: My girlfriend has changed. She’s always dazed when it comes to me. She spends more time with her friends and she seems to not care anymore. What do I do?
ANSWER: You can be reactive or proactive. Reactive is: Expect a dump soon and take it when it comes. Proactive is: Dump her first.
Wizard
February 22, 2008
Question: I have been dating this women for a month. When we started dating she would not take any calls from her ex-boyfriend. Well, finally his persistence paid off and she accidentally answered the phone one day. At that point she decided that being friends was ok.
Last night we had a date scheduled at a local museum that had drinks and a band. When I picked her up she mentioned that her ex had called and asked if she was going. She told him yes but it wasn't clear if she told him I was her date.
We had a great time at the event dancing and drinking. Then the ex boyfriend shows up. She introduced me, but I didn't really pay much attention.
We danced together and socialized but every time I turned my back this guy was all over her. The last straw was we both put our coats on to leave and as I was saying goodbye to some friends, he grabs her and they are out on the dance floor. I endured not one but two songs as my friends are asking me, "Who is that guy? You should punch him."
As we left she admitted she handled the situation poorly and also had too much to drink.
Should I give her a second chance or dump her?
ANSWER: Glad you didn’t punch him. The fault lies with her, not with him. Some guys still like the old flame and want to re-light it. He wasn’t nice to you, but that isn’t his role – it’s hers.
A dump is not recommended because she admitted that she handled the situation poorly. She is responsible for the situation occurring at all. She (not you) must tell the ex that telephone calls are no longer wanted.
Give her a second chance, remembering she still harbours feelings for his guy. She allowed herself to go on the dance floor – she wasn’t cajoled or pulled and held. Whether she had too many drinks does not defeat her willingness to spill her emotions onto him with you standing alone ready to go.
If you keep her, tell her if it happens again next time you won’t wait for her. If she selects the ex again over you, especially in so rude a fashion, that selection should stick and you should move on to someone more reliably interested in you.
Wizard
February 22, 2008
Question: I have a girlfriend who I really want to dump and start living my life. We met online. She lives somewhere in New Jersey and I’m in Arizona. We talk a lot since we met, straight 6-10 hours a day, every day. Everything went great. We even made a promise to marry each other. After a while, I realized that she is not the one I really want. We had this struggle at the beginning where she wanted to leave me because, as she said, she doesn't deserve me. We debated for hours until I got her back. Then I realized that it wasn't worth it. I told her that she will find the guy she wants, and she will be happy, and that we need to move apart, but then she said she will kill herself if I leave. She got serious and she proved to me she can. What should I do now to leave, be happy, try with other girls and not worry that my "ex" will kill herself after I leave? Please help I’m hopeless.
ANSWER: She is in New Jersey and you are in Arizona. If you were superman capable of flying to her home faster than a speeding bullet, you could not solve her problems.
Ending the relationship is the best thing for both of you. Do not allow her to blackmail you with threats of self-harm. She is unfair to you whether or not she is serious and deserves to be dumped. If she is serious, she is probably intentionally stupid about her own needs and possibly sado-masochistic and needs help you cannot give. If anything, you would only complicate things.
You must dismiss it all as hooey and move on.
Wizard
February 22, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, I was with my ex for 5 years, and we lived together for 4. We met at the age of 21 while at University and had an incredible bond. We've grown together but during the final year I started to get depressed because my life wasn't where I thought it should be. I had dreams and passions, and although I have an incredible job with good pay and lots of flexibility, I felt I needed to change something. So I dumped her.
We carried on living under the same roof for 6 weeks before we moved to separate shared accommodations, but I instantly felt a huge sense of freedom. I became incredibly confident, determined, bought new clothes, new music, partied, slept with other girls. My status in my job and my freedom went to my head and I felt invincible and full of passion.
However, what comes up must come down. I thought I had found the natural me, and was somewhat replicating a friend of mine who is always on top of life, is single, very successful. However, I hit a lack of energy which has lasted weeks. My job, which requires lots of travel, has been just as demanding as it has ever been. I moved to the other side of town (which is also where she has moved), and happens to be closer to our friends.
It's hard to see mutual friends now. And I miss my ex. But I still want freedom! She wants to start dating, but friends I ask say I should have a "clean break" because they assume I must have had some big problems with the relationship. I just don't know what to do. My work doesn't allow me enough time in one place to form new solid relationships. I am always traveling! My ex was the one stable thing in my life. Maybe I freaked out and acted too hastily? I don’t even know if I want to start a new life with new friends now! I can’t concentrate on work because this is eating me up! Help!
ANSWER: You are experiencing second thoughts about the break up and she wants to date. The right answer appears to be that you should start dating again.
To do that, at the beginning you should try to resolve some or all of the problems that brought about the break up so they will not creep up again.
Discuss the freedom you feel and want to keep, the fact that you travel so much for work, and the new confidence your freedom has inspired. Admit, at the same time, that you missed her and that she was the one stable thing in your life. She might reveal insights about you and the relationship that will surprise you. You might be able to recover the good things your relationship with her brought to your life, and who knows, your future might include her.
Be aware – success in business, confidence in one’s self, freedom, and happiness do not require that you lose the companionship of a faithful lover.
Wizard
February 21, 2008
Question: My girlfriend is driving me mad. She is definitely depressed and miserable a lot of the time. She hates her work, is embarrassed by her family, and is ratty.
We have argued since day one. I don't think I'm perfect but I'm really starting to worry that I'm a nasty person. She makes me wonder if I am. She says she wants kids next year but I don't think I'm ready. I don't know if I'm scared to grow up. I just want to enjoy life.
I'm worried if I finish with her she'll get even more depressed.
Should I dump her?
ANSWER: Forget about having children – you’re hardly ready to date steady. If she wants children with you, you must not be a nasty person.
Yes, enjoy life. Every human being should aspire to enjoy life.
You’re not scared to grow up; you’re cautious about having children with a depressed girl with whom you have argued since day one.
Yes, you should dump her.
Wizard
February 21, 2008
Question: I have a live-in girlfriend that I need to dump. I can't take her nonsense anymore and I pay most of the bills. I've lost touch with my friends because of her and I'm miserable. We recently had a big hairy fight around my birthday and now we've stopped having sex. How do I go about it?
ANSWER: Tell her that you believe both of you will be better off separate from each other, that she should move because you pay the rent, and you’ll give her the time she needs to find a new place.
Keep things civil because you’ll have to bear with each other for a while.
Wizard
February 19, 2008
Question: I will just put it bluntly and am not very happy about myself about it. But, am afraid of my wife. What I am afraid of is her desire to not communicate. Hence, anything that bothers me, I have to just keep inside because if I were to mention it, she would lay into me, and the confrontation would be painful, and she would win. She treats me like an idiot. She will tell me something. I will understand what she says the first time, but she will repeat the same thing about five more consecutive times, as if I cannot grasp it the first time, which I have. Why cannot I tell her that I "get it" the first time? She is so controlling. She is so cold.
I have worked all my life to provide a beautiful home, car, material things, travel, not to mention the basics of food and clothing, while she has been housekeeper, never working a day in her life. Sometimes, I think she wants to belittle me because I have been a success in my career, and to offset her lack of contribution (I do appreciate her household duties), but in comparison without me working as hard and risen to the level I have, we would live under a bridge in cardboard boxes if it were up to her contribution to our expenses.
We have not had sex since our daughter was born. Our daughter is 24. Sometimes, I inadvertently happen to touch her leg in bed, and she not just moves it away, she jerks it away as if annoyed. When we ride in the car for example and she brings up a topic, it is always very negative and a downer.
She never tries to build me up. She wants me to feel like a failure. I really feel it is her way of keeping me down, because I really should be feeling like I have taken great care of my family. But, she always criticizes, and makes me feel like I am never good nough. We do not say "I love you," hug, kiss, or have any affection. If I tried, she would respond with, "What's the matter with you?"
How can I turn this around to the point that at least we are on equal ground? As it stands, she is superior, and I am the moron who messes up all the time. Never good enough.
ANSWER: The “cold” you experience in your relationship is not an afternoon’s freeze – it’s an Ice Age.
You need drastic, long-term, and complicated strategies that will include her cooperation. You can only obtain that kind of service from a marriage counselor or similar kind of professional.
Wizard
February 18, 2008
Question: Hey! Okay, firstly, I'm 17. I've known my girlfriend (who I've been out with twice already, ages 11 and then 14) since I was 4,
and I have been going out with her this time for about a year and a half. We've been good friends for ages, and I really do like her, but I'm in
a bit of a rut. Nothing seems to happen. We hardly ever see each other, and for a year and a half that's pretty bad. We just seem to text and
kiss every now and again at college. We haven't had sex, which is frustrating, but now I'm not even sure if I want to. It somehow doesn't seem
right anymore. It doesn't help that I tend to have a low self esteem, not much confidence, so if she doesn't make the effort, then really,
neither do I. I've found myself telling people that I've had sex with her because we've been together for so long. It seems ridiculous that the
furthest we've gone is a snog! I'm pretty confused, and I think I should really dump her, but I still want to be friends. I don't know, ideas,
Wizard?
ANSWER: You’ve nailed it firmly on the head. Be what you really are, friends, and good ones. You don’t dump a friend. When you
are with her, say, “Let’s continue being good friends because we enjoy each other so much as friends, but let’s not pretend to
be dating, at least, that’s what I have been doing. I want to stop telling people we’re dating and tell everyone what we really are,
good friends.”
You’ve been expecting too much. Expect to be friends, as you have been for so many years, and leave it at that. Friendship is a hugely
valuable thing for you. Keep it and enjoy it.
Do your dating with someone you feel “hot” for, and someone whose friendship you don’t mind losing.
Wizard
February 18, 2008
Question: I am attending the same university with my girlfriend. She promised to be with me on Valentines Day, but she did not pitch up. I
tried to phone her but her cell was off. To add to that, I saw her friends but she was nowhere to be seen. She did not even try letting me know
what was the problem. What should i do?
ANSWER: Withhold judgment until you talk to her. She could have had some kind of emergency – or a romantic interlude. When she shows
up, talk to her. She may be apologetic or completely unaffected. Judge her after all the facts are in.
Wizard
February 13, 2008
Question: I've been dating this girl for about 6 months and she's the classic "agenda girl." Marriage, house, 2 kids by the time
she's 35. I've pulled the reigns back on her and let her know who's boss, but I know she still has those expectations. I am not ready for all
that and not sure if I ever want kids. All this aside, I am not all that attracted to her physically, but I really like spending time with her
and we have a lot of fun. I know she would make an incredible mother AND her parents are loaded, so that would make for a very nice future life
together considering the inheritance. Sometimes I really like her and sometimes I am looking over my shoulder for a girl I'm more attracted to
physically. I feel like I'm kind of a zombie inside - running through the motions because that's what I'm supposed to do: work, get married, have
kids, celebrate holidays and anniversaries, golf, die. I could look for someone perfect the rest of my life - never find her - and be totally
fine. I'm just beginning to feel like . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Her “agenda” is a list of laudable goals. Not every girl can get marriage, house, and two kids by the time she is 35.
Missing from this list are two more essentials, love and husband – the roles you would fill. It “goes without saying” that love
and husband are included with marriage and kids.
You are not right for this woman’s goals. You are too iffy on children, not attracted to her physically, and you think you’re
boss. You are a good companion for her today, but you are not a lover for life.
For you no good reason justifies feeling inside like a zombie. Pursue the next girl that walks by who physically attracts you. She might not
be perfect, but you’ll enjoy every moment looking at her.
Just remember: Every girl loses physical attraction over time (yes, indeedy) and prettier girls will always turn your head when they walk by
(yes, indeedy). After some years in the world of rough and tumble, you might remember this fine lady you dumped fearing the mundane.
BUT! Don’t misunderstand. If you don’t dump her (so she can find the right guy for her – not you), you will always wonder
what it would have been like, and because of that you will always be disappointed. So get it out of your system. Be a single guy and live life in
all its colors and sounds. Soak it up, grow, and learn.
Wizard
February 12, 2008
Question: I have been married for 27 years. We have not had sex for 24 years, and our relationship is cold. I met a slightly younger, very
pretty girl (I am 57, she is 40), and actually I have known her for 23 years. But, we recently reconnected. I really like being around this new
girl, but let it be known that I would never leave my wife, and also, if my relationship with this girl were found out by my colleagues and
family, it would devastate everyone. Still, I want to be with her. She makes me smile, laugh, she builds me up, and yes, there is some sex. I
told her a couple months ago I was in love with her. I am not sure I really am, or just in love with the way she makes me feel. Because of my
marital status, I can only spend maybe 30 minutes with her here and there. This makes her sad and I feel like she is too attached to me. She is
very fragile, so I am scared to send her away, plus I do like her friendship (and more), but it may be too complicated. If I told her I was in
love with her, did . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: . . . I make a mistake? Yes, a big mistake. The new girl adores you enough to want more of you. You misled her saying you love her.
The reality is, as you state in your question, you will never leave your wife and you must keep your relationship with the new girl secret.
This is grossly unfair to the new girl. She makes you smile and laugh. She builds you up and has sex with you. These things satisfy your
selfish need to feel good. What does she get out of this relationship? Thirty minutes here and there. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with
her. Tell her again about your marriage and your commitment to the marriage, colleagues, and family. Admit you made a mistake saying that you
love her. Of course you love what she gives you – you don’t love her.
Don’t find happiness victimizing a younger woman. (Yes, your response is, “She’s not a victim. She likes me a lot and
wants to be with me.” You victimize her by dating her knowing the anguish that will hit her when she realizes her time with you is limited
forever to “30 minutes here and there” because you have other priorities. Yes, she should know better. And yes, she likes being with
you. All that translates into only one thing – she is an easy victim. You know better. Do the right thing.)
If you don’t do the right thing, be ashamed.
Focus on home and family. They need you most and that is where you are most committed.
Wizard
February 11, 2008
Question: I've been going out with a girl for three weeks now. I'm 17, and she is my first girlfriend. I'll fill you in on the basics first.
She is the first girl I've ever gone out with because she left no doubt in my mind that she was interested in me (and I was pretty sure I quite
liked her. I figured that time would tell.) Other girls who may have been interested, I've not considered on account of a low self esteem
“of course she doesn't like me” sort of thing. I lost my virginity to this girl at a party a few weeks back though. That's when we
started going out.
Now onto the more complicated stuff. She has had a string of boyfriends who were all one sort of bastard or another. Her previous one, she
told me while she was drunk (one week ago), practically raped her. And when I tried to talk to her about it in the morning, she said “it's
all right now, I don't want to talk about it, I've got you” or words to that effect. He has been emailing me, lying to me, and trying to
break us up for as long as we've been going out, in vengeance for her having (finally) left him. But her self esteem is as low as is possible for
self esteem to actually be. He told her she was only good for sex, and used and abused her. Her friends have told me that by going out with her,
I am helping her massively, and her self esteem has improved, though she still has occasional nightmares (please do not suggest a psychiatrist
– she would never go see one).
However, I'm not physically attracted to her, despite her intelligence, etc., and my friends tell me I could do better, and I'm inclined to
agree. This is on account of her telling me that another girl, who I've had a small crush on for a while, likes me. But one of my
girlfriend’s previous boyfriends abused her, and left her for this girl after two weeks. I don't want to do the same thing – I don't
want to know how that would affect her psychologically. But basically I'm not physically attracted to her that much, and I feel that staying with
her is my moral imperative. I don't even know if I'd want to dump her under normal circumstances. What should I do?
ANSWER: You took on the role of hero as a builder-up of self-esteem. You feel that staying with her is a moral imperative.
The wizard tells you in five different ways that you should stop following your moral, heroic vision with this girl.
ONE: As you said in the beginning, time will tell, and it has. You have learned that you are not attracted to her, in spite of her
intelligence, etc.
TWO: Staying with a girl because of a fear that dumping her will badly affect her psychologically accomplishes one thing only. It imprisons
you. Thinking that way, you are your own jailor. She will continue to use you (even if it was your choice, not hers) as a crutch. She will be
drunk again and allow herself to be abused again, but she will have you.
THREE: The calculus of your relationship is messed up. One plus one equals two. Your relationship is one plus one equals zero.
FOUR: Your feeling of moral imperative is well-intended, but you cannot fight windmills and win. Don’t be a Don Quixote.
FIVE: Dating is for romance and fun. You will not find romance and fun in this relationship.
Wizard
February 6, 2008
Question: I was in Iraq and my girlfriend continued to hang around with her ex. He came over one night and they got naked and she admitted
it and said she stopped him because she thought of me. It has caused lots of mistrust because she just got off the phone with me an hour earlier.
Makes me wonder if there were other nights. What to do?
ANSWER: Inevitably your girlfriend will be enticed and tempted, especially by an ex who perceives her loneliness and knows about your
absence.
She stopped him because she thought of you. That, at least, tells you she had her priorities straight at the last moment. The fact that she
told you about it suggests that it did not happen on other nights.
Tell her you are thankful that she thought of you and ask her to think of you at the first moment someone like the ex tries to get it on
with her, so she doesn’t do the wrong thing.
You can’t control events. You must hope, and request of her, that she thinks about you first, at the beginning of the temptation and
not afterward, until your return.
Wizard
February 4, 2008
Question: Hey Wizard, I’ve been seeing this girl for the past three months and, well, to be really honest with you, I only slept with
her once at the beginning, and since then we've been trying to get to know each other. The problem is she has big money, family, house, attitude
and anger management problems. I've tried to treat her like a princess helping her in every possible way to make her feel special and happy. She
only calls to complain and yell . . . . When I go to her house we only watch movies (That is very boring). I feel like I no longer have any
tricks up my sleeves to make this chick happy. I like her a lot, a lot . . . but the attraction is slowly fading away. I no longer feel the same
way for her and I don’t think she does either . . . but we are kind of use to each other. I really don’t know what to do because I
want to talk to her and let her know how I feel, that I like her a lot, and tried to treat her like a princess! But, because of her complaints
all the time, it gets kind of annoying. Anyway, please help me, Wizard. Thanks.
ANSWER: She was an attraction that lifted you up like a helium balloon and, well, the happy helium wore out and you swooped down to reality.
Many relationships start like that and reality returns soon enough. Be thankful you didn’t cause a pregnancy. Give her a goodbye kiss and
find a new sweetheart. And next time, be more careful.
Wizard
February 3, 2008
Question: I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. This is the first relationship I've ever had. Throughout our time together we
have always had stupid little fights. They were never even a big deal and we always got over it easily and moved on with no problems at all. But
recently, the fights have been getting much worse. It seems it's all we ever really do anymore.
Also, another problem we have is that she doesn't like my family at all which always makes me nervous to have her around them. I don't see
why she dislikes them. They have never done anything wrong to her or been rude. In fact, they have all been ridiculously nice to her. Yet she
seems to think otherwise, saying things like "your sister gave me a dirty look" or "why is your family trying to keep you away
from me", both of which are total ********. Also, whenever I defend them for something that they did wrong (which they really didn't, but
she thinks so) she gets all mad and says I should agree with her if I really love her.
As a person she really is funny, imaginative, attractive (she's the most beautiful thing in the world to me, yet she doesn't believe me at
all and thinks that she is hideous), fun to be around, and exciting. I really love her, but I just don't know what to do. I've been trying my
hardest to make things better, but I don't think anything will work. I've thought a lot about dumping her, but that would crush her, and I just
can't do that to her. I hope that you can give me suggestions on what I can do to improve things, or if I should dump her. I just don't know.
Thank you for taking your time and concern in answering my question.
ANSWER: Your girlfriend’s reaction to your family and her jealousy of them (perceiving that they take you away from her), and your
girlfriend’s readiness to disagree with your appreciation of her beauty, reveal an insecurity in her that is troubling to you, but nothing
that an improving romance can’t cure.
Unfortunately, you may not have an improving romance if the arguments continue to increase in number and intensity.
Focus on the cause of the arguments. If the cause is her insecurity, give her more time with your family and with you. Remain supportive and
loving. Tender care should improve your relationship and dissolve her insecurity. If the cause is something else, determine whether you have the
ability and the energy to solve it. If you cannot solve the arguments, you will not likely remove her insecurity, and your romance will enter a
tailspin.
Wizard
February 2, 2008
Question: hi, i am no longer attracted to my girlfriend and i wish to dump her. how should i do it, and when do i do it? it will be hard to
get over it, so how do i get over it?
ANSWER: Remember some basic assumptions. She knows, even if she forgets or won’t admit it, that all dating relationships end, unless
you are getting married. She knows you are not getting married. She knows most people only marry once or twice in a lifetime. So, clearly, it is
not a strange or bizarre event when you dump her, and shouldn’t be a surprise. She might be disappointed, and you might encounter some
trouble getting over it, but it is a common and routine event. Logically and statistically, a dump is a likely event.
When do you dump? Do it now. If you delay, you tend to mislead her into thinking you are still interested in dating her. If you are dating
her for her good company, her good conversation, or just her looks, you are not dating her – you are socially engaging with her, that is
all. Dating is a couple’s romantic search for a magical match that causes sparks to fly to and circle in (and sometimes fall from) the
stratosphere, with ecstatic highs and depressive lows that no one can endure without the cozy confidence in the relationship that only lovers
understand. If a couple is not in love, the highs and lows will destroy the relationship. If you are no longer attracted to her, don’t let
her think you are still in search of that magical match. Dump her now.
How do you do it? Express yourself with care and respect for her. Even if you despise her, tell her that you are no longer romantically
interested without disparaging remarks. Tell her, for instance, that she was fun, that she is attractive, or that she was worth the time and the
effort. Find something you liked about her and express it. Do not tell her the things about her you didn’t like – it isn’t
worth it because it will only hurt her. Any guy so nasty and small in brain to want to hurt his soon-to-be-dumped girl should be stripped of all
rights to date. We don’t have dating police, so hopefully the girl can see the nasty side of the guy soon enough to avoid him
altogether.
How do you get over it? Find another date is the best way. If you can’t, then enjoy the many other aspects of life that don’t
change when you dump your date. When you feel like you miss her, think of the reasons why you were no longer attracted to her. Though you avoid
telling her your reasons (if they are bad qualities about her) at the time of the dump, you are wise to remember those reasons. They will come in
handy to dispel your emotional worry or loss. You can forget them, however, when you find a new romance.
Wizard
January 25, 2008
Question: Thanks mate. I memorized that last paragraph in the response you sent to my query ("I wouldn't hit it with someone
else's...") and she took it VERY well. No tears! Sobbing, yes, but zero full-on crying. You really do provide a valuable service to those of
us who are too chicken **** (or inexperienced) to do it w/o help. Cheers to you and this site.
ANSWER: Cheers to you for following good advice and patting the Old Wizard on the back!
Wizard
January 22, 2008
Question: So I've been seeing this girl for 9 months now and it's just not there for me anymore. She's a sweet, funny, caring person, and I
actually enjoy her company, and give a rat’s ass about her feelings. The problem is that she's put on about 35lbs since we've met (not
pregnancy related). She's 5'1" and when we started she was 125lbs. Do you get where I'm going with this? I wouldn't hit it with someone
else's. You get my point. She's noticed the aforementioned "I wouldn't hit it" statement, too, because in the beginning we used to go
at like rabbits, now I find myself avoiding her and even faking illness so as not to be put in the situation of having to sleep with her. We
haven't done it since New Year’s Eve and it was awful. No amount of eyes-closed-lights-off-pretend-it's- Sandra-Bullock was going to help
that situation. Again, she's got a knockout personality (and she's friggin loaded $$), but I'm not attracted to her anymore, and sex is a very
important part of any relationship that I enter into. How do I dump this chick without hurting her? I mean, I can't just be all, "ya got
fat, deal with it, I'm not attracted to you anymore." Or . . . Do I try to get her to dump me? Short of cheating or punching her dog, can I
get this to happen?
ANSWER: You want to end the relationship and that is all. The reason you do not want to date her (or have sex with her) is of no matter. It
might matter to you, but keep it to yourself. It makes for good story telling among your mates, but it is morally wrong and destructive to tell
your date the bad news about why you feel the way you do.
You must not criticize your date when you dump her. Nothing positive can come from it. It will hurt her feelings. If you truly care about
her feelings, you will avoid discussing her weight when you dump her.
Equally destructive, and usually impractical, is the effort to get her to dump you. No, you don’t punch her dog, regardless of how
many laughs you might get from your mates, and you don’t cheat (just for the sake of getting dumped), and you don’t do anything
clever to end the relationship.
You dump her in the same manner you would dump any girl after nine months. You cannot avoid causing her to feel hurt, but you can attempt to
minimize the pain and give her confidence and re-assurance. Tell her in person using direct, clear, unmistakable language. Tell her how great her
personality is, and how great a woman she was for you when you dated her, but you are ready now to go a new direction. Tell her you will always
regard her with respect and admire her, but that you have determined you are no longer romantically interested. Avoid any criticisms. Even if she
wants you to tell her why, avoid it. Your words will repeat in her mind over and over for a long time, no matter how hard she might try to stop
hearing them. Don’t put them there.
She is no less a person. She deserves your best effort to give her respect and admiration. Your tools are a calm, friendly voice; polite
speech; eye-to-eye contact; and a sincere, gracious manner.
Wizard
January 22, 2008
Question: Well I’m in a pickle. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 6 months. It’s my first relationship
really. She doesn’t seem to trust me and she told me that. I don’t trust her totally, to be honest. But she tells me she loves me and
I love her. She calls me immature although she’s only 17 and I’m 20. She calls me names all the time like gayboy and poofy. She said
she does it because I annoy her. I’m the type of guy that likes to cuddle in and watch a movie and kiss n’ stuff. But she
doesn’t really like doing that or so she says. We used to have sex quite a lot although its decreased a wee bit, but it’s still
there. She’s always moaning at me about something and always threatens to get a new man. So I told her to go get a new man then and we
might as well c | 
